The overriding result of war is mass destruction and loss of life. No matter who’s fighting or who is defending. Divorcing an abusive partner is tantamount to war. You don’t put yourself there, he does. That’s his game – if-I-can’t-have-you-and-have-things-my-way-I’ll-destroy-you-and-everything – mentality. But you find yourself having to fight to defend yourself, stay alive even and in so doing you can so very easily but unknowingly cause harm to yourself. You get so distracted by ‘the battle’ that you forget to take care of the fundamentals of rebuilding your life. You get so busy writing statements, filling in forms, attending court sessions, trying to find answers to legal questions (because you cannot afford solicitor bills) on the internet, that you forget to make that all-important new business phone call, or to write the next chapter of the booklet you’re doing for a client so now it will be next month before you can invoice them for it. Your earnings are nowhere near what they should be because your time is spent elsewhere. You go to bed at night exhausted but with little to show for it and you wonder – am I doing the right thing? Is there any way I can limit myself to how much I fight so that I don’t allow it to take up so much time? Or is now the right time for me to fight with everything I have – fight for my life almost – hoping and praying that when the battle is over I can apply myself to rebuilding my life then and do it more quickly and easily because it’s peace-time?

If I’d chosen the war, I could end it anytime I liked. But I did not. It has been thrust upon me by him. I feel I have no choice but to fight because he is hurling missile after missile in my direction – and some of them are aimed directly at the bits of my life I have rebuilt and if I do not deflect them or destroy them before they hit, they will destroy me – again! Then there is him. How much should I try and destroy him? Because if I do that he wont be able to fight me anymore. I have ammunition, plenty of it, which until now I was happy to sit on and keep for posterity but now I wonder if I should use it(?). My therapist says I am still being “too helpful” (not specifically about my ex-husband but in life in general) and when he said it, it really resonated, like a tiny Buddhist temple bell – tingggggggggggggggggggg……..But I am a peacemaker, a people-pleaser. That’s my natural instinct. Having to change that and adapt a warrior stance is hard for me but that’s what I am being ‘asked’ to do. That’s what this requires – and so, I’ll do it.

It has been 14 months since I left my abusive marriage.

I received a letter on Thursday (ironically, there was a postal strike and I receive a letter!!!!) from Lloyds Bank telling me I owe them £115,000 and they want me to pay up now or they will take action. Just like that!

Fact is, when I was in my abusive relationship, my abusive husband cajoled me into going into business with him and then proceeded to take control of everything, I signed a personal guarantee for a bank overdraft, which at the time was £35,000. Since I left my husband he has been hell bent on destroying everything and leaving me with a huge bill and it would appear that he is succeeding.

I have spent the past year recovering from the abuse, re-building the rubble my life had become and healing the emotional wounds. I have done well. I have, however, throughout that time, been expecting something like this. The bombshell. I have been worried when it was going to hit – and now it has and my solicitor can do little to help me – except charge me the earth to tell me something like “well, you could try X but I am not sure how successful you will be”, which, to be honest, is probably something I can work out for myself.

So, there are two things going on with me. Firstly, I dare not tell anyone (other than you amazing people) because the two people I have told have reacted in such a way as to make it worse for me. It goes something like this: me – “I got a letter from the bank saying I owe them £115,000.” Them – “Jeeeeeeesus!! That is a fuck of a lot of money!!! How the hell are you going to pay that!? You are gonna be spending the rest of your life paying that back!!!!”.

I don’t need to hear that right now. It’s like I could imagine it would be if I’d stepped on a landmine and had my legs blown off but couldn’t quite see and was confused cause I could still feel them and the medic goes “OH Jeeeeesus Christ!!! OH MY GOD!!!!” and I think to myself – this is bad, this is really bad when actually what I want someone to tell me right now is that it will be okay, that everything will be okay, that I will sort it somehow and that it is only money – a lot of money – but only money and all stuff like that. So, I haven’t told anyone so as not to inadvertantly stimulate them into projecting their own fears about money and my unfortunate situation on to me. I’d rather not hear it right now.

The second thing is that it is very clear to me the choices I have right now. On the one hand is the black hole of despair, depression, self-pity and victimhood. On the other is the brilliant white stairway out of hell into a new life of abundance and success made all the more sweet by my sheer determination to make good this shitty, hellish situation, to become one of those ‘Triumph-over-adversity’ success stories. That is the path I am choosing and believe me, it is a difficult one to follow. Much more difficult than curling up into the foetal position, sticking my thumb in my mouth and wallowing in misery for next ten years! Every minute is an effort to keep myself up, keep my energy up, keep my self-esteem high but I have to do it. The other option is equal to death and that really would be the ultimate victory for him. He wants me to die, except that he is too much of a wimp to kill me but to hear that I have killed myself because I could not cope anymore or manifested some fatal illness – oh yeah, he’d love that. My best revenge is to get out of this – alive and in better shape than when I went into it and that is just what I am going to do. I know not how, but that is just detail. What really counts is that I will.

There is a third thing, and it’s this: I realised today, as I was walking my dog and had an ‘epiphany’ moment that this is as bad as it is going to get. It cannot get any worse. He cannot do anymore to me than this. This is it! And that, actually, makes me feel a whole lot better because instead of worry about when that bombshell is going to hit – I can now get on with rebuilding after the hit in the safe knowledge that there are no-more bombshells to come – or if there are they are tiny in comparison.

Stay with me. There is brightness on the horizon. I am going to turn this story around!

I haven’t blogged here for a while. Been going through another phase in my healing, I guess. Job to know really as everything is sooooo up in the air and chaotic right now. It’s hard to make any sense of any of it. I know I shouldn’t but I do keep asking myself those questions: why me? what have I done to deserve this? Is this my punishment for another life? Is it because I am gullible and stupid? and that question of all questions – why is everyone else’s life so cushy and they seem to have it so together whilst I can’t seem to even work out the basics and end up getting abused?

I’m also trying to fix it all. I keep going over and over what has happened and what is happening now and trying to come up with a solution but I can’t because there isn’t one. I know I have to just leave it to run its course but I’m scared of missing something, of looking back in another twelve months and thinking oh I wish I had done so and so then.

The facts are: we had our first divorce hearing on Monday and things didn’t go his way so he’s turned really nasty. His business is being wound up and the Official Receiver wants to investigate everything. They cannot find him as he’s gone into hiding and wont co-operate so they have come after me – yet another of his messes I am left to clean up. He is being made personally bankrupt so a couple of the creditors are coming after me for their money (I signed personal guarantees a couple of years ago whilst my husband made all sorts of threats if I didn’t). They don’t give a stuff about our personal circumstances they just want their money. I could end up £65,000 in debt. I already owe £20,000, which is money I have had to borrow to pay my solicitor’s bills – to get this far with no solution in sight! Meanwhile, all this hanging over me, I have him being his usual mean, destructive, vindictive self. All I want to do is get away from him but it seems now I am just as close as I was twelve months ago. Twelve months! I thought I would be rid of him and have my life back by now. Seems like I will never get it back. It will take another six months at least to sort out the official receiver thing, who knows how long the divorce will now be as he seems adamant that he will not agree on anything and not sign anything. Who also knows what will happen with these loans? Anyone know how to get out of a personal guarantee? I know signing a contract under duress makes the contract unenforceable but how can I prove that?

To top it all, I don’t seem to be meeting anyone new either. I so want something light-hearted in my life, a nice little dalliance with someone fun. Nothing heavy, just some – lightness in this dim, dark, chaos. I do not have delusions of grandeur but I do feel, with all the suffering, like I am serving an apprenticeship to be the next Jesus!

I’ve had a bad week. I fell off the wagon in terms of drinking, comfort-eating and not exercising – but that came after the ‘bad-ness’ started (it was my reaction to it) and (yeah, I know!) made me feel worse, and thus, added to the bad. My ex (as ever) is leading me (and everyone else) a merry dance, making promises which I know he has no intention of keeping but we have to go along with it because that’s what the court will want to see – that we have given him the benefit of the doubt (apparently, that’s what my solicitor tells me). He’s been turning up at her office, harassing the reception staff, demanding to see her and sending her disparaging and untrue emails about me, saying things like: “…….TW will not have told you this but she has issues and it was these issues of hers that she denies having that caused all the problems in our marriage. I am saddened the marriage has ended but I have come to terms with the fact that (as the District Judge said when I attended court on the 1st) I must accept it now………..” NO SHIT SHERLOCK! So, because the District Judge says it’s over, it’s over, but when I said it’s over – well – that doesn’t count!

I, for my part, have been doing so well: adhering to the court schedule, doing my bit, being dignified, getting on with my life now and moving on, not reacting to his ‘crazy-making’ and basically getting over it – except this week. It just got to me. He promised me that if I left him he’d pursue me the rest of my life and he’d make sure there was no money left – and guess what? That is exactly where we are now. He has come good on his promises and it just seems so unfair to me that he should be ‘getting away with it’. I am having to get into debt to pay the solicitors bills because the way it works in this country is that you cannot just get divorced you have to have a final judgement order and to do that you have to either co-operate with each other or go the legal route. He (you can imagine) is not co-operating, neither does he have legal counsel which makes it even harder. By the time we get to the final hearing it will have cost me the best part of £20,000, which I am having to borrow because my savings ran out after £5,000. Also, there will be no financial settlement. He’s made sure of that as he is about to be made bankrupt. The thing is, if I don’t pay the legal bills, I could be vulnerable to him making a claim off me: I’m working, he’s not. I have money, he doesn’t! It’s so unfair. Oh, I know, that’s me keeping myself stuck in my victim mode – yeah! I get it okay! But sometimes it is hard to keep it going – especially when faced with such an enemy.

But you know what the worst of it is? Let me tell you, it’s not the money. It’s this: coming to the realisation that the past five years of my life – five years of hellish imprisonment – have been for nothing! That’s a real bitch of a realisation I am struggling to come to terms with right now. I did think, a year ago when I left my abusive husband, that one day I would make some sense of it and perhaps write a book about it specifically to help others in my situation. I started. I collected up all my material: journal entries, blog entries, diaries, over 350 abusive emails from him (and my replies – not to all but to a dozen or so none of which was abusive) and I wrote a chronology that charts how it all started (the abuse), how it escalated, how I felt about it, how others responded, how I escaped and so on. I even began to write sections but although it was cathartic it really wasn’t delivering what I wanted it to. It’s like it failed to talk to or make sense to anyone but me. It was like it was my bitch that no-one else would find interesting. I even sent an outline to a publishing agent and they wrote back and said they weren’t interested. But I kept on, writing and writing. See, that’s what I do – I’m a writer. Some people do Judo or Yoga or play sports, I write. That’s my therapy. But I was trying to make it mean something – the past five years of my life I mean – and in order to do that it would have to be something that others would want to read and that they would benefit from and I’m not there yet. What’s more, loads of people have told me not to write it because they are afraid he will sue me. Well, I know about libel (I’ve studied media law as part of my job) so I know enough to write a factual piece that cannot be disputed but still their negativity has done enough to put me off and now I am down and despondent because the whole thing, the whole five years, all that material is meaningless. It means nothing. It amounts to nothing.

Victim, victim, victim – yeah, yeah, yeah! I know. But this is my blog. This is where I vent. I’m just having a bad week, that’s all.

Here’s another one – it’s the comment about sandwich fillings that cracks me up:

Why are you hell bent on destroying our marriage?  Why? I am focusing on doing it better and being better and you are thinking of the next bad episode.  Why? You are a moody, bad tempered, brooding, ill mannered person and yet I am still offering you my love and support.  Every time I have spoken to you today, you have ben ill tempered and moody.  I was scared to come home at lunchtime because I could feel the tension on the phone but I came anyway and guess what – you got moody with me, despite my consideration in buying different sandwich fillings. Now, about my driving.  I have asked, pleaded and begged you over the last two years to stop talking about it but you cannot because you are hell bent on causing argument and destruction.  STOP talking about it, STOP confronting me about it and STOP telling me how to park.  I DON’T NEED IT. Thanks for ruining things again. I will celebrate my birthday on my own – I don’t want that ruining too. Can I just explain at this point that the man had a conviction for drink driving, two convictions for dangerous driving and numerous penalties on his licence. I hated getting the car with him but he insisted on driving everywhere. I used to close my eyes and pray!!

I am going through the emails I kept which my husband sent me, daily, during our brief but traumatic marriage. There is one day in particular 21st July 2007 in which I received thirty two emails in one afternoon, all hateful, bitter and vitriolic. Don’t ask me why I am doing it, it just feels like the right time and I need to cleanse myself of the pain and attachment. It’s working, some of them (which at the time caused me the most heartache) have actually made me chuckle. Here’s one:

I noticed this morning that I don’t have a supply of clean work shirts in the wardrobe.

No change there, then.

Thanks, wife.

I’ve noticed something about myself and that is that I tend to come from scarcity when it comes to things of value such as money and love. I tend to ‘make do’ with whatever is available because I think that is all there is. I manifest this at work too. I take on too much all at once, volunteer for things that I really do not have time for and then allow other people’s priorities to overtake my own and make them more important than mine. I get ‘talked into’ things easily and say that I will do something even if I have never done it before and I know it will be difficult. I understand from what I have read that this is a typical characteristic of someone prone to being abused.

Take my business, for example, I have a set of terms and conditions which I give out to new clients most of whom don’t even bother to read them – let alone sign them! I don’t make a fuss, fearing that if I did perhaps they will take their business elsewhere and I will never get another client in my life and I will lose my house and…………………………….down I go on that ‘thought spiral’. 

The result of this is that many people in my life treat me badly. Because they are basically rude, selfish and ignorant and I don’t ‘check’ them for being so. I have always allowed them to get away with it. My clients, for example, never thank me for what I do for them – which often goes way beyond what I am being paid for. I always go the extra mile and I guess you could say that they do reward me by paying my bills and keeping on giving me business. But, you know, sometimes that’s just not enough. Sometimes, just sometimes, a kind word would mean so much. If I make a mistake or do something wrong you can bet your life they are extremely vocal but do something good, exceed their expectations and………….silence! 

I know I shouldn’t be complaining – that I should be feeling very lucky to have business in this ‘downturn’. I hardly ever complain to friends and acquaintances but when I do often the reaction typically is to shut up moaning, be thankful and enjoy spending the money!! But just recently I have begun to see that that is just one way to look at it. There are other ways. For example, would those people think it sensible to fill my life, and business hours, working for customers who are basically costing me money by keeping me busy doing work that is less profitable when I could be looking for work that is much more profitable? I believe there are customers out there who would respect my terms and conditions and indeed would see me as more professional for having them, be agreeable to adhering to them and thus making for a much smoothing ride towards a productive professional relationship whereby they get exactly what they want in the shortest time possible and as cost-effectively as possible and I get a proper, detailed and specific briefing to work to so that I don’t have to keep re-drafting everything because they cannot make up their minds what they want!! I think that is a sensible option – don’t you! 

It’s all about respect, being assertive and changing my responses to events from the past. That’s what one friend (one of the more supportive ones) said to me. She suggested I do an ‘assertiveness’ training course – but one that is business focussed (rather than personal development-led). She said this might help me to not be scared to assert my rights as a supplier and have my terms and conditions adhered to. She said that it would probably take a bit of getting used to for the clients I have so far, who have got used to the casual, ad-hoc way of working that I have allowed but that I must not worry if they cannot hack it and decide to go elsewhere because I would, in effect, be making room for more and better clients who would treat me more professionally – and better. 

I see it all the time. I see it in my personal life, how I pick up tiny crumbs of friendship, affection, attention and love because that is all there is and I might not get anymore. Well, there’s a sea-change a-commin! I’ve taken the first step: becoming aware of how much I give up and give in (actually, the first step was leaving my abusive partner!!). Now I am ready to take the next one. I want to manifest great things – great work, respectful and appreciative clients, great relationships, a full social life and………………….so much! Not sure how I will do it, but that doesn’t matter as I have taken the first step.

Check out Sam Vaknin (you can get there via melove54, top of the page – link to YouTube video – or go to YouTube), self-proclaimed narcissist. Jees! That’s my husband! Well, not literally – I was not married to Sam Vaknin but the characteristics of him and my abusive ex are identical: the portrayal of grandiosity beyond reality, need to come across as perfect, constant tetchiness about the immediate environment, focus on self – yikes! Painful to watch. Then we get to see his poor wife! OMG! That’s me! Having to always look up to him, make him the focus, do his deeds, pretend like you have a say in the matter when the reality is you don’t!

It got me thinking about my relationship and how difficult it was for me, when I began to realise I was trapped in an abusive relationship, to garner support from anyone within our circle of friends, acquaintances and family. The problem was, because he was so accomplished at putting on this play, this facade, creating a great self-image, no-one saw or experienced him as I did. What they saw was what he wanted them to see: this brave, courageous and charming persona – so when I started to complain, the response I got was less than supportive. Most of them tried to make out that there was something wrong with me – there must be; that I was complaining about this ‘great’ man whom I was “lucky” to be with (yes, believe me, some people even said that to me!!). I understand now that there is a vast difference between narcissism and self-confidence. Here’s my take on it: 

• Narcissism is all about self. Self-confidence is inclusive. 
• Narcissism is about being better than………..Self-confidence is about being as good as you can possibly be and/or as good as everyone else.
• Narcissists want recognition and attention. Self-confident people want to do what they love and do it well.
• Narcissism is about entitlement. Self-confidence is about celebrating achievement.
• Narcissism is about projecting a false image. Self-confidence is about taking pride in what I know, what I have learned/studied and what I know I am good at.
• Narcissists lie. Self-confident people are goal-oriented and want to win but make no false promises. 
• Narcissists repress their emotions/feelings. Self-confident people possess freedom of expression.
• Narcissists are manipulative. Self-confident people are persuasive.
• Narcissists are motivated by power and control. Self-confident people are motivated by achievement.
• Narcissists are obsessed about appearance. Self-confident people care more about their abilities.
• Narcissists care little for human values. Self-confident people value being human.
• Narcissists value material possessions. Self-confident people value experience.
• Narcissists value notoriety. Self-confident people value dignity. 

Until recently (latter part of the 20th century), relationships were about survival and continuing the human race, I believe. My Grandparents got married because she needed a man to bring home the money that they used to buy food and put a roof over their heads and he needed a home-maker who would support him in going out and making the money – and they both needed each other to make babies! It was a perfect partnership. Emotional feelings, for the most part, didn’t figure and it’s been like that through time. Now, however, relationships have become exceedingly difficult because a lot of confusion exists as to their purpose. For most of us in the ‘westernised’ world, survival is pretty much handled now; single, couple, able-bodied, disabled, we can survive – even if not always under our own steam but there are systems and processes in place (pretty much – there are always exceptions of course) for us to get by. Procreating the human race, now, is unnecessary – the world is extensively over-populated. People no longer ‘need’ to have babies. Oh, but what about keeping the family name going? Leaving a legacy in my children? Maintaining the gene-pool continuum? All very valid reasons for procreating but all very selfish too. If we want to conserve the planet, we should stop breeding for a while. Mother Nature, I believe, is trying hard to redress the balance – how many couples do you know of who have had problems conceiving? Mother Nature’s way of suggesting we find other ways to fulfil ourselves but instead we go for IVF! That aside, if relationships are no longer about survival or procreation, what then are they about? 

I think relationships are about love – pure and simple! But what is that? Ah, well now, that is the big question! I think love is about getting back to oneness (‘one-ness’), which means that I can be totally at peace with who I am – and the role relationships play in that (all relationships not just love relationships but family, friends, colleagues – everyone!) is to hold a mirror up to me so that I get to really see who I am. At first it’s uncomfortable, ugly even, but after a while (a lifetime, maybe, of personal development and growth) if I can begin to fall in love with myself then I will – without even trying – be able to fall in love with everyone.

So, my abusive partner was reflecting that side of myself I have been neglecting so far. That side of me that can be manipulated, abused, controlled.  The low self-esteem, the total lack of attitude and assertion. Alongside that, he was also reflecting my steely independence, tenacity and strength that kept me fiercely independent and would not allow anyone to do anything for me and this provided him with something to chip at because it reflected his weakness and emotional neediness. In many ways I was weak: not blowing my own trumpet,  not standing up for what I believe in and not speaking out or asserting myself. But in other ways, I was incredibly strong to the point of (unconsciously) scaring people (most particularly men). For him, I was his mirror reflecting his belief that he would never be acceptable and the only way to get what he wanted, what he felt he was ‘entitled’ to was through a regime of bullying, control and abuse. But does this make abuse right? No! Of course not, but it doesn’t make it wrong either – it just is the way that it is (don’t ask me to explain this right now – I fear it’s more than a blog entry!). To perpetuate the attitude of: horrid abuser, nasty man – poor me, I’m a victim, is to keep things as they are. To change abuse and move beyond it in my relationships (thus ensuring I do not recreate it in the next one) demands that I transcend that attitude somehow. I end the trance (trance-end) by bringing a new awareness to it. For me it is about taking responsibility for bringing it into my life – wait a second! Not condoning it. This is not about blame. This is not the same as what he and his family were trying to do which was for me to believe that the abuse was my fault – not the same! NO! NO! NO! What I am advocating here is that I see that I chose to live this life lesson. I chose him for his mirror, for what he would reflect back at me so that I would get a chance to see it, become aware of it, feel it and then change it by (in my case) saying it’s not okay with me that you treat me that way so I am going – bye! And withdrawing myself from him, and thus, the situation. I see that by blaming him all this time has been keeping me in victim land. One finger pointing at him, and three at me! He has been my gift from God. Not in any wondrous way where I should get down on my knees and worship him. He is a bad man. He has is not an angel/gift. He has not done this consciously oh I will just manifest as a human abuser, which I know will be incredibly painful for me but I will do it for her – not like that. He has been my ‘gift from God’ in the same way that the grain of sand in the Oyster shell causes such permanent irritation, rubbing and rubbing away until – WOW – one day – a pearl appears. But it doesn’t happen with every Oyster (for every 1000 you open, you may only find 1 pearl). Why is that? Same as it is with humans I expect – some get it, some don’t. I know I have got this abuse thing now. It won’t happen again for me but I suspect my abusive partner is still the dud Oyster and will remain so because he hasn’t got it. Let’s hope I am wrong. 

So, relationships, now, are about growth and development – not survival and procreation. That’s how it should be but the conflict and confusion is happening because most people don’t understand this yet. Most people aren’t getting it! We are still trying to do relationships the old way – get married, breed, stay together forever, die and get buried in the family plot! I’m not saying there is anything wrong with that. It is absolutely the way many people would live as long as they are happen, fulfilled and in love. But for those of us who aren’t, we really should be asking ourselves why? And it may be that our development is in another direction.

 

The Kiss

This guy has come back into my life, having been out of it for the duration of my abusive marriage, and I’m not sure what to make of it. I’m into there being meaning to everything at the moment – nothing happens by accident. It’s all meant to be. And so everything has to have a meaning, or some higher purpose. Otherwise, what’s the point? What’s the point to any of this?

On the one hand, his appearance back on the horizon of my life has lifted me. He’s brought me joy this week because he’s been extremely attentive. It has done my self-esteem a lot of good. I’ve received emails almost daily and on the days I haven’t there have been phone calls. I’ve fallen asleep fantasising about how it would be to be together again, to melt into his arms and be held, to reconnect with whatever it is that bonds us. It fills me with love. And that’s a good feeling.

We’ve known each other since 1992 (17 years!) which makes him one of my longest running friendships. Although I hesitate to use the word ‘friendship’ because in many ways we are like acquaintances but in many others our relationship has been deeper and more touching than any I have known. Sometimes it feels like that ‘soulmate’ thing but yet there are aspects to it that get in the way of us being in a relationship together. For one, he’s married. I know I should dump him pronto, put it all down to a slight slip of the halo, one of life’s little mistakes and move on, never once uttering his name or thinking about him ever again. But that would be to deny what is going on, which I may at this stage understand little about but which is much bigger than the both of us and cannot be simply shut away in a box somewhere and put with all the other stuff that gets buried in the life garbage sack. “But what about his poor wife and family!!!?” Well, for one I am not a threat to them. Never have been. I don’t want him to leave her for me. I would rather he left her for him, if that is indeed his journey, at some stage or if their marriage came to a natural end for whatever reason and he feels he wants to move on.

If, at that stage, it’s right for us to be together then – great! If not, fine. So, don’t worry. I’m not a home wrecker and not about to become one. There’s an age difference of fifteen years (he’s older), which has never bothered me but I think it does him. I don’t see a 60-year old when I think of him. I see him and he could be 20 or 100! Some people show their age but to me he doesn’t because the connection between us is not just physical it’s spiritual and that’s ageless.

But the fact that he’s unavailable is interesting, there’s a pattern there for me. I have chosen a lot of men in my life who have been unavailable.

My father was unavailable, emotionally, for much of my childhood, older childhood in particularly. My soon-to-be-ex husband was unavailable that way too. In between times there have been numerous ‘unavailables’ I have gravitated towards. And, by the same token, there have been numerous ‘availables’ I have lost interest in pretty quickly because (I suspect) of the very fact that they are available.

And then there’s M (we’ll call him M, no particular reason, just the first thing that came into my head). When we first met, he was a client. I fell for him immediately. There was a real magnetism, for me at least. He was so much older but I found him so attractive. He seemed the direct opposite of my father; driven, ambitious and strong. He seemed, at the time, quite out of my league, something to aim for. Every time I saw him, my heart would (literally) skip a beat and I’d get all excited and fuzzy-headed and get all school-girl and inept all of a sudden, which wasn’t really like me. I’d catch myself saying stupid things in his company, things I would never say to anyone else, or things I meant to say would come out all wrong when normally I would be quite articulate. It got that it was impossible to concentrate when I was in his company. Not great when he was a client. I knew he was married; occasionally we would have downtime between company meeting and he would talk proudly of his family. I liked that, not that he was married but that he was a loving and doting dad (unlike mine). I didn’t ever think the fact that he was married would be a problem because (don’t forget) he was ‘out of my league’.

We didn’t start having an affair until years later, after I’d left the company. We stayed in touch, I can’t remember how or why but we did. All I can remember is that it was a mutual thing, he wanted to as much as me.

In the intervening years I did once have a dream about us together, making out. It was a proper dream, not an imagined fantasy. From then on, to me at least, he became ‘the man of my dreams’. The dream was very vivid and the reality (as it turned out) was not dissimilar. We didn’t have sex, however, until five years ago around the time of my 40^th birthday. We’d come quite close several times. What we had done, however, had been pretty hot and extremely seductive.

The sex itself wasn’t the passionate, free and spontaneous love-making of my dream but tinged with awkwardness and (I am guessing) regret (although not on my part). We only did it the once but rather than being the start of something I had hoped for it actually seemed to signify the end of our relationship as I’d known it up to then.  He went quiet and didn’t contact me for months. I’d got used to that. M had always been like that; either full on or nothing. I’d got used to getting my hopes up and letting my imagination run wild for a few weeks and then having to wrap all my fantasies back up in tissue again and put them away in the storage box until the next time he was ready. Yes, I know, he was very much in control of when and how much we saw of each other – and there goes another pattern in my life – the controlling male. Except in M’s case, it wasn’t like the same kind of control as my ex-husband. It didn’t make me feel squashed or undermined. If anything, I put it down to him taking charge and I liked that, so I let him.

But just after my 40^th birthday, my self—esteem was at such a low ebb. Dad and I had had a major bust up. He’d been really pissy and awkward that I had not had the sort of celebratory party he’d wanted me to have (a private, quiet, family doo). Instead I had organised a party for 40 close friends in our local village hall. I’d hired a Karaoke and disco and got caterers in. I was short of money, so Dad had offered (weeks before) to pay for something. I’d thanked him kindly and asked if he would pay for the Karaoke, which he agreed but then, the day before I went to collect it and had no money left in the bank, he changed his mind saying he didn’t like Karaoke and wouldn’t pay for it. I said I wish he had told me sooner and he told me that if I couldn’t afford to pay for things I shouldn’t get them! It meant I had to borrow the money from a friend to pay for the karaoke (thank God I have been blessed with great mates!). That, and the fact that there was a woman at the rowing club (of which I was a member) who’d taken a dislike to me and was making my time there miserable and this bloke (from the same place) who was giving me the run around. So, just after my birthday, my self-esteem was too low to deal with the ‘love ‘em and leave ‘em’ attitude of the man of my dreams. He still occupied much of my thoughts but I resigned myself to the fact that our relationship had changed and I probably would not see him again. Then, of course, I met my husband who as we all know was looking for a vulnerable yet strong woman to ‘feed’ his habit – and the rest is history as they say!

During the good times, it hadn’t all been physical with M either – although that was the primary driver (I’ve never reacted like I did with him with any other man in my whole life. He could turn me on just by standing close!). We had good conversation too. That said, in the last seventeen years, we have hardly seen each other, yet every time we do it seems (clichéd as it sounds) like it was only yesterday! There’s no catching up, straight back in there where we left off and even though each of us has been through so much in our lives separate from each other, it seems like he and I are travelling along the same path together as spiritual beings in this human experience.

That brings me nicely to now…….

So, he calls me last week, just for a chat but it soon gets round to flirting. I like it. It makes me feel good. Brings back all the wonderful feelings of the past, our past. And after the call they stay with me and I’m off on this fantasy – again – of me and him together – again. Making love. But it feels different this time. It’s not that it’s not as nice, far from it, or that I want him any less. It’s just that I don’t need him anymore. There’s a very subtle but vast difference between wanting someone’s affection and needing it and I recognised this week that I still feel the same about the guy but I don’t need him anymore. It feels good, healthy. Gives me all the pleasure of being able to fantasise without the emotional neediness.

He wants to meet up but he’s not sure when. I understand, his business is suffering at the moment and life is a constant fire fight for him. I understand that. But he seems to forget that it’s like that for me too, in my situation. I am not so free as I was. I am having to work my ass off to pay £1000/$1600/month solicitors bills just to keep my ex from dragging me down into the shitty place he’s in right now – and I don’t mind paying if it means I keep control of my life and my finances from now on. So far it is working but it demands a lot of commitment and hard work. I also have a dog and I am not willing to just drop everything a leave him on his own in my house for 8-10 hours while I go off and indulge myself in great sex!

But then, what I’ve noticed with M too when he wants to meet up is that there are always a thousand other things he has to do first, people he has to satisfy or comply with before he can possibly, maybe, perhaps have some time for me. I am beginning to feel like I don’t deserve that kind of vagueness in my life anymore. I’m human too. I’m important too – leastways to me and I deserve to be put top of the list by someone just once in a while. M is not in a position to do that. I accept that. But is it okay with me? No. No, not really. Not anymore. But then, I cannot imagine my life without him.

So, then he says Thursday is a good day for us to meet up – but then he remembers his son is going to be around so we decide that is not such a good plan. I have met his son before, many years ago and we could explain it away (as we did then because it was true) that his father and I are work acquaintances and we both happened to be in the same part of the country so we decided to meet up. But his son is now a grown man and M and I have known each other for over 17 years and I don’t think he’d buy it. So, then M says Tuesday is the only other possibility but it looks likely he has a work commitment for dinner so probably not, but maybe. And there’s the vagueness again. There was a time, many years ago, when I would have travelled all the way down to where he was and hang around by myself just in case the possibility happened and then if it didn’t I would have come home disappointed but that is not me anymore. That’s way in the past. So, I say, Okay well never mind. There will be other times and he says well we’ll see.

Tuesday evening he calls me at 8:20pm, apparently his work thing didn’t materialise and he asks if I will get in the car and go down there. It’s only an hour, I’d be there at 9:30pm whereupon he’d have some Thai food waiting for me and …………he would have called earlier but the phone has been going none stop so he didn’t get the chance.

I thought about it. I really did. I was hugely tempted but then it just felt like the same old stuff all over again. The same old crumbs of love and affection I have been feeding off all my life and I have been living the consequences of the subsequent emotional malnourishment ever since. I thought about how fantastic it would be too see him again, to melt into his arms, make love, talk, be with each other, to touch him, hold him……………………………but then what? More of the same vagueness – when will I see you again – dunno, excuses – I’m really busy and then there’s the family, reasons why not – I can’t commit to you, I’ve got this family thing going on. He wanted me, I could tell by his voice, he wanted me so badly and when I said no and suggested that perhaps he try and give me more notice next time so I can prepare myself he goes all cold and “yeah, whatever” on me. I know it was disappointment but he could at least try and understand. Why does it all have to be about him?

After I put the phone down, I was so tempted to jump in the car and just go. But this higher part of me knew it was wrong and that I had actually – disappointing as it might have been for both of us – done the right thing. Stupidly, I expected to hear form him the very next day with a suggestion for a day next week when we can meet up, which gives me plenty of time to ‘prepare’ (that is the other thing men do not understand – we women need to prepare for these things physically. It may seem trivial but it’s important to feel confident and making sure I look my best). But I get nothing but phone, email and text – silence! Having phoned, emailed and texted me – every day for about ten days, now there is nothing.

I think I know what this is about, but I am still not sure. As I have mentioned, I am reading about Radical Forgiveness and I know that this is all part of my journey (his journey too but this is my blog, it’s about me!). It is part of what I need to complete and forgive in order to diffuse the energy of that ‘not deserving love’ thing of mine and  ‘not deserving the best’. But this one is a biggy and (unlike the sheep episode with the dog the other day) it may take some time. Whether M is around for the whole of that process or not, I don’t know. Whether our relationship changes as a result of my going through that process or not, I don’t know. Whether we end up fulfilling our fantasy one last time or even forever, or whether he disappears out of my life completely, I’ve no idea but really none of that matters. What matters is that I am willing to go through this and start accepting that I do deserve love – and lots of it from (in my case) a man and whether that man is M or not, well…………………………………

Some of you reading this may well be talking to yourselves about the one thing I have mentioned little, which is his wife. His poor wife. What about her? Well, indeed, what about her? I hate that I am the sort of person who does this. I hate being an adulterer! It does not make me feel proud or good about myself. The fact that it goes on, with millions of couples all over the planet does not make it any easier to accept either. Has my relationship with her husband hurt her? It would be easy to say – no, not at all because she doesn’t even know about it but I don’t know that for sure and not only that it is out there in the ether and she will be picking up on it somehow. Even if it is not consciously, even if it is just through the irritation in her husband’s voice as he walks through the door this weekend or that he is behaving distantly. It’ll be getting through somehow. And it has been done to me, I know how it feels. None of this makes it right on any level. Except that it gives me another opportunity for forgiveness. This time, forgiving myself.

There are so many things I need to work on radically forgiving. So many people I need to let go of and forgive, radically, including myself. I have much work to do. But I know it will take me to a place where I can then begin to manifest positively the things and conditions in life I really want. That’s why I believe I am not a threat to M’s wife. I don’t want what she has: the solid marriage to a wonderful man, the large house, the active and full social life, the loving family, the success – none of it! And that’s a lie because I do want all of those things. But it’s also a lie too because I really have no idea if she has all that. I am just guessing that she does, it’s my perception that she does but reality might be that she doesn’t or even (ironically) that she does but she doesn’t want it, she wants something else! I think what would be really smart here is to acknowledge that I really (we none of us really) has any clue what’s going on because we make it all up anyway. This whole thing – life – it’s all made up fantasy. Oh yeah, I pretend I know what’s going on and so do lots of other people but the truth is we don’t. And therein lies the miracle! If we don’t have a clue what is going on, then we can make it up anyway we choose. And that’s great because that gives me control over the outcome of every area of my life – in the relationships I have with everything and everyone – people, money, my relationship to the planet – everything!

So, now there is silence. No phone calls, emails, texts – nothing. And I don’t know if that is because he is disappointed, confused or perhaps he just doesn’t really care for me that much but then if that were the case, what have the past 17 years been about? I cannot help thinking though, that if I had jumped in my car, abandoned the dog on Tuesday night and gone down and stayed with him that it would have been the same, that there would have been nothing but silence and regret (on his part).

I could write his story too but I’d be making it up. I think I know his story but I really don’t. All I do know with any certainty is mine. I can only guess at his and what would be the point of that?

The great thing about all this though is how my feelings have changed and moved on into a whole lot healthier place. It used to be that this intense pursuing, leading to a night of passion and then complete silence would throw me into a thought spiral that would ultimately lead to depression (albeit temporary) out of which I would drag myself by becoming resentful and bitter about M pretending to myself well I didn’t like him that much anyway. But I don’t see it that way anymore and I don’t feel that way either. I don’t get depressed when he doesn’t call me. It just is the way that it is. I get on with my life, filling it with good things and people who can give me the feast of love I so want and deserve. Perhaps that’s why I am running out of room in my life for M.

But for M and I, I don’t think it is about being together 24/7. I don’t think it has ever been about that. I watched one of my favourite movies on TV yesterday: The Bridges of Madisson County, in which an Italian housewife, married to a farmer from Ohio becomes romantically linked to a photographer from National Geographic for four summer days. Not only does she discover her passion that has lain dormant for all the years she has devoted herself to her husband and kids but they discover this deep spiritual connection, a certainty about which only ever happens once in a lifetime. There are some great lines in the film and I get totally lost in it. It’s the only film I have ever seen in which Merril Streep and Clint Eastwood disappear for me and become these characters. One of my favourite lines is where Robert Kincaid (Eastwood) says to Frances (Streep): “It feels like everything I’ve ever done in my whole life, every trip I have ever taken has been bringing me here, to you.” But they never do get together beyond those four days. She chooses to honour her commitments to her family because she knows that the guilt she would carry with her if she left them to be with him would destroy every ounce of what they had. She stays with her family and buries all of her memories of those four days in a box in the house along with (at a later date) his things which upon his death he has requested be sent to her. The saddest and yet most joyful part of that film for me is at the end upon her death when she (even though she is Roman Catholic) requests a cremation so that her ashes can be thrown from Rosamund Bridge, the start of it all and the place where his ashes had been scattered some years earlier. She says in a letter to her kids (who are by now adults): “I have given my whole life to you and your father, now I want Robert to have what is left of me.” It’s a beautiful story and chimes so much with M and I’s own. I used to hope (but I am now not so sure) that we are actually meant to ‘be together’ forever more. I don’t think that is what it is about for us. Or maybe it is – I don’t know.

Moreover, we are on this spiritual journey together and that’s as it should be. Where it takes us and what happens to us or what choices we are going to have to face along that journey, I’ve no idea but that doesn’t matter. What matters is how we face each day and what we do with those choices and how that enables each of us to grow closer to God, that’s what really matters.