It’s easier not to leave. I don’t have to go through the hassle and upheaval of moving out; can avoid the greaving that follows the breakdown of a relationship. I can live in the hope that the violence and abuse is in the past and will never happen again, that my husband was just going through a stressful time that made him react ‘out of character’. But what if that’s not true? What if he really is psychotic? What if he goes through another stressful time and loses it again? How far will it have to go before I get my ‘utopia moment’ and realise what I must do? Right now, I have no idea about any of it, no clarity at all. 

The facts are these: I am married to a man who is a pillar of the community, well respected. An inspiration many have said. We are in business together. We live in a house that we cannot afford, that is in his name but which I have a registered interest in (it being our marital home). Neither of our businesses is doing particularly well and we are getting deeper and deeper into the mire financially. He is doing things, business-wise, about which I am not happy and which may not necessarily be illegal but in my view are certainly immoral. All of this has happened since we got married. 

Prior to getting married, I ran my own successful business on my own for ten years. It was my husband’s idea to go into business together. As soon as we did, he took over the finances, since which time it has been impossible for me to accrue any money of my own. We cannot have business meetings, strategy meetings and so forth, because unless I keep quiet and agree with everything he says, he has a tantrum and starts abusing me. We have not had a meaningful company meeting for over a year – if ever! It just isn’t worth it. The result is that we are now running a disjointed business that is failing with no communication between us. None of this was my idea. My husband has systematically bullied me into it. 

Outside of business, I have endured a sustained campaign of control, manipulation, violence and abuse. I have tried to leave three times now. If I try and talk to my husband about it, he doesn’t listen. He is in denial. My friends and family know about him and know what he is like but his friends and family think it is me who is at fault. Because of his standing in the community (and the fact that he immodestly does a fantastic pr job on himself) they refuse to believe what has been going on. He has recently received a Police caution and I suspect that even then he and they think it is an injustice and that I am such a fantastic con artist that I have managed to persuade the Police to arrest and caution him! 

Do you have any idea what it is like to have to call the Police because your husband wont stop beating and abusing you? Believe me, it was and still is a last resort. I guess he knew that, which is why he didn’t stop. Our professional situation means that we are tangled together like an old ball of wool. That is why I am in a permanent state of confusion. I know what my options are but I really have no idea how to start to untangle the ball. All I do know is that he has no intention of untangling it with me. 

One positive in all this is that I have come across some great sources of support out there. I will be adding links to organisations that I have found helpful to this site in due course (in case there is anyone out there reading this who is unfortunate enough to find themselves in a similar situation). I hope I can be of some help to you even if it is just to let you know that you are not alone. 

Hopefully, in the not too distant future, you will be reading here about how I managed to get away and how as a result my life is wonderful. I hope so. But that is the crux; I have to stop hoping and start knowing and I am not quite there yet. I’m working on it though. 

It’s been the weekend. Weekends always used to be when we’d fight hardest and the abuse would be at it’s worst but just lately, they are the best time for our relationship. The last few have been great. We share chores, go out on dates and meet up with friends – just like any normal couple. Just like I imagined married life would be before I got married and how it was just after we got married. 

I so want to be like we were then. I so want to believe him when he says he has changed and that things will be different from now on and that he has crossed that imaginary line between past and present and that he will never go back to how it was – how he was. I so want to believe it. Why? Because I love being married and I want to be married to him; the man he is being right now – this weekend. That’s the man I fell in love with. The man I married.

But I don’t believe him. I can’t. I did the first few times but now I can’t because I don’t because I know that as soon as I let my guard down, let him close, give myself to him, the abuse will start again. And I don’t want that. I can’t live with that. No-one should have to live with that. No-one should have to put up with what I have had to endure. 

It’s not so much the beatings. That hurts but you become numb to it after a while. It’s the emotional stuff. That really scars. It’s not so much the emotional abuse either it’s the futility of life that is most painful. My life means nothing in this relationship. I can’t plan anything. Me and him, we can’t work towards building a relationship, planning our future, get excited about stuff together. We can’t even have a normal social life because our relationship is not about normal. It’s about control – his control over me. That’s what feeds him. At the moment (since the last big episode when the Police got involved), I have taken control. We are not sleeping together (I’m in the spare room) and that’s my decision. So, he’s hungry right now, which is why he is ‘behaving’ himself (not abusing me). He wants me to get to feel safe so that I go back to him and then he can eat and I will be abused – again! 

So, you see why that question is so hard: should I stay or should I go? If I leave, it will get worse. He’ll fight me even harder. If I stay, laying down the ground rules so that he has some hope of my coming back to him, then at least he’s nice to me and I don’t get abused. But what about love? What about life? It’s on hold for now and all I can do is pray for divine intervention. 

Have you ever been in a car accident? You know that moment just before it happens when – just for a fleeting second – you can see it coming. You know you really ought to do something to stop it but you just can’t. It’s like you’re stuck; hands glued to the wheel, paralysis seeping through you. All you can do is sit tight and hope for the best. 

My life is a bit like that. I know I should leave – just pack a case and walk away! But I can’t. I’m stuck, paralysed, not in control. 

I have tried several times but it’s not that easy. I know, I am almost recoiling at the cries of “What! You stupid woman!” Believe me, before I was in this position, I’d have said the same. But like being a passenger in that car, being in an abusive relationship is tantamount to being in prison. You can’t escape, no matter how hard you try. 

I will one day. Of course, I know that but just right now I have no idea how or when. And that’s really not like me. I’m usually very clear about everything. But not this. 

How did I end up here? I ask myself that question everyday. Still don’t have an answer. 

Have you read that fantastic book The Horse Whisperer? I got got by the horse whisperer, well in my case he was a human whisperer. He made me feel understood. Made it okay to hang around him. Made me feel safe. Got my trust and………………………the harness was on and I was caught. That’s why I can’t escape right now. My human whisperer set it up that way. 

Apparently, I am now a victim (again!) and he’s a perpetrator. He being my husband. I say again because I have been a ‘victim’ before. That time it was workplace bullying but I am beginning to wonder if there really is something wrong with me that I keep finding myself in these similar situations. I’m not saying it’s my fault but obviously there is some flaw somewhere – perhaps in my ability to judge character – or perhaps I am just unlucky. Whatever it is, I don’t want to be a ‘victim’ anymore.

I don’t feel like a victim but that’s what it says on the Police report (yes, it got that bad!). That is the label I now have. He has a Police caution, which will be with him for life, apparently, whereas I just have the label ‘victim’. Will that be with me for life I wonder?

If you saw me in the street I don’t suppose you’d look at me and see a victim. I’m normal (whatever that is). I don’t necessarily stand out in any way. You wouldn’t see me as a pathetic, cripplingly-shy whimp who cries at even the slightest sudden movement of another human being’s limb. I’m not your classic ‘oh-poor-me/feel-sorry-for-me’ type of woman. I’m actually quite strong and independent and I wonder if it is this that gets me into trouble. I don’t conform, you see. I don’t follow convention. I don’t live behind a falsified facade of showy materialism. I don’t need possessions to define who I am. I am happy in my own skin and I wonder if that is what makes other people firstly attracted to me but then fearful, so fearful that they have to try and destroy my spirit.

So, what’s the difference between someone like me who’s bright, intelligent, independent and yet attracts destructive people and someone who is all of those things and yet manages to get themselves hailed as a leader, role-model, luminary? I wonder how I can go from being victim to hero? What do I need to do? What do I need to change about myself and how? Is anyone else out there in the same place I wonder?