Well, it is done! I have secured a new home for myself. I am leaving. The lease will start on Friday but I wont be moving in then. There are still a few things I need to complete here before I can go. 

Ordinarily, I would be getting exciting now about my new home, dreaming about what bits of furniture I might buy at some point and imagining where I will put all my nick knacks and personal things. But I am not. I can’t get excited about it yet and I think it is because I still have another major hurdle to get over. I actually have to physically leave and take all my stuff with me. Not only are there practical issues like I need boxes to pack it all in but the main issue is him, how he will react and what he will do. I suspect he will not surrender to it and wish me luck. I suspect he will be difficult and awkward. I am not unduly worried but it is stopping me from getting excited about moving. It has been such a journey, which is almost at an end or at least entering a new phase in which I am in control and in a much stronger position, from where, I guess, I will gaze out from a different perspective. 

Already, with what little distance I have managed to carve between us, I can see our relationship for what it really was and it beggars belief what I have put up with, which I could not see quite so clearly until now. 

I will feel excited; once me, the dog and my stuff are all out of here and ensconced in my new abode, then I will be so exciting I will lie in my new bath, in my new bathroom – MY bathroom – in my house, surrounded by bubbles and crack open a bottle of bubbles and celebrate.

They are changing the law over here so that if a victim of long-term domestic abuse kills their abuser, either in self-defence or through extreme provocation, s/he may have their charge reduced from murder to man-slaughter.  

I’m in two minds about this. In the past when my own abusive situation has been at its worst I have felt like killing my husband just to make it stop but it was the fact that I would have to spend the rest of my life in prison that stopped me from doing it. Why would I want to go from one unbearable institution into another? If I could have ‘got away with it’ would I? I’d like to think that no matter how bad it got I would always be able to maintain just enough dignity and control to keep myself together. I tell you though, there have been times when it has been extremely difficult. Prior to this I would never have believed it was possible to have those thoughts, that was something that happened to other people – not me. There have also been numerous times when I have contemplated taking my own life for the same reasons and oddly enough stopped myself from doing so for the same reasons. 

No matter how much provocation or abuse I have been subjected to, I feel better about myself knowing that I have not killed anyone – whether murder or man-slaughter – and that I am taking control of ending that abuse in other, more positive ways. That said, I would find it difficult to judge anyone, if they had been subjected to the same, for doing what they have to do to make it stop.

God, I can’t wait to get out of this limbo! It’s driving me nuts! I can’t seem to make up my mind about anything – particularly when to leave or which house to rent. I’ve been to see a few; all of which have been suitable but not perfect and I have rejected them. I then went back to one and made the decision to go for it but had doubts. I then made up my mind and seemed quite happy with my decision but then they started doubting my ability to pay the rent and asking for guarantors or money up front and so forth and I decided I didn’t want my decision as to where I live next after leaving this abusive relationship to be made or influenced by some referencing agency in some god-awful city somewhere who has never met me and doesn’t know me from Adam! So, whilst they make up their minds I went off looking at other properties. I found another one that ticks all of the boxes and even comes with furniture, which I wasn’t expecting (but works out great because I have nothing) and a great view! Couldn’t be better! Why, then, am I not more excited about it? I have made an application for it and must now wait, again, for references to be made. It’s all to do with the credit crunch apparently. Everyone is nervous that no-one will be in a position to pay their bills, including rent, in six months time. Funny thing is, once I am out of this stinking relationship I will be in a much better position. I consistently bring more money into the business than he does and all my clients will be coming into my new life with me as they were before I met and married my hubby. Once I have full control of the money again I will be far better off and able to pay bills and rent. 

Meanwhile, we are still in the same house and he keeps telling me how much he likes being nice to me like it is going to persuade me to stay. He does, however, keep reminding me how needy, incompetent and selfish he is, which is good because then I don’t have to feel guilty about not being persuaded. 

I just hope I am doing the right thing. Not leaving him, I know that is right but choosing the right place to live for me. One that affords me everything I need to get my life back on track. At the moment I have two places to choose from and I am not clear about either. I just wish I could get that clarity. You know what I think it might be: I am just so heart-broken and hurting right now I guess I am stopping myself from getting excited about it just in case it doesn’t happen and then I wont feel so bad. I guess that’s okay. Perhaps once I am out, away from this, I will have a different perspective. 

And I am not choosing my dream right now. What I mean is that I am not looking for my dream home, my ideal life, that comes later once I have my life back. What I am looking for right now (I guess) is a place of my own, that is safe, clean, inexpensive and away from him.

Looking through the Sunday papers I noticed a picture of a smiling couple, he a world-famous actor, she his lovely wife, out enjoying the sunshine, hand-in-hand without a care in the world. Except the words told a different story. A few hours earlier (apparently) he had been arrested, taken to a Police station and questioned for six hours for allegedly assaulting her. However, so said the article, she has how dropped all charges against him and is saying that everything is fine and it was a misunderstanding that has now been blown completely out of proportion. 

Well, as you can imagine, firstly, I feel for her. Reading between the lines it is obvious to me what is going on – she is a victim of domestic violence – and yet, like me and many, many others, she is in denial – why? Because she (like me for quite some time and many others) is obviously in love with and besotted by her husband still. I wonder in her case how long she will feel like this if the abuse continues? I wonder how long it will be before she closes down to him like I did? For me it happened gradually. I forgave him, sure, even took some of the responsibility myself. Perhaps he was right perhaps it was my fault. But as it got worse, the insults, the physical violence, I began to withdraw. Then I got angry, with him (although I kept it in) with myself, with his family, with bad drivers …. and so on. But that changed too over time and now? How do I feel? Indifferent to him is how I will describe it. 

Anyway, back to this ‘famous’ couple. The second thing that struck me (and this shows how much I have changed – thank god!) is that HE is someone I have had a massive crush on for years. This man has occupied a place in my esteem as something of a hero. He has certainly played those roles many times in his career. But you know what? I looked at that picture, and I read that story and I thought “You weak, cowardly fuck!” the admiration and attraction was gone in an instant. Now, I have no idea what will happen to this couple but I will keep my eyes open as I do not think it is a one-time-only event but if I ever met that man in real life, which I hope for his sake I don’t, I think I would be tempted to spit on him. Of course, I wouldn’t (I’m too polite for that) but I hope he gets what he deserves.

Yesterday morning I returned from walking the dog (which by-the-way is my salvation right now. I get to do it alone, without him!) and I put my car in the garage because we were expecting visitors so I thought I’d free up some space for them to park. I noticed a rug of mine which had been in storage in the garage was missing. I looked all around but it was not there. So, when I went in the house I said, sweetly and calmly to my husband: “Do you know what happened to my rug?” to which he responded by getting really uptight: “What rug?” (and without waiting for a response): “The rug that was in there you said you didn’t like because the dog had been sick on it.” (his agitation increasing – he is now pacing up and down in the living room): “I am absolutely stressed out by this. Why are you blaming me for taking your rug? Jesus. you blame me for everything and now you are blaming me for taking your rug. You didn’t even like that urg!!” I say, calmly, “I only asked if you knew what had happened to it?” but he is still ranting and not listening to me so I asked why he was getting so defensive and upset. He just kept ranting on about how I was always blaming him for stuff and shouting at him. Then he starts to pretend to cry and does this thing I have only ever seen kids do when they are trying to manipulate adults he pretended to cry whilst at the same time ranting on at me about how unfair I was to him. 

I guess it’s better than hitting me, which he would have done before his Police caution. And in a way it’s actually quite comical, except that this is my husband we are talking about and I am, so far, married to him!! Of course, like you I realise that it should have gone something like this: I say: ” Darling, do you know what happened to my rug?” he replies: “Ah, yes, I’m sorry sweetie, I put it out with the rubbish because you’d said the dog had been sick on it. I thought you wanted to get rid of it.” To which I would have replied: “Oh. Okay but I wish you’d asked me first. I’d managed to clean it up and it might have come in handy one day but never mind.” To which he would have said: “yes, you’re right. I should have asked but you weren’t here to ask. I was going to tell you too but it slipped my mind. I’m sorry sweetie. Can I make it up to you?” to which I would have said “crack open the white later and pour me a glass.”

The good thing about this incident is that it served as a reminder to me as to why I am leaving. Why do I wait for a reminder anyway? Why can I not just have conviction in my decisions? But as H says, that’s a question for the future, not now.

I need to change my mind set. That’s what I need to do. 

Once I have REALLY made up my mind, everything will fall into place. 

But in order to do that I need to get clear on what it is I want from life. I have loads of ideas about what I don’t want but am unclear as to what I do want. How can life give me what I want if I don’t even know what it is. That’s it. I’ll do it. 

What do I want?

I met up with a friend the other day (she knows about my situation) and we were talking. She’s going through some marital stuff too. Her husband of almost 30 years has been having an affair. We put each other in the picture as to where we are both at in our respective situations and I found that whilst I was talking to her, what I thought I was sure about wasn’t quite so clear to me anymore. She asked me outright “do you really want to leave him?” and I found myself saying “I don’t know.” and as I said it I could hear myself yelling idiot! Why are you so scared to have life on your terms? To go for the life that you want? 

It was our wedding anniversary last week but for me not something to celebrate. We did go out for dinner and it was okay but it was just like the whole of my life right now, just okay. Not joyful or hopeful or exciting or growing or indeed anything. I am treading water right now. I’m still in this ‘effing’ canoe. The white water of the last couple of weeks is behind me but I am still in this damn thing and what’s more is that there is more white water up ahead. It’s like – what am I waiting for? It’s like I am waiting for him to hit me again or get abusive to remind me what I am doing and that it is right to leave. But he isn’t right now. 

And all this doubt and confusion, all it is doing is screwing things up for me so that it is becoming even more difficult for me to leave. The house is falling through, the money I have saved is not enough, things keep coming up to turn my focus from what it is I need to be focussing on. 

So I’m back in my fog of doubt. I lack clarity and most of all conviction but I am beginning to recognise that it is a pattern for me. I have been like this all my life. I allow myself too easilly to be talked out of things, to follow others views of where and what I should be doing, to be talked into things, to give up and not go for what I really want and what I truly believe in and there lies my issue. There it is. I settle for second best, allow myself to be used and abused and as long as the abuse is not happening it’s okay, It’ll do. 

Maybe I should start telling myself it wont do.

Earlier, I wrote that I was feeling irritable and I wasn’t quite sure why. I guessed it was tiredness and the fact that I am living a lie right now but I have since realised the real source of my irritation – I am SCARED! 

I am scared of what he will do when I leave. I am scared of how I will leave. How can I take all my stuff and the dog without him suspecting anything? I don’t feel safe, I am having to live a lie, sleep with the enemy and all that and not getting enough rest. I can take important papers with me, that is not a problem, but what about my stuff, MY STUFF!? It is important to me. Please don’t tell me to just leave it behind. I can’t. Why should I do without MY mother’s paintings, MY books, MY grandma’s tea-set!? I need those things around me in my new home to help me get over this. Please tell me that it’s going to be okay. That it will all be okay in the end. I need to hear that right now. I’m sounding a little crazy, I know. I am right now but I’ll be okay. I’m just scared.

I am feeling constantly irritable and it isn’t just PMS! The reason for this is 1) I am not sleeping well. I wake often in the middle of the night and sometimes very early in the morning following anxiety-filled dreams about my partner. The other night I dreampt we were at a family party (his family, of course) and he was deliberately undermining me, whispering mean things and then turning to his friends and family and acting all charming and friendly. He kept coming up to me and telling me what other people were saying about me (none of which was complimentary) and he was deliberately showing a great deal of overt and flirtatious attention to another woman. I felt belittled, isolated, cheap. It may have been a dream but I have experienced those feelings for real many times in my current relationship. 

The second reason (although I suspect the primary one) I feel irritated is that I am living a double life right now and lying to my partner. I am planning and preparing to leave and yet I can tell no-one most especially him and that does not sit well with me. I have always believed that the truth sets you free and I have always known that lying makes me feel bad, makes me feel incongruent and like my life is in ‘dis’. I want to say to him: “Listen, we both know this isn’t working and hasn’t been for some time. I have found somewhere else to live and I will be moving out on *****. Nothing is forever and perhaps we can still see each other and keep in touch but I think some space will do us both good.” I’d dearly love to be able to say that but I can’t because I know the mere fact that I have had the audacity to plan this, by myself, without consulting him or seeking his permission will set him off and sabotage the situation. I fear it will be bad enough on the day I actually, physically go, never mind preempting anything now. I am guessing he will be awkward and disruptive so I am making plans around that as much as I can. 

The thing is there are lots of things I could do, call the authorities, sneak off without his knowledge, move my stuff in stages – loads of things and I am doing what I can but I refuse to be terrorised by that man. If he wants to be awkward, let him! He can hold my stuff hostage but he can never have the one thing he wants and which I have control over and that is me! Anyway, perhaps I am worrying unduly and it will all be okay and he will be totally accepting and helpful (yeah right!!).

I found blogs like this useful when I was at the point of knowing something was up, that my marriage wasn’t ‘normal’ but not really having any clarity on what it was or how to label it. Why were some days so full of tension for no apparent reason and yet others, which ought to have been because of work pressures and so forth were refreshing as a spring breeze?

Reading other people’s stories helped me recognise that I was married to an abusive partner whose only motive was control and for whom reason was/is the enemy. It got me to a point of clarity from which I could see that the only option was/is to leave. Prior to that I lived day-to-day in a haze of self-doubt, confusion, constant unexpressed anger (which sometimes manifested as depression) and stress. It blinded me and sometimes pushed me so far into myself that I felt like I had disappeared.

Last week I thought I would make an attempt at offering what I hoped would be useful tips to other sufferers by creating a page about recognising domestic abuse and adult bullying because that seems to be the starting point for most people to end abuse. I soon realised, however, that although I am suffering this horrendous misfortune, I am no expert. I tried making a list of bullet-points, things which I have come across on other sites that resonated with me but it didn’t feel right. It lacked substance; the substance that comes from writing from the heart about MY experience, what is happening to me, where I am right now and what I am going through in the hope that someone else who is going through the same or similar will read it and no longer feel alone and isolated. I figure I will leave that expert stuff to the experts, the people who are counsellors and psychotherapists and specialists. They are the ones who are (if they have suffered abuse in the past)  well-healed enough (nothing to do with being rich) to offer advice and guidance. All I can do is tell you what is going on with me, what I am choosing to do about it and the consequences thereof. Maybe I am making mistakes, maybe I am being super rational – I don’t know. All I do know is that I do not deserve to be treated the way I have been treated in the past. Although he is behaving okay now, I AM scared it will happen again and besides which there is too much hurtful baggage between us. 

So, if there is anything here that has helped anyone to either recognise what is going on or helped in the healing process – great! I take great comfort from having this as my ‘release’ and from the encouraging and helpful comments from fellow survivors.