I saw my counsellor yesterday. She listened sympathetically, offered words of support and validated much of what I said. It was good but it wasn’t enough. Last week I saw my solicitor. He gave me no answers, left me feeling quite frustrated actually (apparently it is going to cost me thousands to get divorced and sort out the assets of our life together. There may not even be anything left once it is sorted – if indeed we ever get to that place!). My supposed friend who had offered to help me find somewhere to live said today that she couldn’t help. I felt completely alone, isolated, cast out. I am guessing my friend doesn’t want to help because she fears any potential aftermath from my husband. I don’t know, I am only guessing but it hurt. They say you find out who your friends are at times like this but I suspect something different is going on. Firstly (as you will know if you’ve been this position), there are not may people out there who really understand the issue and its effects. That includes professionals like counsellors, lawyers as well as friends and family. More importantly, though, I am realising, with increasing clarity, that this is one situation the solution to which lies within me and nowhere else. 

I recognise that I have been looking to be rescued, seeking answers from other people, wanting someone else to sort this mess out. Mostly, I have been believing my husband that he is capable of changing and that it will be okay if I just wait, like he says, if we can just get over this one more hurdle. But in actual fact all the answers are there, within me. I know what I need to do and how to do it. I just have to take action – and I am guessing it is not as hard as I imagine it might be. My counsellor can offer me invaluable support (and does), my solicitor can only tell me what he knows and it is up to me to find someone else who understands more and my friend has her own stuff going on and is really not able to rescue me but just to be a friend. I know there are so many sources of support but I have to take action myself and as my wonderful Pop said the other day “You’ll be a stronger person as a result.”

As for the comments, words of encouragement, kindnesses and blessings I am receiving from sisters across the globe – I do not have the words to tell you how much I appreciate it but I do. You will be pleased to know, I have almost amassed enough money to leave and I have started to look for a place to live. Perhaps this is the beginning of the end.