I was talking to someone about my situation and trying to explain the difference, as I see it, between genuine anger and abusive behaviour. When I express anger, it is in ‘response’ to something. It is controlled and once expressed, I am quick to calm down and, in certain circumstances, I apologise and ‘clean it up’.

I don’t use abusive behaviour or anger to try and influence someone or manipulate them or gain a hold or control over them. Abusers do. My husband uses abuse in this way.

I wondered if he was born like that or if society made him that way? Mostly, I think it is the latter but occasionally I get flashes of insight that make me wonder. My husband would tell you that he has had a hard life, that he has been treated badly and suffered greatly. He tells people this a lot. I too have had a hard life and suffered but I don’t go around telling everyone I meet. Of course, I share it with friends during our candid exchanges but mostly I take the point of view that I am no different to anyone else in that everyone has a story of suffering to tell. In other words, I do not think I am ’special’ because of what I have suffered. My husband on the other hand does. I often hear him using those very words: “I believe I am special because of what I have suffered.” 

To me, he seems to have quite a charmed life. He has a family who care for him deeply. He has never been short of money or personal possessions and as far as I can see he is good at getting the favours in life. He has problems, sure he does, but to me he is well practiced at using them to his advantage. 

There is a photograph of him; I saw it for the first time early on in our relationship and I remember being struck by it. It is not a particularly striking picture, quite ordinary but for me it tells a profound story. The image is of my husband in a hospital bed when he was sixteen years old. He had been rushed in having broken his leg Cart racing. He is sitting up in bed, opening get-well cards and his father is standing next to him, a wry smile on his face, with his hands clasped behind his back. He looks extremely uncomfortable, like he is scared to move any closer. His discomfort could be that of a concerned father, but if it was wouldn’t he be in a more open position? It looks to me like bewilderment, shear helplessness not a little guarded. Like a rabbit in the headlights he really does look as if he has no idea what to do or say, how to handle the situation. My husband, on the other hand, looks positively victorious. He has this look on his face that says “Ha, I’ve won!” 

I remember, when I first saw the picture, being struck by this strange dynamic and wondering why it should be? Why was my husband’s father looking so weakened and he so triumphant? At the time I couldn’t understand but now it is becoming clearer that my husband is so motivated to be in control that he cares little for anything – including his own health and well-being – that he will deliberately put himself in life-threatening situations to gain the upper hand. 

Being around him, it is impossible to relax. I feel I am constantly challenged and on this testing adventure with him. I never know what is going to happen from one day to the next, one moment to the next, can never plan anything (even social activities) because I have to ensure HE is in charge and that ALL the decisions are his. Anything we have done that has been my idea, he has sabotaged and often in the most covert ways so that you can’t even lay blame on him – are well it just happened!

Just like back then with the Cart racing. It had been his brother’s idea, first, and then my husband became involved in. I am guessing he knew he could never be as good as his brother and so he had to do something else to win the victory. Having a nasty accident did the trick because it drew everyone’s attention to him, momentarily, and over the long-term far outshone any story his brother could tell of merely winning races! Of course, I am not saying he did it on purpose but knowing him as I do I am pretty sure he will have seen an opportunity and done nothing to stop it!