So, I think I’ve found a place I can move into pretty soon. For the past few months I’ve been stashing what little money I can into a bank account he doesn’t know about. My escape fund. I’ve racked up enough to rent a nice little place that will be cheap to run whilst I get back on my feet. I saw one the other day and I am now negotiating and waiting for the owner to finish laying carpets. I can’t wait! I don’t have a stick of furniture to my name but I don’t care about. As long as I’m out and away from this/him, I can accrue furniture over the coming months. I am sure one or two friends will be able to help me out. I had a house full of furniture before I met my husband. Nothing to write home about (most of it bought from sale rooms) but nice eclectic pieces that I liked. He made me get rid of all mine because his (he said) was better. Why did I fall for that one!? Because at the time I was in love. We were getting married and I thought we’d be living together forever!
I have mixed feelings about the move. I am looking forward to starting over again, in a new place (literally and spiritually) but I don’t know how he will react or what he will do. I suspect he will try and make it as difficult for me as possible and be awkward, disruptive and nasty. Ideally, I’d like to do it when he’s not there but he is with me all the time – at work and at home! I’m going to ask my DA adviser if she has any suggestions as to what I can do about that. My husband, for example, as I am busy packing boxes, will go around behind me unpacking them again. I am worried he will hide stuff that he knows is important to me (like my books and stuff of my mothers). He’s done it before so I have no reason to not think he will do it when I try to move out. Also, I am scared that he will wait until I am away from the house, have the locks changed and not let me back in with all my stuff still inside. He’s a mean man. I am hoping I will be wrong and that he will realise he cannot bully or abuse me into staying and rollover, gracefully and let me go. Pah! Been waiting for that for too long!
Where I am moving to is not that far away and I was talking to a friend the other day who expressed concern about that. He thinks my husband will soon find me. I don’t think he will – I KNOW HE WILL!!! But, to be frank, he’s the sort of man who will find me wherever I go – even to the other side of the world. So, in that sense it does not make any difference where I put myself as it will only be a matter of time.
The way I see it is that this man has taken my liberty, personal freedom and basic human rights for three years now. He has kept me a virtual prisoner and a slave to his neediness. Why should I allow him to drive me away as well!?
I thanked my friend for his concern and told him – as I am telling you now – that I am not running away from this man. The town in which I live is my home. It is where my friends and family live and it is where I have built a life for myself for over a decade. It is bad enough that I have endured three years of hell. Why should I be driven out as well!? If he finds me and kills me, then I will die a brave woman not a victim and that matters to me. What’s that line in Braveheart: “you may take our lives but you will never take our FREEDOM!” We work in the same business, for now anyway until I disentangle myself from him, and I am not letting him ruin that as well. I was running my business for ten years before I met him and he is not going to take the future of that away from me either. I will not fight him. I do not want to fight him but I will not be a victim either. I know my situation will probably get worse before it gets better but I am ready. Just one more push and I’m there. It’s like I’m in this canoe and I’ve been clinging onto the riverbank because I have been scared to let go because I can see all this foaming white water up ahead. Beyond it is a beautiful expanse of calm water waiting to be explored. If I can just get through the rapids! I think I’ll be okay; I have a good quality life jacket.
