Comments on: Domestic Abuse – when families get involved http://thinkingwoman1.wordpress.com/2008/07/06/domestic-abuse-when-families-get-involved/ Domestic Abuse - a survivor's story Wed, 28 Oct 2009 15:15:33 +0000 http://wordpress.com/ hourly 1 By: Harriet Jacobs http://thinkingwoman1.wordpress.com/2008/07/06/domestic-abuse-when-families-get-involved/#comment-18 Harriet Jacobs Wed, 16 Jul 2008 21:43:54 +0000 http://thinkingwoman1.wordpress.com/?p=16#comment-18 The exact same thing happened to me. I spent a long time trying to "Work things out" with my ex, and once it came out to his family that we were having problems and I was thinking of leaving, they stopped speaking to me entirely. And I was living in their house at the time, but they literally ignored me whenever I spoke. They had been incredibly supportive, wonderful people up until then, and I was devastated. I called my mother in tears and asked her what was happening, if I was a bad daughter, wrong for being unhappy, sick for wanting a divorce. She explained it very plainly. My in-laws had spent their whole lives coping with this creepy, infantile, manipulative, worthless human being, and had finally managed to foist him off on me by pushing us to get married young. Now, I was leaving, and there would be a Harriet-shaped hole where there used to be a nanny, just a big open space between them and their walking, talking, sneering failure-to-parent. I hear, from people who know my ex's brother, that their family is still in wicked turmoil about it. One minute they are all degrading me, what a terrible and selfish person I am, and as soon as my ex is out of the room, they are telling a different story, about how much they miss me. Of course, I know it's not me they miss. They miss that brief and wonderful time where they did not have to buy their son his groceries, pay for his drug habit, or listen to his vile attempts at conversation. I get so angry at them sometimes, and I want them to know what it was like, I want them to understand how horrible their son was to me. And then I remember, they do. They already know, and that's why they abandoned me. I'm still angry, but I understand that they're already getting what they deserve for pretending to be blind; they get him. The exact same thing happened to me. I spent a long time trying to “Work things out” with my ex, and once it came out to his family that we were having problems and I was thinking of leaving, they stopped speaking to me entirely. And I was living in their house at the time, but they literally ignored me whenever I spoke.

They had been incredibly supportive, wonderful people up until then, and I was devastated. I called my mother in tears and asked her what was happening, if I was a bad daughter, wrong for being unhappy, sick for wanting a divorce. She explained it very plainly. My in-laws had spent their whole lives coping with this creepy, infantile, manipulative, worthless human being, and had finally managed to foist him off on me by pushing us to get married young. Now, I was leaving, and there would be a Harriet-shaped hole where there used to be a nanny, just a big open space between them and their walking, talking, sneering failure-to-parent.

I hear, from people who know my ex’s brother, that their family is still in wicked turmoil about it. One minute they are all degrading me, what a terrible and selfish person I am, and as soon as my ex is out of the room, they are telling a different story, about how much they miss me. Of course, I know it’s not me they miss. They miss that brief and wonderful time where they did not have to buy their son his groceries, pay for his drug habit, or listen to his vile attempts at conversation. I get so angry at them sometimes, and I want them to know what it was like, I want them to understand how horrible their son was to me. And then I remember, they do. They already know, and that’s why they abandoned me. I’m still angry, but I understand that they’re already getting what they deserve for pretending to be blind; they get him.

]]> By: Laura http://thinkingwoman1.wordpress.com/2008/07/06/domestic-abuse-when-families-get-involved/#comment-8 Laura Mon, 07 Jul 2008 23:02:47 +0000 http://thinkingwoman1.wordpress.com/?p=16#comment-8 I was married to my ex-husband for almost 22 years, and dated him for two years before that. I stayed at his family's house countless times, I am their only daughter-in-law, I brought their first grandchild into this world, and yet, when the marriage ended I never heard from them. While they don't know the degree to which his behavior degraded, they knew what kind of person he is--and the kind of person I am. But they never called, they never consoled. They abandoned me. Good riddance is all I have to say, if that's how they want to treat me. After all, they were the ones who "nurtured" him. The best thing to do is to keep looking at the situation with a sharp eye, being aware is probably the best thing for you. I was married to my ex-husband for almost 22 years, and dated him for two years before that. I stayed at his family’s house countless times, I am their only daughter-in-law, I brought their first grandchild into this world, and yet, when the marriage ended I never heard from them. While they don’t know the degree to which his behavior degraded, they knew what kind of person he is–and the kind of person I am. But they never called, they never consoled. They abandoned me. Good riddance is all I have to say, if that’s how they want to treat me. After all, they were the ones who “nurtured” him.

The best thing to do is to keep looking at the situation with a sharp eye, being aware is probably the best thing for you.

]]>