I used the analogy here the other day that escaping domestic abuse is like paddling a canoe through rapids, it gets harder before it gets easier. It feels like I have been in this retched canoe, fighting white water, for years. I was walking the dog at the weekend contemplating what lies ahead and I just felt exhausted. I kept thinking – do I have the energy to do this? I guess there’s that point for everyone where you have been working towards a goal for ages and it seems further away than ever and yet at the same time closer and you just think – one more push, just one more push! 

I had a weird day yesterday. I had a critically important meeting with a solicitor who is advising me on our business affairs and how to disentangle them and it is something I have been worrying about for weeks and have not been able to source the right advice from anyone. We’re in dire-straights and he refuses to do anything about it. I need to take action to stop it getting any worse (there will be no divorce settlement from this marriage. I know that but I want to leave without any liabilities. Been there, done that, got the tee-shirt and I have learned my lesson about money. It is not my fault we are almost bankrupt). Anyway, my weird day, so I had to leave for this important meeting and, of course, he didn’t know where I was going and I couldn’t tell him and it got awkward and I ended up arriving a little late, which wasn’t great. I couldn’t find anywhere to park and it started raining the moment I got out of the car (it rained every time I got out of the car yesterday!). Thankfully, the meeting went well. The guy ‘knew his onions’ (as it were – one of those annoying but quaint English expressions!) and managed to give me the clarity I so need right now. So I left my meeting, and got rained on going back to the car, and dropped my keys trying to get into the office only to find that we had run out of coffee, milk and toilet paper and it only ever seems to be me who remembers to get any!! Then I got a call from the Estate agent about the house I found to rent, which wasn’t quite finished. Someone else wanted it so did I want to go and see it so that I could make my mind up (thankfully, the owners were doing the right thing. They had said I could have first refusal). Despite feeling pressured I agreed to go and view it again yesterday afternoon. I was in two minds; I really wanted it because rentals are hard to find here right now but I wasn’t sure about certain aspects of it and the rent was too high. Now, get ready because this is a break-through moment for me, which many of you may miss because you probably learned this years ago). I asked for guidance to make the right decision and decided I would go with my gut feeling. As soon as I walked in I knew it wasn’t right for me and I said so there and then. Desperate as I am to leave my situation I also recognise the importance of honouring myself and not compromising my standards just because I am desperate. This has been my habit all through my life and probably why I have ended up in this situation. It felt great to say no. Like a declaration to the universe even though it was just a few simple words to a pushy estate agent. Driving away in the car I felt much stronger even thought I have to start from scratch again looking for somewhere to live.

I got back to work to a scribbled ‘Postit’ note on my desk from my husband: “Gone to sort out personal finances.” For him to just up and leave like that I knew something quite bad must have happened. He gets calls from debt collectors everyday and happily ignores them. It gave me an uneasy feeling for the rest of the day. He didn’t call to say where he was or email, which is unlike him. When I go home, there he was, on his bed with his computer. He immediately starting talking to me about something completely trivial, which I know means he is avoiding the important stuff. Since the Police thing, this is his tactic. He’s no longer abusing me but withholding information. I asked him. Came straight out and asked him where he had been and all he said was “sorting stuff out.”

Later on the doorbell rang. I was snoozing in front of the TV and didn’t really register that it was our bell that had rang. I thought it was the TV. So, my husband had to go and answer it and was not happy about the fact. Moments later he came back upstairs (our TV is in a snug upstairs) agitated and said it had been the vicar who married us come to talk to him. My husband told him he had no idea why he had come and told him to leave. I was shocked that he had sent him away like that particularly because my husband went to see him, unannounced, the day after he attended the Police station to answer his bail and the man listened to him, gave him counsel and dinner. I felt bad about my husband and told him so which didn’t go down too well. He got that look on his face that he gets before he starts abusing me, a really hard, stern look with pursed lips and figetty eyes. I knew at that moment it was time to leave so I did. 

Things were okay this morning. I just get a sense that things are coming to a head but I really have no idea of the full picture as to what is going on, who he has seen and talked to, what his plans are – nothing! That’s why all I can do is sort myself out. I’m going to leave his business to him (I have already resigned as a director), take my business with me and leave him with all the assets in exchange for no liabilities. Hopefully, he will agree to that (makes sense) and then it is up to him whether he sells or keeps the assets. I doubt he can keep them for too long as he cannot afford to but that’s up to him.

At the moment I am negotiating my way through this white water okay. It’s scary and I am not fully in control of the canoe yet but at least I know I am heading in the direction of the calmer waters.