I’m doing everything I should, why do I feel so scared and vulnerable?

This has been my life for four years. Bad as he is, my husband has been my life for those years. Crummy one he may be but he has been my best friend, confidante, mentor, partner as well as abuser for all that time and it is just so scary to go out there on my own knowing that he is still there. He still has a hold on me I know.

Yesterday, I was beginning to feel like a fraud because he is being so nice and everything is so ‘okay’. We went out socially and a friend who is vaguely aware that we have had problems came over to me and said “It is good to see you both together and looking so well.” She smiled and patted my hand whilst saying it and in my imagination I could also hear her say “There, I suspected you’d been exaggerating all along. Drama queen!” But then I remembered; what he is doing now is only normal. It is nothing extraordinary. Any half-decent man would behave in a mature, civilised, responsible manner. He is not doing anything extraordinary that would really show me that he is changing – like checking into therapy!!

Then I read the comments left on here, from H especially, and it was like reading my life and it reminded me that it is all part of his game. As soon as he gets even a sniff that I believe him and that I’m staying it will start all over again. I need to stay strong and keep my resolve – and I will. I need to do some form of detachment exercise or something to keep reminding myself why I’m doing this – to be FREE to have the life I deserve!!