I found blogs like this useful when I was at the point of knowing something was up, that my marriage wasn’t ‘normal’ but not really having any clarity on what it was or how to label it. Why were some days so full of tension for no apparent reason and yet others, which ought to have been because of work pressures and so forth were refreshing as a spring breeze?

Reading other people’s stories helped me recognise that I was married to an abusive partner whose only motive was control and for whom reason was/is the enemy. It got me to a point of clarity from which I could see that the only option was/is to leave. Prior to that I lived day-to-day in a haze of self-doubt, confusion, constant unexpressed anger (which sometimes manifested as depression) and stress. It blinded me and sometimes pushed me so far into myself that I felt like I had disappeared.

Last week I thought I would make an attempt at offering what I hoped would be useful tips to other sufferers by creating a page about recognising domestic abuse and adult bullying because that seems to be the starting point for most people to end abuse. I soon realised, however, that although I am suffering this horrendous misfortune, I am no expert. I tried making a list of bullet-points, things which I have come across on other sites that resonated with me but it didn’t feel right. It lacked substance; the substance that comes from writing from the heart about MY experience, what is happening to me, where I am right now and what I am going through in the hope that someone else who is going through the same or similar will read it and no longer feel alone and isolated. I figure I will leave that expert stuff to the experts, the people who are counsellors and psychotherapists and specialists. They are the ones who are (if they have suffered abuse in the past)  well-healed enough (nothing to do with being rich) to offer advice and guidance. All I can do is tell you what is going on with me, what I am choosing to do about it and the consequences thereof. Maybe I am making mistakes, maybe I am being super rational – I don’t know. All I do know is that I do not deserve to be treated the way I have been treated in the past. Although he is behaving okay now, I AM scared it will happen again and besides which there is too much hurtful baggage between us. 

So, if there is anything here that has helped anyone to either recognise what is going on or helped in the healing process – great! I take great comfort from having this as my ‘release’ and from the encouraging and helpful comments from fellow survivors.