I need to change my mind set. That’s what I need to do. 

Once I have REALLY made up my mind, everything will fall into place. 

But in order to do that I need to get clear on what it is I want from life. I have loads of ideas about what I don’t want but am unclear as to what I do want. How can life give me what I want if I don’t even know what it is. That’s it. I’ll do it. 

What do I want?

I met up with a friend the other day (she knows about my situation) and we were talking. She’s going through some marital stuff too. Her husband of almost 30 years has been having an affair. We put each other in the picture as to where we are both at in our respective situations and I found that whilst I was talking to her, what I thought I was sure about wasn’t quite so clear to me anymore. She asked me outright “do you really want to leave him?” and I found myself saying “I don’t know.” and as I said it I could hear myself yelling idiot! Why are you so scared to have life on your terms? To go for the life that you want? 

It was our wedding anniversary last week but for me not something to celebrate. We did go out for dinner and it was okay but it was just like the whole of my life right now, just okay. Not joyful or hopeful or exciting or growing or indeed anything. I am treading water right now. I’m still in this ‘effing’ canoe. The white water of the last couple of weeks is behind me but I am still in this damn thing and what’s more is that there is more white water up ahead. It’s like – what am I waiting for? It’s like I am waiting for him to hit me again or get abusive to remind me what I am doing and that it is right to leave. But he isn’t right now. 

And all this doubt and confusion, all it is doing is screwing things up for me so that it is becoming even more difficult for me to leave. The house is falling through, the money I have saved is not enough, things keep coming up to turn my focus from what it is I need to be focussing on. 

So I’m back in my fog of doubt. I lack clarity and most of all conviction but I am beginning to recognise that it is a pattern for me. I have been like this all my life. I allow myself too easilly to be talked out of things, to follow others views of where and what I should be doing, to be talked into things, to give up and not go for what I really want and what I truly believe in and there lies my issue. There it is. I settle for second best, allow myself to be used and abused and as long as the abuse is not happening it’s okay, It’ll do. 

Maybe I should start telling myself it wont do.