Looking through the Sunday papers I noticed a picture of a smiling couple, he a world-famous actor, she his lovely wife, out enjoying the sunshine, hand-in-hand without a care in the world. Except the words told a different story. A few hours earlier (apparently) he had been arrested, taken to a Police station and questioned for six hours for allegedly assaulting her. However, so said the article, she has how dropped all charges against him and is saying that everything is fine and it was a misunderstanding that has now been blown completely out of proportion. 

Well, as you can imagine, firstly, I feel for her. Reading between the lines it is obvious to me what is going on – she is a victim of domestic violence – and yet, like me and many, many others, she is in denial – why? Because she (like me for quite some time and many others) is obviously in love with and besotted by her husband still. I wonder in her case how long she will feel like this if the abuse continues? I wonder how long it will be before she closes down to him like I did? For me it happened gradually. I forgave him, sure, even took some of the responsibility myself. Perhaps he was right perhaps it was my fault. But as it got worse, the insults, the physical violence, I began to withdraw. Then I got angry, with him (although I kept it in) with myself, with his family, with bad drivers …. and so on. But that changed too over time and now? How do I feel? Indifferent to him is how I will describe it. 

Anyway, back to this ‘famous’ couple. The second thing that struck me (and this shows how much I have changed – thank god!) is that HE is someone I have had a massive crush on for years. This man has occupied a place in my esteem as something of a hero. He has certainly played those roles many times in his career. But you know what? I looked at that picture, and I read that story and I thought “You weak, cowardly fuck!” the admiration and attraction was gone in an instant. Now, I have no idea what will happen to this couple but I will keep my eyes open as I do not think it is a one-time-only event but if I ever met that man in real life, which I hope for his sake I don’t, I think I would be tempted to spit on him. Of course, I wouldn’t (I’m too polite for that) but I hope he gets what he deserves.

Yesterday morning I returned from walking the dog (which by-the-way is my salvation right now. I get to do it alone, without him!) and I put my car in the garage because we were expecting visitors so I thought I’d free up some space for them to park. I noticed a rug of mine which had been in storage in the garage was missing. I looked all around but it was not there. So, when I went in the house I said, sweetly and calmly to my husband: “Do you know what happened to my rug?” to which he responded by getting really uptight: “What rug?” (and without waiting for a response): “The rug that was in there you said you didn’t like because the dog had been sick on it.” (his agitation increasing – he is now pacing up and down in the living room): “I am absolutely stressed out by this. Why are you blaming me for taking your rug? Jesus. you blame me for everything and now you are blaming me for taking your rug. You didn’t even like that urg!!” I say, calmly, “I only asked if you knew what had happened to it?” but he is still ranting and not listening to me so I asked why he was getting so defensive and upset. He just kept ranting on about how I was always blaming him for stuff and shouting at him. Then he starts to pretend to cry and does this thing I have only ever seen kids do when they are trying to manipulate adults he pretended to cry whilst at the same time ranting on at me about how unfair I was to him. 

I guess it’s better than hitting me, which he would have done before his Police caution. And in a way it’s actually quite comical, except that this is my husband we are talking about and I am, so far, married to him!! Of course, like you I realise that it should have gone something like this: I say: ” Darling, do you know what happened to my rug?” he replies: “Ah, yes, I’m sorry sweetie, I put it out with the rubbish because you’d said the dog had been sick on it. I thought you wanted to get rid of it.” To which I would have replied: “Oh. Okay but I wish you’d asked me first. I’d managed to clean it up and it might have come in handy one day but never mind.” To which he would have said: “yes, you’re right. I should have asked but you weren’t here to ask. I was going to tell you too but it slipped my mind. I’m sorry sweetie. Can I make it up to you?” to which I would have said “crack open the white later and pour me a glass.”

The good thing about this incident is that it served as a reminder to me as to why I am leaving. Why do I wait for a reminder anyway? Why can I not just have conviction in my decisions? But as H says, that’s a question for the future, not now.