They are changing the law over here so that if a victim of long-term domestic abuse kills their abuser, either in self-defence or through extreme provocation, s/he may have their charge reduced from murder to man-slaughter.  

I’m in two minds about this. In the past when my own abusive situation has been at its worst I have felt like killing my husband just to make it stop but it was the fact that I would have to spend the rest of my life in prison that stopped me from doing it. Why would I want to go from one unbearable institution into another? If I could have ‘got away with it’ would I? I’d like to think that no matter how bad it got I would always be able to maintain just enough dignity and control to keep myself together. I tell you though, there have been times when it has been extremely difficult. Prior to this I would never have believed it was possible to have those thoughts, that was something that happened to other people – not me. There have also been numerous times when I have contemplated taking my own life for the same reasons and oddly enough stopped myself from doing so for the same reasons. 

No matter how much provocation or abuse I have been subjected to, I feel better about myself knowing that I have not killed anyone – whether murder or man-slaughter – and that I am taking control of ending that abuse in other, more positive ways. That said, I would find it difficult to judge anyone, if they had been subjected to the same, for doing what they have to do to make it stop.

God, I can’t wait to get out of this limbo! It’s driving me nuts! I can’t seem to make up my mind about anything – particularly when to leave or which house to rent. I’ve been to see a few; all of which have been suitable but not perfect and I have rejected them. I then went back to one and made the decision to go for it but had doubts. I then made up my mind and seemed quite happy with my decision but then they started doubting my ability to pay the rent and asking for guarantors or money up front and so forth and I decided I didn’t want my decision as to where I live next after leaving this abusive relationship to be made or influenced by some referencing agency in some god-awful city somewhere who has never met me and doesn’t know me from Adam! So, whilst they make up their minds I went off looking at other properties. I found another one that ticks all of the boxes and even comes with furniture, which I wasn’t expecting (but works out great because I have nothing) and a great view! Couldn’t be better! Why, then, am I not more excited about it? I have made an application for it and must now wait, again, for references to be made. It’s all to do with the credit crunch apparently. Everyone is nervous that no-one will be in a position to pay their bills, including rent, in six months time. Funny thing is, once I am out of this stinking relationship I will be in a much better position. I consistently bring more money into the business than he does and all my clients will be coming into my new life with me as they were before I met and married my hubby. Once I have full control of the money again I will be far better off and able to pay bills and rent. 

Meanwhile, we are still in the same house and he keeps telling me how much he likes being nice to me like it is going to persuade me to stay. He does, however, keep reminding me how needy, incompetent and selfish he is, which is good because then I don’t have to feel guilty about not being persuaded. 

I just hope I am doing the right thing. Not leaving him, I know that is right but choosing the right place to live for me. One that affords me everything I need to get my life back on track. At the moment I have two places to choose from and I am not clear about either. I just wish I could get that clarity. You know what I think it might be: I am just so heart-broken and hurting right now I guess I am stopping myself from getting excited about it just in case it doesn’t happen and then I wont feel so bad. I guess that’s okay. Perhaps once I am out, away from this, I will have a different perspective. 

And I am not choosing my dream right now. What I mean is that I am not looking for my dream home, my ideal life, that comes later once I have my life back. What I am looking for right now (I guess) is a place of my own, that is safe, clean, inexpensive and away from him.