I now have the keys to my new house in my possession. I will be moving out next weekend. 

I can’t get excited about it. I want to, dearly, but I can’t. I am leaving my marriage, my husband of three years whom I thought I would be spending the rest of my life with, hoped I would be spending the rest of my life with. I want to be married and I wanted to be married to him. It’s not like I have suddenly got bored of him or outgrown him or any of the usual relationship-breaking reasons. Our relationship is too broken to ever be repaired. There is too much hurt, physical and otherwise, for me to ever be able to trust him again or believe in him. I am too wary to let him anywhere near me, let alone love me. He is only ever bearable when he thinks he is losing me. I have to live in a permanent state of imminent departure to stop myself being abused. I can’t do that. I will not do that. That is not what I signed up for. I want to be ‘in’ a relationship not permanently teetering on the periphery. 

So, now I am embarking on this new phase in my life and it is one that I choose resignedly rather than out of optimism. Even though it is my choice it is almost as if it has been foisted on me rather than rewarded. And yet I say that at the same time as acknowledging the synergies that have come to play so that I can begin to live again, to heal and to mourn; the woman who was in my shoes twenty years ago who owns the house I am moving to and who took pity on me even though I cannot ‘guarantee’ to pay the rent for a while. Then today, when I needed five more days to get enough money together for the deposit, and I ran out of cheques in the estate agent’s office and they said “don’t worry. We can wait until you get your new cheque book”. Then, the call to my brother asking if he knew where I could get hold of removal boxes to pack my stuff and he said “oh, we’ve got loads in our garage. You can borrow them”. It seems the angels have conspired to make this happen. I guess I just need to allow it to unfold and perhaps one day, soon, the joy will begin to emerge. 

I cried hopelessly this morning. Didn’t sleep last night at all, worrying “am I doing the right thing or am I just setting myself up for an even bigger fall?” 

I have made my choice now and I will make the best of this. I will make it work – come hell of high-water and one day soon this will all be a distant nightmare.