When it quietens down it is easy to forget the abuse, to think that perhaps it has never actually been that bad and that perhaps you have overreacted sometimes, that maybe all relationships go through this type of thing and that it’s normal. That’s when you need subtle reminders – and packing up to leave is great for producing little memory jogs. 

Yesterday, for example, I came across a framed photo of me sitting on a bench on the jetty of a gorgeous hotel in Mauritius where we spent our honeymoon. It’s evening and the sun is casting the most beautiful sunset. My smiling face is glowing orange and I look really relaxed, contented, happy. It’s a nice picture, good memories. But then I noticed the shoes that are on my feet; black mules with white embroidered flowers on the front. They were so comfortable. I loved those shoes and had bought them especially for our honeymoon. I remembered what happened to them. 

A few months after the honeymoon, one time when my husband was being particularly abusive and cruel, he pissed on them. Worse still, I was wearing them at the time. They ended up in the trash after that – along with our marriage! 

The great thing about finding the picture though was how it reminded me of what this is about: I am leaving that sh1t because I deserve better.

Not content with abusing me, my husband has now turned his attentions to other members of my family, specifically my father who is elderly and not in the best of health. He is aware of our situation but I have kept quite a bit from him as he lives a long way away and I do not want him to worry. So, my husband persuades his father to arrange a little social visit – just the two of them, two father’s together chatting about life over a pint and celebrating his (my father-in-law’s) recent birthday. Oh yes, says my Dad in all innocence, not wishing to offend (the two have always had a convivial relationship) but wondering why he wants to drive over 500 miles for a social visit when he’s never been interested at any other time in our three-year marriage! The reason became very clear the minute his car pulled up on the driveway – my husband was at the wheel. It was actually his car that they had travelled up in. 

Whilst there my husband tried his best to convince my old man that his daughter is actually the most cruel, abusive and violent person and that it is me who has put him through absolute hell and he is the innocent victim. He came up with all sorts of stuff. Apparently, I pushed him to the floor once, pinned him down with my knee in his chest and punched him in the head several times!! I attacked him with a broken glass and tried to slash his face. There were dozens of other such fabrications. Dad didn’t go into too many details because he said it was when my husband starting speaking about these things that he realised it was all just fantasy. He said my daughter has never shown any violence towards anyone in her life so why should I believe what you are telling me? And besides, if she really is all that bad why don’t you leave her? Apparently, his answer was that he loves me so much that he is willing to put up with it!!!! Amazing!!!!!!

My husband kept his little visit secret from me but when I spoke to my Dad yesterday he said did you know they’d been up to see me? 

As you can imagine, I was really angry when I found out firstly that he had bullied his own father into being party to his mission of harassment and secondly because he’d been to see my ailing old man behind my back to say nothing of the lies and accusations!! Initially I decided not to say anything to my husband but my feelings got the better of me and I confronted him. I told him how upset I was which he laughed at and I asked him to leave my friends and family alone and his response was – I will contact them if I want. Anyway, what are you afraid of? Are you afraid they will tell me something about you you don’t want me to know? 

This morning I called the Police. They said it was harassment and wanted to arrest him right away. I asked them not to, for now, as I am still inconspicuously packing my things and have not quite got everything over to the new house but I guess the real truth is I am trying to avoid a scene. I want to leave quietly not with a blaze of Police cars all over the place but I am actually wondering if that will be possible. I guess, also, I am still doing my usual habit of protecting the ba****d and giving him ‘just one more chance’. One more chance to what? Intimidate me? Abuse me? Kill me?