I’ve started writing letters to people. I probably wont send any of them but it’s stuff that needs to be said, stuff I need to get ‘out’. I’ve written to the girl who came to work for us for a while and ended up being abused by him too. I’ve written to the Priest who married us and has made it clear to me in no uncertain terms since then who’s side he is on (and it is not mine!). I’ve written to my father-in-law, mother-in-law and his brother and his wife. I’ve written to her parents; beautiful, gorgeous, sweet people who, despite there being a language barrier between us, understood exactly what I was going through and offered love, warmth and caring.

I’m sure there will be others but that is as far as I have got right now and it is making me feel better, stronger. I will probably send the one to the girl who worked for us but that’s it. I will perform some kind of ritual with the others I guess just to get clean with myself. A good, clean, cathartic out-pouring. I’d recommend it – particular if you are NOT going to send them. You can say anything you like.

This is so confusing. Okay, so I’m glad I’ve left but my feelings are all over the place. One minute I’m lying on the couch in my new house, looking around at all my things and feeling all cosy and tranquil and the next I am down and depressed feeling like life has got the better of me! I guess it’s normal, after what I have been through, but sometimes my mind wanders to negative thoughts and “if onlys”. I’m trying to be positive but it is difficult. I also still feel quite lonely and isolated. I’m not meeting new people in my new place and that scares me (the fact that I am not meeting them and the prospect of having to get out there and meet them!). My health is not great right now either. I have Asthma and it has been playing up these last couple of weeks (the stress I guess) and I am feeling tired and lethargic. I used to walk miles with the dog but it all seems too much right now. I’m slowly, gradually starting to sleep better and I like the fact that I can wake up at 2am and go get a book to read from the shelf without having to creep into the spare room for fear of waking him.

There is still stuff to sort out between us and I guess that is making me a little unsettled. I am hoping that one day, in the future, I will wake up and this will all be a distant memory and I will feel happy, settled and content.