A wise friend explained to me that being in an abusive relationship is tantamount to being in captivity and the longer you are in there the more difficult you may find it to adjust to freedom. 

I can identify with what she says. Mostly I feel euphoric about being in charge of my own life again but then sometimes I’ll have moments (like I did today) when it all begins to feel a bit too scary and overwhelming and I even (crazy as it sounds) started to miss him! At least prison (even thought it strips you of your dignity and human rights) is safe. But that’s the crazy thing! Being in an abusive relationship is NOT safe! Far from it! I have the Police and hospital records to prove how unsafe it really is. So why, then, do I get these pangs? 

Much to my relief they are fleeting; one second and it’s gone as I remember the cold reality of his bullying, coersion, manipulation, lies, blackmail, beatings, humiliation and…………………….the list goes on and on.

They treated me like an animal (him and his family) that they were trying to control, tame, passify, subdue. Sometimes I felt like a wild horse that had been tethered. They were scared of me alright. I know his father was (and still is) because I kept some of it back and I guess became something of an enigma to him. I escaped as well so that too makes me unfathomable. 

Right now I don’t know who I hate the most him, his father or his mother!

It got to where he used to accuse me of not trusting him and said that was the most hurtful thing a woman could do to a man. 

Truth is I couldn’t have trusted him anymore at first than I did. Call me old-fashioned but I have quite traditional values where marriage is concerned and I was happy for him to ‘take charge’ of the finances and big decisions. Of course, I expected to be consulted, listened to and respected but I was happy for him to take the final decision. In return for this I also expected him to be ‘accountable’. I thought that by wanting to take charge he knew what he was doing and he would instinctively do the right thing. HOW WRONG I WAS!!

You see, for him it was never about obtaining my trust, doing the right thing, taking charge and being accountable. It was only about one thing and one thing only – control! And with that as his one and only motive why would he need to be all those other things? 

Yeah, I let him drive the bus at first but it was when I watched helplessly as he steered it towards a cliff edge that I wrestled the controls back out of his hands again. 

And he says I don’t trust him! Damn right!

I saw my mother-in-law yesterday. I was in a store and as I turned to walk out – there she was! Right in front of me, walking in! She was all distant and cold (but then again, I reminded myself that she has always been that way). I tried to dodge past her but I was too late. I could see she had seen me. She just stood there, not saying anything expecting me to say “Hi!” and then she would get satisfaction out of freezing me out or patronizing me or some other insult. At first I panicked. Couldn’t get out of there quick enough even though I had not finished browsing. Then as I got outside and started walking towards my car I thought “hang on a second! It is not me who has done anything bad here (except left her abusive son). In fact, IT IS ME WHO SHOULD BE ANGRY AND DEMANDING AN APOLOGY FROM HER!” 

So, I went back in. Held my head high and carried on browsing. She walked away all embarrassed and pretended she had not seen me.

It’s hard; letting go of the notion that he can still get to me and accepting that everything is okay and maybe – just maybe – it’ll stay that way. It’s like I have been conditioned, for the past three years, to expect the abuse and now it’s hard to let go of that expectation and allow myself to just be. I’m walking round wearing this suit of armour, just in case. No wonder it feels heavy. 

My mind keeps wandering off to thoughts of him; what is he doing? what is he thinking and planning? what will he do next? But that’s the abuse isn’t it. That’s what he wants, to be constantly in my thoughts so that I drive myself crazy not knowing when he might show up or what he might be planning next. He’s spent the last three years perfecting his casting technique and now he’s got me hooked. I’m on the line and he could reel me in at any moment. 

So, I am trying to fill my time with anything other than him. Trying to get out of the house everyday even if it is just to go the shop because it gives me a distraction. I’m getting back in touch with friends I have not seen since before I was married, making a plan for my business, calling family. Anything that is nothing to do with him.

Each day I wake up feeling a little better than the day before, a little less scared, a little clearer in my head. About him. Who he is. What he does and why he does it. About me. Who I am and why I shouldn’t apologise for being so. 

As each hour passes whereupon I have no contact with him, the distance lengthens between us and his ’swipes’ can no longer reach me. He’s too far away. He’s still trying. I can see him in my mind; flailing and spitting venom but he’s on a train and it’s leaving the station, getting further and further away, faster and faster. 

My Dad said to me at the weekend: “But what about this…..and what about that….Have you sorted out the business with him and what if he……” And I found myself saying: “Dad, you know what, that man has occupied every grain of space in my head for the past four years. I’m just gonna think about me for a change and see how it goes.” I’m guessing that if there is something I MUST attend to, it’ll come and I’ll attend to it. 

But for now, it’s just nice to have my life again. To be out of prison.

I’m feeling great right now. On top of the world! I am getting ever nearer to completely severing myself from my husband. We have an agreement (which I am hoping we can make legal next week) that will separate out the businesses. I have been smart and given him a solution that he couldn’t possibly refuse; he gets to keep ALL of the assets in exchange for taking on all of the liabilities. Can’t say fairer than that! He knows that if I sue for divorce I could force him to sell everything and would most likely be awarded a substantial settlement but it has never been about money for me. All it want it my life back. 

Of course, he is still abusing me. Constantly. This week, for example, on Monday our internet went down and it turns out it is because he has not paid our service provider. Internet it crucial for our business and so it has hurt – not so much me but him. That set him off. He acted like a petulant child on Tuesday. Pretended he was dumb and wouldn’t speak to me. I tried several times to sort it out but he refused to co-operate. In the end, I left him to it. I decided to work from home (my new home, away from him) because I can and I had deadlines this week. So, I went to collect some files, paperwork and my computer (which I paid for with my own money) from the office. Teatime, I get a call from my Dad saying his father has been on the phone accusing me of stealing property from the business (this is a business of which I am a 50% shareholder!!) and demanding that my Dad makes me return the computer!! 

You see, this is how they do it. Abusers. They recruit people into their campaign and suddenly those people find themselves abusing people too. This is my father-in-law (FIL). Now, I don’t know whether he is also a psychotic abuser and my husband has learned it from him or whether it is the other way around. No matter, they are both in on it. I was really annoyed and upset, primarily because the whole incident and phone call really upset my Dad and secondly because they almost managed to get him on side too. Now please don’t go thinking that my Dad is a weak-minded individual who does not support his daughter. You must understand how devious, manipulative and sly these people are. My husband and his family are spouting off to everyone who will listen just what a horrible person I am and all the terrible things I have done to their son whereas I am telling those closest to me and no-one else. Not even my Dad! He is an old man and not in the best of health. He lives hundreds of miles away. I keep him up-to-date but I do not tell him everything because I do not want him to worry. They on the other hand could not care less about his health. Their only concern is playing with his mind so that he will try and persuade me to do it their way. What if the pressure killed him!!? What would they do then? How would they feel? I think I know the answer. They would have no remorse but instead blame it all on me just like they are doing anyway. 

I could have been really upset when my Dad said to me that he was in two minds about it, wondering if perhaps I hadn’t been a little unfair and that in fact perhaps I was better off staying with my husband. I could have screamed at him: “BUT YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND! HE BEATS ME! TRIES TO RAPE ME! HAS TOLD LIES ABOUT ME AND TRIED TO SLANDER ME. HE IS NOW TRYING TO RUIN ME!” There is little point in having a go at my Dad because that would be feeding right into their hands. They want us to fall out. They want an allay in him. I am NOT going to fall out with my Dad. I love him and he doesn’t understand. If he knew the full story, if he really knew everything he would be blazing a trail to their door with a shot-gun. But he doesn’t and he isn’t and I am happy with that. I am capable of fighting my own battles. And I will win! 

I have spent a lot of time away from my husband for the first time this week and the more time apart a we are the better I feel. I am seeing him in a different light; how weak and desperate he is. How weak and desperate they both are. I am seeing his only motivation is that of control. Everything he does – both good and bad – is designed to control me. I am starting to recoil when he gives me a friendly peck on the cheek. I am beginning to realise I NEED to be away from him more and more. My life is beginning to work again. I am getting back in touch with old friends, keeping the house clean, walking the dog twice a day, doing creative stuff everyday, listening to music – my music! I just know I am nearing the end. The permanent sense of dread I had is lessening and soon it will be gone. I am beginning to feel attractive again and notice when men are admiring me. I am less serious and more light-hearted. I am kinder, friendlier and more relaxed. I am me again! 

I know he has other stunts up his sleeve that he will try and play but I wont be drawn in. I wont be scared of him anymore. He is not that big or strong or clever.

I’ve been putting off informing everyone of my new contact details but I didn’t realise that’s what I was doing until I started doing it. Not because someone might deliberately or inadvertently give them to my ex (although that is a concern) but because I have had to tell them why I have moved. To acquaintances, I have said: “my husband and I have separated,” but I have not gone into detail about why (like, I was scared for my life most of the time so I left him). To close friends (who are aware of what has been going on) I have said: “I’ve done it! I’ve left – yippee!!” and to others I have said something that kind of falls in the middle. I have deliberately steered away from mud slinging, which is neither helpful nor useful. 

Some of the responses I have got have made me feel uneasy and I don’t know why. Most of my close friends have said: “Good for you. I think you have been incredibly brave and you have done the right thing.” But acquaintances have said things like: “Gosh! you are the last couple we saw that happening to!” and “Are you sure you’ve done the right thing?” or worse: “I feel sure you will get back together soon.”

There are some people who have known both of us for most of our married lives who appear not to be taking sides but who show obvious judgement and that bothers me. I have deliberately steered away from public outpourings, filling them in on all the horrid things that have been done to me. Instead, I have reservedly told them that we have had problems, some I have given a little more detail than that but not everything. The thing is I have a very well developed sense for people. I know instinctively whom I can trust and how far I can go with each person and for the most part I stick to it. And it works. I don’t get involved in tittle-tattle or gossip. I don’t talk about people behind their backs and generally don’t say anything I would not be happy saying to their face. So then when people so obviously judge me (and I can just tell that they are by what they say and the way they look at me) it upsets me. It makes me think that they don’t believe me, that they think I have made all this up, that they think I am a victim and can’t sort my life out. That they think I have lied. And that hurts. Having been through what I have been through to have someone say: “You’ve been incredibly brave and strong. Well done for leaving him and getting your life back.” means a lot, a hell of a lot! Perhaps some of these people have never experienced anything other than petty arguments about who’s turn it is to wash up! Perhaps they cannot believe that things like domestic violence actually do happen outside of movieland! Perhaps they think that they themselves are not nearly strong enough to cope with anything half as much as what I have and that therefore it cannot be real. It could be any one of a number of things or a combination thereof but whatever it is, it is not helpful. 

They do say that it is at times like this that you really do find out who your true friends are. Perhaps in the grand scheme of things it is all part of the same process. It is offering me a choice to either be swayed, upset or influenced by other people’s opinions or to stand tall and strong knowing that only I know the truth and only I can make the right decision for myself and set boundaries that communicate to the world what is okay and not okay for me. The next few weeks will be interesting I guess.

I went into work today, having spent a very productive day yesterday whilst my husband was out. I always get more done when he’s not there. Sure enough, I was not in long before the drama started. If there is one thing I have learned about my husband and his family it is that they are addicted to drama. I don’t know if that is just them or if it is characteristic of abusers but it seems they are never more happy than when in their element fighting fires or dramas – most of which they themselves have created! 

Anyway, today more or less the first thing my husband said to me was “Now then, I do not wish to kick you out but can you please not be here this afternoon because I have a strategically important meeting with [names] and you cannot be here.”

Firstly, let me preview this with a bit of factual information: the people with which he said he had the strategic meeting are people to whom we owe money. Understandably, they want it back and we have already slipped several deadlines because of my husband’s mismanagement of our finances (i.e. it was more important to him to spend several thousands on new furniture for the office that we did not need and will not need for quite some time than it was to pay our existing bills). Anyway, these people have been very patient with us so far but are (again understandably) getting a little tetchy. My husband does not want me at the meeting because he has been feeding them a cock-and-bull story and wants to continue to do so. He has also, probably, been telling them a load of crap about me; how I have been stealing money from the company and that is why we cannot pay them back etc. 

So, I said that I thought i should be at the meeting to which he responded in his usual way by getting really tense and agitated like he used to just before he abused me. His breathing became really shallow and his eyes got all fidgety and scared-looking. I thought “O oh, here we go!” Instead of abusing me, however, he got up and left the room. I thought for a minute about what I would do. Clearly, if I told him I was going to attend the meeting he would do something; abuse me or leave or something equally controlling or spiteful. I thought well, I guess I can just not go and see what happens. After all, he tells me he is sorting it all out and I have little option but to believe him so I might as well go along with him. I was feeling really scared. I didn’t know what he would do to me or if he would be okay and then kick off in our meeting but then i thought if I don’t go he will say stuff about me and make out that this is all my fault or worse he will screw up with these people so that they end up taking us to court.

Then, I just got it! Firstly, this is my place of work, currently, and he has no right to kick me out just because he wants a clear run to carry on his campaign of domination and manipulation. Secondly, he is not actually that scary anymore – what is he gonna do in front of these people? Beat me up? Well, great! At least i will have witnesses. But mostly I thought God damn it! This is as much my issue as his and I ought to be there and god damn it again I will if I want to – despite him! I decided not to tell him I was going to attend the meeting but just to say that i would stay out of the way and then when the guys turned up i would just swan in. They wouldn’t mind, I knew that. He would be incredibly pissed but who cares!!!

So, I waited until i heard them arrive and go into the meeting room. I strolled downstairs, knocked on the door and walked in. They guys were really welcoming and friendly. He was pissed, I could tell. But never-the-less I sat there, made my points, asked the questions i needed to ask and was firm but friendly. Once the meeting was over and it ended on a good note I went back upstairs and continued working. He came up a bit later on and said “I’m glad you decided to be brave and come to the meeting. I was only protecting you by suggested that you didn’t come but you did well. Well done!” I looked him directly in the face and said thanks but i was realy thinking – who the hell are you trying to kid?

This is a weird time. Today, I was talking with my ex-husband, at work, about going on a cruise together in January next year. He brought it up. Said it would be great for our marriage – just what we need, a holiday! He’s got a job on the ship and they are paying for ‘his wife’ to go too (he has always referred to me as “wife”. He hardly ever calls me by my name). Then he starts banging on about how sorry he is for all the hurts of the past few years and how he acknowledges that he got it wrong on so many levels but he is glad that we both have our ’space’ now so that we can heal and then – who knows – maybe get back together in the future sometime. 

My Dad told me two years ago that if I ever left [my husband] that I would find it hard to shake him off.  

But there is that part of me that doesn’t want to shake him off just yet. I recognise it and it is both good and bad. It’s the same part that (as a target of domestic abuse) doesn’t let you leave because you know that if you do the situation will become unbearable. So, you stay and put up with it. That’s what I am doing right now. Yes, I have at least got myself into a safer situation, I am not living with him but as far as he is concerned we are still married, still together (very much so), and I am going along with it because whilst we sort out the financial and business situation it is better to do it that way. Let him think what he likes as long as I keep myself in a safe situation whilst we sort it all out and then one day……….. One day, I will be firm with him and I will say “we are no longer together”. “I have left you.” “I am getting on with my life without you and you need to get on with yours.” 

The awful thing about this though for me is the duality of it. Actually knowing deep inside that I have left him and I am never going back and there is no chance for a reconciliation – not even a tiny spec of a chance and yet I am ‘going along with his fantasy’ that we are still married but just having some space. It is almost like I am agreeing with him except I am not because I don’t nod my head or say “uh huh!” or give any signal that what he is saying rings true for me but he thinks I am because what I do is stay quiet. Like when he says “I love you” and I just say “thanks” not “I love you too”. Most normal people would be upset by that but not abusers. Not them. He doesn’t need my agreement, acknowledgement, compliance. That has never been an issue. it doesn’t matter even because all that matters is what he says, what he thinks, what he wants. That’s how it has always been and probably always will be. Because for him it is about control. Pure and simple. He doesn’t even love me because if he did he would be upset that I do not say I love you when he says it to me.