I’m mourning the passing of my own innocence. I used to watch programmes like Crime Watch (a programme that covers real crimes and asks the public with information to get in touch) and take in the profiles of the criminals, which are often mean, bitter, aggressive, dangerous, manipulative, regardless and not really be ‘touched’ by them. I’d feel bad for the victims, sure, but those characters were like fictional, characters-in-a-movie to me. I didn’t know people like that. Sure, I may have unfortunately stumbled upon one or two similar characters at some point, but lucky for me, it was a fleeting moment. Until my marriage, of course, when I unwittingly started to share my life with one and over time became increasingly more trapped in his toxic dungeon of lies, abuse, aggression, bitterness and pain. 

Now those characters are very real. My experience has robbed me of my innocence of the horror of having them violate my life – over and over. When I watch Crime Watch now it’s like whatever they have done, whatever crime they have committed, they have done to me too. I know who they are. They are no longer strangers and I am no longer naive to the hurt and trauma of having them invade your life. I wish they were still fictional.

I’ve been giving this some thought over the past few weeks and have managed to develop a completely different perspective. 

In my abusive marriage, it felt like I had no power. I was powerless much of the time. That’s how it felt. Much of the time I gave my power away to him, unwittingly of course, when he abused me and I fought back. I got angry – a lot! I yelled and screamed – a lot! I lashed out – a lot! I balled – a lot! None of it was conscious. It was a ‘reaction’ to him, to the abuse, to his accusations, meanness, blame. But if there was any subconscious to it, it was that I hoped it would stop the abuse – frighten him into silence perhaps or just shock him into shutting up. But it never did. Instead, he turned it right back on me again – look at you! He’d say, staring me right in the face you can’t control yourself. It was at that point, during one of our fights, that I realised that it was all just part of his game and that I was indeed handing my power and any semblance of dignity I had to him, on a plate. 

And now I am no longer with him, sometimes I get down thinking about it all and the fact that he is still trying to control me by telling everyone I still work for him and muscling in on our old friends and demanding the dog but I’ve realised that it is actually me who has the power in this relationship because I have what he really wants, really really wants and cannot have and that is me and the dog. Whereas before my realisation I was willing to maintain a small amount of access and meetings, I am no longer. He will never see either of us again – ever! Why? Because I say so!

I’ve been feeling down and angry about my situation, particularly because my abuser husband appears to be drifting through life totally effortlessly, surrounded by sycophants who worship him and obey his every command and here I am having to clean up yet more of his mess day after day. It just doesn’t seem fair. 

In talking to a friend today, who has also come through an abusive relationship in the past, I realised that what I am looking for, what I want is revenge. I want to feel justified that he has got his ‘come uppance’ and that he is paying the price for being the way he is. She helped me to see that it is perfectly natural I should feel this way. However, she also helped me see how much effort and energy I am wasting on that which I cannot control and how I can and should change to focus on those areas of my life that I do have control over like my new business, my new home, the dog, new friendships and social aspects, new hopes and aspirations and so on. 

She’s right, of course, I can see that. I also recognise that that is what is making me feel bad, the fact that I am allowing myself to be controlled by those thoughts instead of being in control of my life – that’s what’s making me feel bad not that he has done this to me. Yes, that made me feel bad but I have won that one because I took myself away, me and the dog, I took us from him and that’s the best revenge ever!

……you fill me with hope for the future, hope for humanity, hope for equality, hope for love.

I’m not doing so good right now. I was so desperate yesterday I phoned a counselling service. I had to talk to someone and I needed to talk to someone without an agenda. She was great – just what I needed. I am not suicidal or anything it’s just that I am frustrated having to deal with getting my ex out of my life and very few people really understand what’s like to have to do that when the other person is a psychotic abuser. People give you standard answers and the usual advice, which in most circumstances would work but not in my case. I got so frustrated because here I am trying only to get my life back so I can live in peace and get on and I can’t because of decisions he has made and actions he has taken that I was not party to and – yet again – I am left to clean up the mess whilst he is on a Cruise in the Caribbean!

I had a meeting with a web designer on Tuesday. I need a website to promote my business and have been waiting for my ex to take down and delete the existing one, which uses my name and likeness and claims I still work for his company! Well, I decided to wait no longer. I know this guy, he has done work for me in the past. He knows about the situation between my husband and I (in so far as we have separated and are in dispute over the business – he doesn’t know about the abuse). Anyway, he takes me for lunch, nice. I’m sitting there telling him all about my ideas for the business and suddenly he pipes up that he is thinking about doing some work for my husband! Jees! Why the hell didn’t he tell me before I wasted my time meeting up with him!!!! He can’t see the problem himself – well you’re two separate businesses he says. Yeah! two separate businesses competing with each other and in conflict with each other!! Well, it is your decision he says. No, I say, it is yours; you either work for me or him. If (name) asked me to do work for him in the future, he says, I would and you shouldn’t be telling me who I should and shouldn’t work for. Are you working for him now? I ask. If (name) asked me to do work for him in the future, he repeats, I would and you shouldn’t be telling me who I should and shouldn’t work for. I say no, you are not getting it – are you working for him right at this very moment in time? Again, the same answer – more deflection than an effing politician. Eventually, he knows I have him cornered and am seeing through his lies. I could not get away quick enough. I was furious. I know he is  desperate for work right now and maybe that got in the way of him making the right decision but I fear that he has been ‘got’ by the charmer who is my psychotic abuser who will have said oh, yes, TW and I are getting back together soon so everything is fine. She just needed some space, can’t cope with the stress of an expanding business, you know how women are. 

I told this guy firmly, but calmly, I felt betrayed and let down and that I will never give him any work ever again. I also said I hope the work he gets from my ex will compensate for that. My final comment was he will show you his true colours one day and I hope for you it isn’t anytime soon. 

It feels to me like my ex has a lot of people closing ranks around him. Particularly those involved with us on a business level. You see, he will have taken them by the arm, manoeuvred them away from the obvious truth by feeding them stories like the one above about me not being able to cope with work stress and needing space and will have made them believe that it is me who is at fault and they will have believed him because 1) I have said nothing to them to counteract that because I am ethical and dignified and keep personal things to myself. I could write to them all, telling them he has a conviction for assault and battery against me but I haven’t and I wont and he knows that. Secondly, I’m a woman and they are all men and – like it or not gentlemen (if there are any of you reading this) we still live in a patriarchal business world in which it is comforting to hear that women cannot cope. 

It also feels like I am never going to shake him off and that’s so unfair. I have told him until I am blue in the face just get out of my life and leave me alone and he just wont do it. He is finding every excuse he can that, in any other rational situation, would be justified (like he should be allowed to have the dog occasionally, there is some post for me at home, he needs a lift somewhere) to stay in contact with me. I am going to court tomorrow to try and get a non-molestation order. It means another day away from work, having to do something that really ought to be unnecessary because he is a controlling, mean-spirited, nasty man. Why is it always the victim who is put out!?

It really feels, just now, like there really is no justice in the world. Next month I will have to start divorce proceedings – God knows how much that is going to cost me! I would have done it sooner but I couldn’t afford to pay the £300 petition fee! Again, it is me who is suffering because he will not co-operate. If another person will not cooperate – they should effing well be made to suffer not the other way around. I have so far cooperated with everything he needed me to cooperate with. But you know what, I am not going to anymore. No more dog for you Mr. You want to see doggie, you do as I say for a change!

So, I am not in a good space right now. But I WILL come through. But, actually, despite the exhausting emotional upset, I am quite pleased with how I am dealing with it.

I watched a TV progamme last night about real crimes. It was about a 22-year-old girl who was shot dead in Harvey Nichols in London (one of the capital’s premier department stores where she worked as a beauty consultant) by her ex boyfriend who had worked in the same store as a security guard. They had been dating for three weeks when she dumped him because he was displaying the classic signs of being too full-on. He stalked her for months before finally being arrested and prosecuted for stalking and harassment. His hearing was adjourned and he was given bail, even though he displayed the classic signs of being a danger to her and other people. Two weeks later, he entered the store on a busy day, shot her in the back of the head and then three times in the face as she lay dying, and then turned the gun on himself. Metropolitan Police said that no-one could have predicted the girl’s boyfriend would kill her – even though he had threatened to several times!

The most striking aspect of the programme to me was that it focussed on stalking and harassment and made references to the perpetrator as ’stalker’. What was clear to me was that he was more than that – he demonstrated the classic signs of being a domestic abuser and I suspect that if their relationship had continued longer than three weeks, he would have proved me right. The reason I point this out is that my fear is that these people are not being given harsh enough treatment and taken out of society and away from the victim because they are being labelled as much less than they actually are. We have come a long way in recent decades in terms of how we deal with stalking and harassment. A lot of people, particularly victims or targets of stalking have done a great deal to highlight and table debate about the issues so that now we have clearer understanding of what they are and what can be done about them. Tt seems to me we have some way to go with domestic violence and abuse. That said, it has already started. There are many people doing some great work in that area (click on the links on this website to see some of them). 

Amongst other things, an enquiry into the Harvey Nicks killing said the Police were not to blame but it also highlighted many areas where current thinking, assessment  of cases and the way they are dealt with are severely lacking. 

In my own experience, the Police were extremely helpful and I have no doubt that if it had or were to escalate to that level of danger I could rely on them for protection. But only to a degree. and that’s the same for everyone. Very few of us are privileged enough to have round-the-clock bodyguard protection and without that dealing with abusers is only effective to a point. My abuser was, and is, very shrewd, smart, convincing. To most people he can appear completely harmless; a charmer. But therein lies the rub because many abusers are the same and that’s how they have got away with it for years because people have believed them – including the authorities and their partners – when they have said “I’m not stalking you, I just love you so much I want to be near you. How can that be wrong?”

Couples break up all the time and usually one or other of the partners doesn’t want it to end and tries to convince the other to resume the relationship – even resorting to stalking and harassment tactics. But usually in these cases it is unwitting and they only do it for a couple of weeks or more and eventually stop and move on. On some occasions, the one who’s been dumped doesn’t try to get back with the partner but becomes abusive because they are angry and upset but, again, it usually only lasts for a short period. 

Perpetrators of domestic abuse are not like that. Their whole existence is centred on control, manipulation and abuse and they will keep doing it for as long as a) they have a victim/target in their sights b) they appear (to them) to be getting away with it and c) they are free to move around and follow their victim whenever and wherever they please. There is a vast difference between a one-off, where a person who has gone out, got drunk and sent his ex girlfriend 20 text messages of love and adoration in one night, or smashed up the model Ferrari she bought him for his birthday and someone who is a perpetrator of harassment and abuse. Yes, the first should be shown that his actions where wrong and be made to pay for them, which may involve ‘a talking to’ by the authorities but that sort of lenience will not work with abusers. 

My partner is still trying to manipulate me into resuming our marriage and there is little I can do about it other than not responding to his communication, not allowing him access to me and giving him clear messages (although with abusers that last one seems impossible because unless they are words they want to hear you might as well talk to a wall!!). Unfortunately, in my case, we are still married and although I am taking steps to change that it is a fact that there are certain times I have to initiate contact with him which for me is purely practical but for him is encouragement. 

Domestic abuse is on the rise and if we are to stamp it out we need far more immediate and harsh treatment of perpetrators plus rehabilitation – but only if it’s the right sort, the sort that works (read Why Does He Do That?). I think everyone who has been arrested for any category of violence and/or abuse should be immediately psychologically assessed by experts, not just psychologists but specialists in the area of domestic violence. They should then advise the Police on bail conditions and should even be given statutory powers to set bail conditions. I know this is wishful thinking and it will probably never happen but it seems to me that currently abusers are being ‘enabled’ to get away with it and escalate their treatment to unthinkable heights.

Nothing to do with the current conflict in the Middle East (hence the spelling with two zeds). I’ve just been watching a programme on TV Surviving Gazza about a famous footballer who is no longer a famous footballer and has turned to drink to numb the fact that he no longer has anything to be famous for except (allegedly) being an abusive shallow thug.

The programme actually was focused more on his family – wife and kids – whom he abuses even when hundreds of miles away on foreign shores. It tenderly and sympathetically highlighted the central issue which is that perpetrators (ex-footballers in this case) rely on those around them who inevitably are strong and able to take responsibility for them, their lives and the abuse. It also clearly showed why they have no intention of changing. Think about it – why would they? Here are all these people who love them and feel responsible for them devoting every waking moment to pandering to the perpetrator, making sure he or she has everything they need, which is control over them (the targets/victims) that then makes them feel good. Like vampires, they feed off it as it it were pure blood. In this instance the family (with the help of a brilliant and experienced specialist) realised it is not their responsibility to fix this guy and gave up trying. It was an extremely soul-searching, brave and courageous thing to do.

What touched me most was how the abuse affected the family dynamic. Mum was trying to hold it all together and fix Dad because that’s what the kids wanted – she’s mum and she fixes things so she can fix this – please! She went to the psychiatrist first, heard for the first time in her life someone say “It’s not your job. You don’t have to do this” and came back and said to the kids “that’s it, I’m not doing this anymore” only to be confronted by their wroth “but mum, you’ve got to”. Thankfully, she stayed strong, steadfast and supported them in doing whatever it was they needed to do (which in this instance entailed flying out to Portugal where he was on an alcoholic bender and confronting him with an ultimatum – sober up or you wont see us again). He didn’t and indeed showed his true colours once again in an abusive tantrum and so, sad though it was, they have all been able to move on with their lives and in time have come to realise that it is a whole lot better without him. Interestingly, it was the youngest son who had figured that out long ago. He actually said in the programme “I liked life better the way it was without him”. Good for him! How insightful for one so young.

It made me think about my own situation and how different my own life is since I left my husband in August last year. I went through a gamut of emotions in the first couple of months, I was relieved, sad, lonely, joyful, laughing, crying and sometimes all at the same time. Initially, I thought everyday about how much better my life was without him in it. Over time, the frequency of those thoughts lessened but I still remember. In a way, I hope I will always remember how bad it was and that although I pray for a full recover, I do not want to travel too far from the remembrance because if I do I may forget how good life is now and I don’t want to do that. In a way, it is good for me to keep revisiting the place of my imprisonment (like watching tonight’s programme) because, like Holocaust victims revisiting Auchwizt, it makes me appreciate not being there and gives me a whole new perspective on it, one I can only have as a free human being and not as a prisoner in domestic abuse.

A news story on TV yesterday reported that January is the time when incidents of domestic violence escalate. Tensions mount after the holidays when families have spent more time together in close proximity and little to distract them from their ‘issues’. This year, because of the credit crunch, authorities are expecting worse-than-ever statistics and more and more incidents than are being reported.

So, if you’re in an abusive relationship (either physically or emotionally – or both) how can you protect yourself during these tense times?

Against any rational force you’d be able to arm yourself (literally) with a weapon, which you could then fall back on purely as a defence. You could collect snippets of information that would give you clues as to where that person’s weaknesses may lie which you could also use as a defence against their attack. You could barricade yourself in somewhere so they could not get at you. You could use any widely-accepted defence mechanisms or techniques you liked but with an abuser – you can’t. None of these will work, and in fact, most of them will end up doing you more harm than him/her.

I used force against my abuser to defend myself and ended up accused of abuse myself. I tried to find a weakness that I could exploit as a defence (like you do with kids, you know, where you tell them to stop doing whatever it is that’s unacceptable or otherwise lose a privilege) but that didn’t work either because he was so used to playing the game, he changed tack so many times it was impossible to find anything that mattered. Not only that, but he thought he was untouchable anyway. I tried barricading myself in but I played right into his hands because I then became even more his prisoner.

The only thing that worked in my case was to call the authorities, who then dealt with him as best current legislation allows and put me in touch with people who could help me better understand my situation and prepare to do the only thing that really worked in my case, which was to leave, to get the hell out and go.

But although it was the right thing to do, it wasn’t easy and in fact temporarily put me in even more danger but at least I had the help and support I needed, which I hadn’t had before.

Everyone’s situation is different but if I have learnt anything it is that we are NOT alone. There are people out there willing and able to help. Reaching out takes immense courage and bravery but it is worth it.