I’m in a bad space again. My abusive husband is still in control – so it would seem! He emailed me a few weeks ago, said he’d seen me driving to the office (an office building we both own but which he still works out of because I escaped) and “anything he could help me with to get in touch. Oh, and where do you want me to send your post – you or your solicitor?” 

I didn’t even go to the office on that occasion. I just happened to be driving along the road outside (a public highway) on my way home. I do it often (at least once a week) it just so happens, on this occasion, he saw me. Big fucking deal! Wasn’t doing anything illegal. I answered his email to that effect: that I didn’t go to the office and would he leave my post on the bottom step like always and I would pop by and pick it up (like always). I didn’t pick up the post for weeks. I don’t like going to the office. Too many bad memories so I put it off. I wrote him a few days ago and asked when it would be convenient to pick up my post and he ignored my email. I wrote again. He ignored that one too, so on Friday last I wrote and said “I’m coming to pick up my post this w/e. Leave it on the bottom step.” I didn’t get a reply but then, because he’d ignored the other two, I wasn’t expecting to. 

So, I drive there on Saturday and try to get in using my key and key fob for the Maglock – doesn’t work. The vindictive dick has only gone and locked me out of a building I own 50% of and in which I have stored important documents, papers, work stuff. I felt so foolish. I walked right into his little trap! When will I learn?! I knew he was up to something. I suspected as much but he’s not easy to second guess. I know he is gonna do something but I can just never tell what. I can’t go to the Police, they’ll say it is a civil matter so I have to go to a solicitor or court again, more expense. 

I so hate that man. I felt like reversing my car into the glass doors of the office and I would have (had they not got like megga CCTV strung up all over that fucking business park (like it’s fucking Disney Land or something!!). Of course, he is not allowed to do it. He can’t stop me from having access to a building I own – certainly not without warning first to give me a chance to remove my important paperwork but when has that stopped a serial, psychotic, narcissistic abuser from doing anything? 

I drove away absolutely livid. I drove straight up a one-way street the wrong way (for as long as I have lived here – about 15 years – it has been a two-way street – they changed it last Friday – apparently!!) and this pedantic little shit of a man shouts “Oiy you!” Oiy-fucking-you – like I’m some kind of no-life piece of shit. “This is one-way – did you not see the signs!?” I got out of my car, unfurled myself to my full height (about 5′9″), looked down on the short-arsed, loud-mouthed, breathless little git who by that stage had caught up with me, ran my hand through my glossy hair, shook my head, stared him right in the face, said: “Sooooo-fucking-whaaaat!!!!!!” turned on my heels and casually walked away leaving my car parked and facing the wrong way up a one-way street. It felt sooooooooo good!

I have since realised that my abusive husband is just using this tactic to provoke me – again! He used to do it all the time when I was with him. He couldn’t fight, was pathetic at fighting so he got really adept at provocation so that he would push people to react angrily or out of character so he could then go: “Eeeesh! Look at you! You’re so angry!” and of course he would be cool as cucumber at that point. Well, the thing with the door is just more of the same. He was hoping I would throw a hissy and drive through the doors or send him abusive emails or turn up on his doorstep screaming. But I didn’t. I felt like it but I didn’t. So, in that sense he hasn’t won. I have the upper hand because I still have the one thing he wants more than anything in  the world and can’t have and that’s my life! Yup! IT’S ALL MINE – TWAT FACE (not you, him)!

Let me just take this opportunity to congratulate both the England Women’s Cricket team and England Women’s Rugby squad who, in the same weekend, won world titles: Women’s World Cup and Women’s Six Nations title (respectively). The Women’s cricket team did rather better in the publicity stakes, gaining a modest amount of coverage in the press whereas the Rugby squad hardly got a mention. ‘course it’s only women so it’s not proper sport is it……………….

Meanwhile, how are our boys teams doing? Ah………..hm……….Oh well, never mind, it’s only a game eh!

I have a very dear friend who thinks she is a ‘modern woman’ with modern, liberated views. We went to lunch on Monday and the conversation came round to equality between the sexes (not sure how but that’s irrelevant). She mentioned Germaine Greer (a renowned British feminist) and said how damaging she thought she had been to sex equality: “Well, because of her and others like her,” she said, “Young men are now frightened of women!” 

It was all I could do to restrain myself from screaming at her! I stayed calm and said that I think Germaine Greer is great, which is true, and that if men feel uncomfortable around her then that is their problem. For centuries women have stayed quiet, diminished themselves, their views, opinions and needs, and made themselves appear smaller, less able and talented to make men feel comfortable around them – and it is not women who have made young men feel scared but older men putting it out there that young men ought to be scared of modern, liberated women! 

C’mon guys! You race cars round tracks at 200mph, you fight in wars, you build machines that take people to the moon, you perform brain surgery, you take part in extreme sports, you do all sorts of scary stuff – don’t tell me you’re scared of women! I suspect, however, that it is my friend’s old-fashioned view that is out of sync, not the male populous – least I hope so!

 

Older women

Are women over 40 attractive to men? I’ve been told recently by a woman who runs a dating agency that they seldom get ‘chosen’ as dates – unless they look really, really stunning in their photos. 

Do we really live in such a shallow world? 

Answers on a postcard please……………………..

This is interesting: Initially, Fritzl pleaded not guilty to murdering his child through neglect but he changed his plea at the last minute – and without consultation with his lawyer who then claimed Fritzl had done it after watching the video evidence from his daughter. In a BBC report, lawyer Rudolf Mayer, is quoted as saying: “He was really destroyed by his emotion……………….It was possible for him to feel for the first time the feelings of his daughter.” Fritzl’s lawyer also tried to blame his actions [Fritzl’s] on a damaging childhood and the fact that his mother used to beat and mistreat him.

Nice try but we all know this man has no feelings. How could he and do what he did? I prefer the theory of Professor Jeremy Coid, professor of forensic psychiatry at Queen Mary College, University of London, who is quoted in a separate BBC report as saying:

“This is a man who is very private; and he has to be in control. While Fritzl might like to say he changed his plea after hearing his daughter’s emotional evidence – that for the first time he was able to understand his daughter’s feelings – from what I know of similar offenders, I would be extremely skeptical.

When the trial started, I’m sure Fritzl believed he was going to use his day in court to deny some of the charges and to portray himself as a good father, who was not as bad as people might think.

But, he is obviously socially avoidant and anxious in social situations. In court, he was confronted by the reality of the situation. He was no longer in control – facing the court and the media’s flashbulbs would have been unbearable for him.

We saw him covering his face – this was not just to hide from the media but because it was painful for him to be exposed.

A confession allowed this whole process to stop. We shouldn’t see this as an admission of remorse.

Among incest offenders, Fritzl is down the heavy duty end – a sadist who is intensely perverted.

Offending in the way he did would have made him feel grandiose. Raping his daughter and acting out his perversions would have given him sadistic pleasure.

To me it was interesting that he [acted out his perversions] within his own home. He has previously been convicted of a sexual offence. My hunch is that he wasn’t any good at offending outside the home.

This socially avoidant part of his personality would have caused him to withdraw from the trial.”

I disagree with Coid’s last point. I would say that it was his ingrained sense of having to be in control and be right that made him change his mind and plead guilty – without consulting his lawyer first. By doing so, he put himself firmly in control again – perhaps he didn’t get the outcome he originally wanted (which was to portray himself as a caring father and not a deviant monster) but to abusers the outcome is often a much less important issue than being in control and being right. My husband, for example, was willing to be ‘dead right’; he was not scared of death but absolutely petrified (although he would never admit it) of being controlled and made wrong.

It is also said that he (Fritzl) recognised his daughter in court when she turned up in disguise one day. I would argue that it is not so much that he recognised her but that he recognised an opportunity to use her – one last time – to rebuild his façade, his lie, thus: “See, I am a caring person. I have owned up to my sins and apologised, now the public must see that I am not a monster.” This, as we all know, is a classic tool in the cycle of abuse that abusers use: abuse, apologise, charm, abuse, apologise, charm and so on.

Monsters they may be, but abusers are extremely clever thinkers – like chess players. No matter what the game, nor who the opponent, they will always outsmart – even to the point of destruction.

The sad thing is, I suspect, Fritzl and those like him will keep on abusing – even in prison or psychiatric units. As long as he is alive, he will do so. The only way to stop him doing so is to keep him away, in solitary confinement, from any other living beings (human and animal). I believe he will get the last word – again! I believe he will find a way to take his own life as a final stand in being in consummate control (you read it here first!).

So, Josef Fritzl (the Austrian who imprisoned his daughter in the cellar for 24 years, where he repeatedly raped and abused her and fathered seven children with her) has received a life sentence, which he will serve, largely, in a psychiatric hospital.

For me this case has been particularly sickening: it has been interesting hearing different people’s reactions to what is, I believe, an extreme example of a worldwide problem that people are so keen to sweep under the rug and pretend doesn’t exist. It does exist, it has existed since time immemorial and as we now live a world where it is getting more difficult to hide – this is our opportunity to get it out into the open to be banished – for good! We must stop hiding! We will not do that by closing the door and pretending it doesn’t exist. There will be people out there saying: “Ah, yes but that happened in a sleepy little town somewhere in Europe. It would never happen here.” Believe me, my friend, it does and it is.

In a BBC report, the closing quote from the Mayor of Amstetten (the town in Austria where Fritzl lived and this took place) is: “A dark chapter in the history of our town is now closed.” This suggests to me that the town is keen to not talk about it and shut it away, which whilst I so understand, I think is a real shame. In my view Amstetten should rally together to become “that town that rose up against abuse – you remember? The one where that Fritzl monster lived and where they set up a campaign to highlight abuse so it would never go undetected again.” What a positive, healing message that would be.

The fact that Josef Fritzl ‘got away with it’ for so long, I fear, is a problem exacerbated by our detached and fragmented societies where ‘community’ has been weakened by people moving around, not staying in one place for more than a few years, getting on with their lives and leaving others to get on with theirs – no questions asked.

What is the solution? It’s a difficult one. Coming from a certain part of Europe, I do not want to go back to the ‘curtain twitching’ communities of old where your every move was scrutinised and gossiped about. That would be sad, but if we are to combat the plague of abuse and mistreatment that exists, globally, behind closed doors, we need to claw back some sense of public spiritedness where it becomes okay to take an interest in others – not from the point of view of being able to gossip about them but from the point of view of humanity and respect. We have a responsibility, both individually and as communities, to facilitate this but in a manner that is inclusive and not divisive. It is a big ask – a huge ask – and the basis of any peace programme. Perhaps it is too much to ask but at least we can try.

There are many people on the planet who display what could be described as ‘deviant behaviour’, that is outside of what the populous, as a whole, agrees is ‘normal’. It varies in degree of harmfulness – from that which is only harmful to the ‘doer’ such as extreme sports, for example, to the very serious, such as paedophilia. Many people who are ‘deviants’ operate alone for no other reason than the momentary ‘thrill’ of the activity but some (as we know such as paedophile rings) operate in groups not only for the ‘thrill’ but for financial gain. When operating in groups, it’s harder for the individuals involved to plead innocence by saying they didn’t know it was wrong. The underground way in which the group operates will have made it obvious to anyone that their actions are unacceptable to the outside world and must be kept secret. It is harder also to keep it secret when there is always the possibility that someone in the group may be an impostor (Police investigator, for example) or a vengeful ex-member minded to blow the whistle.

The frightening thing about abusers such as Josef Fritzl (the Austrian who kept his daughter locked in the cellar for 24 years) is that he operated alone. His own wife didn’t even know or suspect anything (so we are told) or his other children. Perhaps they did and they were terrified into silence – we don’t know but certainly no-one outside of the family knew what horrors were being played out right there in their own neighbourhood.

The Fritzl thing was sickening, because of what he did, who he was and the fact that people like him could be living right next door – to any one of us! For me, there were painful echoes of my own abusive situation and it hurt to be reminded of the mentality that my husband characterised – a terrifying, destructive need for power, control and possession – above all else – even one’s own life and the lives of others. Throughout his life, my husband displayed those characteristics. He had very little regard for life – his or others. He was an erratic and unsafe driver and had a penchant for putting himself and others in life-threatening situations. He didn’t care if he lived or died – or if I did. And yet, he had to have ultimate power and control. It was more important to him than anything. He always had the last word in arguments – always – and never backed down. The same is true of Josef Fritzl. Although I was not imprisoned for over twenty years in a cellar like his daughter, my life became like a prison. Upon release I had all the feelings that inmates feel when let out. I believe it was only because of my own husband’s ineptness to ‘get away’ with anything like Fritzl that was my saviour from such a nightmare. I do believe he would have wanted to. I also believe he will have observed this case with great interest and the thought in the back of his mind “Lucky bastard, getting away with that for so long. Wish I could have been that good.”

My husband hated being called a control freak. He hated the thought that he could be ‘found out’. He was most abusive when on the point of being found out.

There are many reasons why women stay with abusive partners. Today, I thought I would focus on one issue, which is the abusive partner’s seeming devotion during peaceful times.

We all want to be loved, and when you find a partner who makes you the centre of their world, tells you, daily, that they love you and makes you feel cherished, it’s hard to question the sincerity of it. I’ve read it here in these pages in comments from women who have come out of abusive relationships and said things like: “Oh, but he made me feel so loved……..”

In my own abusive relationship, my husband told me often that he loved me so much – with the emphasis on the ’so much’ (like as if it really hurt). I’d never felt that kind of devotion before. In the early stages of our relationship he also wanted to spend as much time with me as possible, unlike in other relationships where in the early stages the partner wants to spend time with me but keeps a little bit back for himself because he doesn’t want to ‘commit’ too soon. Sometimes it can feel like rejection, at other times demeaning – and sometimes it’s okay. So, when this man comes along and reacts to me like I’m the most precious and interesting thing in the world, it’s really nice.

The downside to this attention, which reveals itself over time in an abusive relationship, is that it begins to stifle you. The intensity of it.

It’s natural at the beginning of any relationship for one, or other, or both partners to feel ‘besotted’; wanting to spend as much time with the other person and get as close as possible in as short a time as possible. But this infatuation, over time, naturally develops into something else (if the relationship lasts) or diminishes. It does not keep coming and going like it appears to in an abusive relationship whereby it is totally lacking as the cycle of abuse plays out and the tension mounts. Often during this time the abusive partner treats the other with total disdain, then the abuse happens, followed by the apology and then – low-and-behold – he is besotted again!

I would argue that they are not besotted or infatuated and that – even in the early stages of the relationship – they never were (sad as it might seem). I believe instead that abusive partners are not besotted so much as ‘obsessed’. In the dictionary, obsession means the state of being obsessed with someone or something, an idea or thought that continually preoccupies or intrudes a person’s mind.

The dictionary definition of infatuation is to: be inspired with an intense but short-lived passion or admiration for (its Latin origin is ‘to be made foolish’). Although infatuation can be unhealthy in relationships, especially when not reciprocated, it usually fizzles out over time and does not turn into obsession – except when it comes from an abusive or stalker-like person.

The difference, I feel, begins with motivation. The infatuated or besotted person’s motivation is to get to be in a loving, committed relationship with the other person and so they try and be the sort of person they believe that other person would like to be with and do nice things for that other person that makes that other person feel good about them. As soon as the other person makes it clear they are not interested, usually, the attention diminishes or stops because the infatuated or besotted person is no longer motivated. Of course, there are degrees of infatuation and besotted-ness, just as there are degrees of determination and tenacity and some ‘infatuates’ take longer to ‘get the message’ than others but eventually they do. Not so abusers – who NEVER get the message. Their motivation stems from an insatiable need to possess and control the ‘target’ of their attentions. Being liked is not a goal – although is most certainly used as a lure in the early stages. Abusers are like spiders, they are not interested in building a life with their ‘targets’ as they are in building a web to trap them. They are never motivated by love and they never get the message that they or their attentions are not wanted. They are really, really hard to shake off – almost impossible sometimes. Abusers soon become ‘obsessed’ with their targets and that target becomes the ‘idea or thought that continually preoccupies or intrudes their mind’. They do not see their targets as human beings. I would go so far as to say that they do not see anyone as a human being. The world, as far as they are concerned, revolves around them and everyone in it is merely a pawn in their chess game. It is an extremely unhealthy state.