The Wedding Hat

I went to a wedding at the weekend; the daughter of a best friend of mine (who also happened to be a bridesmaid at my wedding four years ago). I’d not expected to receive an invitation but was happy to accept with glee when I did. I was looking forward to getting all dressed up and showing everyone this confident, happy, sorted woman (they are all vaguely aware of my recent situation). I started planning almost immediately I got the invitation and put a lot of work in getting an outfit that said 1) “I’ve arrived” and 2) “I’m okay – more than okay actually” and (just for good measure) 3) “Older women can be confident, sexy and don’t give a stuff what other people think or say about them!!!!”. 

I pulled it off; bought a dress and hired this most amazing hat (see picture – my Marmite hat I called it. You either love it or hate it. I LOVED IT!!!), which EVERYBODY noticed and most people commented favourably on. 

The wedding was a joy. I know the family well and so had lots of ‘friends’ there but then I also made an effort to talk to as many people I didn’t know as possible. The bride’s mother (my friend) and father are divorced and I’d never met her father, although his mother has told me all about him. I was expecting to meet a grumpy, bitter, sad, old man – not the tall, handsome, articulate and gentlemanly chap I was introduced to. That was the first surprise of the event. The next one came in the form of a couple of conversations I had with other members of the family who (obviously) from what I am about to reveal have ‘issues’. Firstly, another daughter. A couple of years older than the bride who gave a sterling effort at being ‘the ugly sister’ all through the event (and from what I can understand during the run up to it). I have been told she suffers from manic depression and her excuse for being a complete and utter shit is that she is currently ‘not well’. I would put it simpler than that. I would say she is just plain jealous! 

This girl is THE classic example of someone ‘waiting’ for life to make her happy. She thinks that someone or something is going to come along and make her better. A magic potion, pill or treatment will heal her. A man will come into her life and devote himself to taking care of her. In the meantime, everyone around her will live in abstract misery like she does so that she wont get to feel bad. She treats me as a big sister, someone to moan to. Stupidly, I (being the nice person I am) have thus far allowed it, even though the silly cow has been nothing but rude and brash with me since I first met her. Apparently, though, I have something of a calming effect on her (so her family have told me). So, guess who I was seated next to at the reception! ? Yes, that’s right. The ugly sister! She wasted no time in trying to make me feel bad for being happy to be there, bending my ear manically with religious philosophy and other spoutings that to be honest I didn’t really understand. She was pretending (I think) to show me that she was far more educated than me, espousing big words and sayings from the bible and great literature. At first I just nodded and smiled politely but then after a while I just said “I really do not have a clue what you are talking about.” To which she replied “You must! Surely, you must. Have you not read …..(whatever the fuck title it was she was banging on about)?” To which I replied “No, I have better things to do.” She kept doing a disapearing act and each time everyone got in a flap and kept saying “OMG, do you think she’ll be okay?” Shall we try and find her?” Her mother’s boyfriend even suggested at one point that I “take care of her”. Fuck me – I thought! Is that why they invited me to this wedding so’s I could look after the ugly sister? I’ve gotta admit that for a few minutes the next time she disappeared I even felt a twinge of guilt, kept thinking they were going to find her hanging by her nylons from a beam in the ladies loos and all eyes would be one me: “TW! We asked you one simple thing – to take care of [shit face] and you didn’t! What have you got to say for yourself!?” 

It reminded me of the similarities in situation with my abusive husband. He would not take responsibility for himself either and hated it when everyone was enjoying themselves around him. He seemed to like nothing more than making people miserable (primarily me!) and would stop at nothing to do so. Shit face was the same. I felt like asking: “What would make you happy shit face? For us all to be as miserable as you? Would that really make you happy? Really?” Would you feel good about yourself that you have spoiled your sister’s wedding and made everyone feel miserable? What the fuck do you want little girl?” 

The remarkable thing about it is that this is how people like that dominate – by pissing people off, or using emotional blackmail and then when they get a reaction they go into their “don’t hurt me, I’m ill” act and the target of their campaign can do nothing but walk away and seeth or respond angrily and risk being branded the “devil’s spawn”. All I know is that there seems to be a few people in my life who are practised at it and have it honed to a fine art. I also know that I cannot get away with it. If I tried to use those tactics everyone in my life would disappear!! and quick!!

I feel sad for her though because being the way she is she will never be able to manifest what she wants in life which is to be loved. No-one will ever want to be around her for long if she does not change the way she is and I don’t think she can because I think she has the same problem as my ex in that she doesn’t think it is her who is at fault but the rest of the world and everyone in it. They just cannot see it her way and that makes her so cross. What can you say to people like that? If I said to her: “[name], take responsiblity for yourself. Do things (for other people, for example) that make you proud and feel good about being who you are and don’t expect the world to devote itself to making you happy.” she will undoubtedly accuse me of being cruel. 

There is a huge lesson in here for me too. I don’t want this sort of person in my life anymore and I seem to have developed over time into the sort of person who accommodates them nicely. It started with my father, who is still in my life and still succeeding in dominating (funny how the stronger and more healed I am getting the more ill, decrepit and requiring of attention he is becoming). These people infiltrate my work life too. I have had numerous clients with certain ‘qualities’. It is time I let them all go.

Is it true that you can only forgive people who want to be forgiven? 

I’ve been thinking about forgiveness a lot lately. The word has been coming into my life spontaneously. Whilst I understand the principle, I am finding it VERY, VERY difficult to even think about that word in the context of my soon-to-be ex – let alone do it! And I have realised there is a very good reason for that and that is he doesn’t feel he needs to be forgiven. He doesn’t think he has done anything wrong or is doing anything wrong (we are in the process of divorce and he is being a complete arse. He even staged a sit in at my solicitor’s office the other day. He wasn’t even meant to be there. He had phoned and demanded a meeting with her and she told him “No! It doesn’t work like that. I am representing your wife.” and he ignored it and turned up anyway. In the end they threatened to call the Police and he left). So, given the sort of character he is and his mind set, you can appreciate my struggle with forgiving him. 

I know forgiveness does NOT mean ‘condoning’ something. So, for example, I have forgiven my ex-employer for over-charging clients without actually condoning or agreeing with his actions. It caused me a lot of problems at the time but I understand why he did it, he realised it was wrong, apologised for the problems it caused me and ……………we’ve all moved on, even though I still think it was wrong. 

So, to forgive my husband for what he has done would not mean condoning it or accepting it was my fault in any way, it would be about understanding why he did it and accepting it happened. And, I guess that is the bit I am struggling with because (although I understand a great deal more about his mind-set and motivations than I did a year ago) I still don’t fully understand. Not only that but he keeps on doing it. At least my boss saw the error of his ways and stopped doing it. 

But I guess that is one key thing that I and everyone else has to understand about abusers is that they will NEVER see that they are wrong or that their behaviour is unjustified and unacceptable and that makes forgiveness very hard – if not impossible! 

When he was being persecuted by the Jews, JC said: “Forgive them, father, for they know not what they do.” Is that true of abusive people? Do they not know what they are doing? I have read various theories and ideas that suggest abusers are very aware of what they are doing, which is how they can turn it on and off – just like that! They can beat their wife in a frenzy of anger and aggression and then, when the Police arrive, be cool, calm and collected while she stands there an emotional gibbering wreck!

My theory is that abusers DO NOT WANT TO BE FORGIVEN because that would be an acknowledgement  that what they are doing is wrong. In that sense, making it impossible for their victims to forgive them is part of the abuse, a continuation of their control and – therefore – the perfect reason to forgive them in my view. But how?

 

Fearing the Enemy

I do not fear the pandemic that is Swine Flu, I fear the systemic, societal problem that is abusive and controlling men! They appear to be everywhere, in every culture, every walk of life, every creed, class and sector of society. And they are closer than we think! 

Last night, drinking a beer and sitting in the garden of my friend’s house, chatting, she pipes up: “Oh, did you hear? There’s been a murder in [name of our nearest village]! Happened last week. Jealous husband, apparently, shot his wife at point blank range in the back of the neck!” It sent a shiver through me. There but for the grace of God and all that. 

I don’t like to talk about my fear of dying at the hands of my soon-to-be ex-husband because on the one hand I don’t want to tempt fate and on the other I think I must sound over-dramatic to whomever it is I’m talking to. But it is there, in the back of my mind, constantly. It is a horrid thing to live with. At the time I left him, many people said to me – go into hiding. But I knew it would have been futile because he would have found me – no matter where it went. In a funny way it kind of felt safer to stay close but set it up so that it is impossible for him to have access to me. At least I have some idea what he’s up to. It sounds sick but I have often tried to imagine how he would do it. I mean, I know his limitations in terms of his ability. It would be extremely difficult for him to shoot me, knife me or run me over. He could pay someone else but (thank God) I know he doesn’t have any money – and hit men are expensive! 

Thankfully, I don’t think I will end up like the poor woman my friend told me about but I know what it is like to live with someone who wants you dead.

 

Fitting in

Okay, look, this is gonna be controversial – but then so is domestic abuse so I guess you’ve come to expect that from me. 

I went to our local supermarket today. It’s a co-op and they purport to have ethical policies and do good things and so forth so I shop there. I also like the staff; helpful and friendly. Anyway, so I’m there today and I am standing in line at the counter waiting patiently for my go with my basket of shopping and this guy who they have just taken on pushes past me to get to where he wants to go – I mean literally elbows me out of the way. No word of “excuse me” or “mind your backs” or none of that. Okay, I think, perhaps he didn’t mean it so I let it go. Couple of minutes later and he comes back the other way and this time he clatters into my basket, thus, pushing it into my ribs (it hurt) and waltzes on his way – still no word of apology! I stand there, seething, debating with myself whether to say something or not – and then it’s my go at the till and I pay and I’m done and out the door. Should’ve been quicker but something big was stopping me from saying anything. 

The guy in question is disabled you see. I don’t know for sure but it looks like he has Cerebral Palsy, which affects his balance and mobility. Now (this is the potentially controversial bit), whilst I sympathise and empathise with the plight of disabled people and make appropriate allowances, I do not think it is an excuse for bad manners or disrespect! Clearly this man bumped into me – twice! and hard! It was not just a little nudge. Now, if it had happened once – well, of course, my immediate assumption would have been that he could not help it and it was not intentional – even then a little “oops sorry” and a smile would have gone a long way. However, this was twice and – no word of apology! I wasn’t even in his way really – although if I had been he could have said “excuse me” and I would have moved, even just some kind of acknowledgement and I would have moved! But no, nothing! I’d say it’s damn bad mannered – disabled or not!!

Now, you can imagine my dilemma because if I had said something like “do you mind?” can you imagine the looks I’d have gotten off the other members of staff and customers?!! But he’s disabled he cannot help being unbalanced and anyway you have to make allowances for him!! Yes, indeed, I’m sure there would have been lots of ‘unspoken’ comments – maybe even some spoken ones! But like I say, I will make allowances for anyone with any sort of impairment – temporary or otherwise but there is NO excuse for blatant bad manners! 

Why am I so passionate about this? My abusive partner was disabled and he had a real chip on his shoulder. He exploited, big time, the fact that most people (when confronted with an afront by a disabled person) have a hard time standing up to them. Have you noticed how suddenly very helpful people become around disabled people, how forgiving? Yeah, well my husband used his disabled card to the max and he knew how to push it! He used a weapon against me (his walking stick) many a time and yet on the few occasions when I hit back (with open hands) he stepped back in horror, ran to his parents and before too long it was me in the dock (metaphorically speaking) being vilified for HITTING A DISABLED MAN!!!! OMG – how could I?!! this is the same man who called me a fat fucking bitch, poured various liquids over me at one time or another (including pots of water, alcohol, coffee etc.), stole my keys and mobile phone and locked me in the house so I couldn’t leave him, purposely masterbated over my side of the bed when I was in another room reading late at night so that when I got in it was all wet and I had to get up and go and sleep in the spare room. Yeah, that’s the same guy – the one I slapped because he was insulting me and wouldn’t let me out of the room so I could leave the house. 

Okay, so maybe I am being unfair to this guy in the co-op because of my own harboured feelings and bitterness towards my disabled ex-husband but I still think there is no excuse for bad manners – disabled or not!