The Kiss

This guy has come back into my life, having been out of it for the duration of my abusive marriage, and I’m not sure what to make of it. I’m into there being meaning to everything at the moment – nothing happens by accident. It’s all meant to be. And so everything has to have a meaning, or some higher purpose. Otherwise, what’s the point? What’s the point to any of this?

On the one hand, his appearance back on the horizon of my life has lifted me. He’s brought me joy this week because he’s been extremely attentive. It has done my self-esteem a lot of good. I’ve received emails almost daily and on the days I haven’t there have been phone calls. I’ve fallen asleep fantasising about how it would be to be together again, to melt into his arms and be held, to reconnect with whatever it is that bonds us. It fills me with love. And that’s a good feeling.

We’ve known each other since 1992 (17 years!) which makes him one of my longest running friendships. Although I hesitate to use the word ‘friendship’ because in many ways we are like acquaintances but in many others our relationship has been deeper and more touching than any I have known. Sometimes it feels like that ‘soulmate’ thing but yet there are aspects to it that get in the way of us being in a relationship together. For one, he’s married. I know I should dump him pronto, put it all down to a slight slip of the halo, one of life’s little mistakes and move on, never once uttering his name or thinking about him ever again. But that would be to deny what is going on, which I may at this stage understand little about but which is much bigger than the both of us and cannot be simply shut away in a box somewhere and put with all the other stuff that gets buried in the life garbage sack. “But what about his poor wife and family!!!?” Well, for one I am not a threat to them. Never have been. I don’t want him to leave her for me. I would rather he left her for him, if that is indeed his journey, at some stage or if their marriage came to a natural end for whatever reason and he feels he wants to move on.

If, at that stage, it’s right for us to be together then – great! If not, fine. So, don’t worry. I’m not a home wrecker and not about to become one. There’s an age difference of fifteen years (he’s older), which has never bothered me but I think it does him. I don’t see a 60-year old when I think of him. I see him and he could be 20 or 100! Some people show their age but to me he doesn’t because the connection between us is not just physical it’s spiritual and that’s ageless.

But the fact that he’s unavailable is interesting, there’s a pattern there for me. I have chosen a lot of men in my life who have been unavailable.

My father was unavailable, emotionally, for much of my childhood, older childhood in particularly. My soon-to-be-ex husband was unavailable that way too. In between times there have been numerous ‘unavailables’ I have gravitated towards. And, by the same token, there have been numerous ‘availables’ I have lost interest in pretty quickly because (I suspect) of the very fact that they are available.

And then there’s M (we’ll call him M, no particular reason, just the first thing that came into my head). When we first met, he was a client. I fell for him immediately. There was a real magnetism, for me at least. He was so much older but I found him so attractive. He seemed the direct opposite of my father; driven, ambitious and strong. He seemed, at the time, quite out of my league, something to aim for. Every time I saw him, my heart would (literally) skip a beat and I’d get all excited and fuzzy-headed and get all school-girl and inept all of a sudden, which wasn’t really like me. I’d catch myself saying stupid things in his company, things I would never say to anyone else, or things I meant to say would come out all wrong when normally I would be quite articulate. It got that it was impossible to concentrate when I was in his company. Not great when he was a client. I knew he was married; occasionally we would have downtime between company meeting and he would talk proudly of his family. I liked that, not that he was married but that he was a loving and doting dad (unlike mine). I didn’t ever think the fact that he was married would be a problem because (don’t forget) he was ‘out of my league’.

We didn’t start having an affair until years later, after I’d left the company. We stayed in touch, I can’t remember how or why but we did. All I can remember is that it was a mutual thing, he wanted to as much as me.

In the intervening years I did once have a dream about us together, making out. It was a proper dream, not an imagined fantasy. From then on, to me at least, he became ‘the man of my dreams’. The dream was very vivid and the reality (as it turned out) was not dissimilar. We didn’t have sex, however, until five years ago around the time of my 40^th birthday. We’d come quite close several times. What we had done, however, had been pretty hot and extremely seductive.

The sex itself wasn’t the passionate, free and spontaneous love-making of my dream but tinged with awkwardness and (I am guessing) regret (although not on my part). We only did it the once but rather than being the start of something I had hoped for it actually seemed to signify the end of our relationship as I’d known it up to then.  He went quiet and didn’t contact me for months. I’d got used to that. M had always been like that; either full on or nothing. I’d got used to getting my hopes up and letting my imagination run wild for a few weeks and then having to wrap all my fantasies back up in tissue again and put them away in the storage box until the next time he was ready. Yes, I know, he was very much in control of when and how much we saw of each other – and there goes another pattern in my life – the controlling male. Except in M’s case, it wasn’t like the same kind of control as my ex-husband. It didn’t make me feel squashed or undermined. If anything, I put it down to him taking charge and I liked that, so I let him.

But just after my 40^th birthday, my self—esteem was at such a low ebb. Dad and I had had a major bust up. He’d been really pissy and awkward that I had not had the sort of celebratory party he’d wanted me to have (a private, quiet, family doo). Instead I had organised a party for 40 close friends in our local village hall. I’d hired a Karaoke and disco and got caterers in. I was short of money, so Dad had offered (weeks before) to pay for something. I’d thanked him kindly and asked if he would pay for the Karaoke, which he agreed but then, the day before I went to collect it and had no money left in the bank, he changed his mind saying he didn’t like Karaoke and wouldn’t pay for it. I said I wish he had told me sooner and he told me that if I couldn’t afford to pay for things I shouldn’t get them! It meant I had to borrow the money from a friend to pay for the karaoke (thank God I have been blessed with great mates!). That, and the fact that there was a woman at the rowing club (of which I was a member) who’d taken a dislike to me and was making my time there miserable and this bloke (from the same place) who was giving me the run around. So, just after my birthday, my self-esteem was too low to deal with the ‘love ‘em and leave ‘em’ attitude of the man of my dreams. He still occupied much of my thoughts but I resigned myself to the fact that our relationship had changed and I probably would not see him again. Then, of course, I met my husband who as we all know was looking for a vulnerable yet strong woman to ‘feed’ his habit – and the rest is history as they say!

During the good times, it hadn’t all been physical with M either – although that was the primary driver (I’ve never reacted like I did with him with any other man in my whole life. He could turn me on just by standing close!). We had good conversation too. That said, in the last seventeen years, we have hardly seen each other, yet every time we do it seems (clichéd as it sounds) like it was only yesterday! There’s no catching up, straight back in there where we left off and even though each of us has been through so much in our lives separate from each other, it seems like he and I are travelling along the same path together as spiritual beings in this human experience.

That brings me nicely to now…….

So, he calls me last week, just for a chat but it soon gets round to flirting. I like it. It makes me feel good. Brings back all the wonderful feelings of the past, our past. And after the call they stay with me and I’m off on this fantasy – again – of me and him together – again. Making love. But it feels different this time. It’s not that it’s not as nice, far from it, or that I want him any less. It’s just that I don’t need him anymore. There’s a very subtle but vast difference between wanting someone’s affection and needing it and I recognised this week that I still feel the same about the guy but I don’t need him anymore. It feels good, healthy. Gives me all the pleasure of being able to fantasise without the emotional neediness.

He wants to meet up but he’s not sure when. I understand, his business is suffering at the moment and life is a constant fire fight for him. I understand that. But he seems to forget that it’s like that for me too, in my situation. I am not so free as I was. I am having to work my ass off to pay £1000/$1600/month solicitors bills just to keep my ex from dragging me down into the shitty place he’s in right now – and I don’t mind paying if it means I keep control of my life and my finances from now on. So far it is working but it demands a lot of commitment and hard work. I also have a dog and I am not willing to just drop everything a leave him on his own in my house for 8-10 hours while I go off and indulge myself in great sex!

But then, what I’ve noticed with M too when he wants to meet up is that there are always a thousand other things he has to do first, people he has to satisfy or comply with before he can possibly, maybe, perhaps have some time for me. I am beginning to feel like I don’t deserve that kind of vagueness in my life anymore. I’m human too. I’m important too – leastways to me and I deserve to be put top of the list by someone just once in a while. M is not in a position to do that. I accept that. But is it okay with me? No. No, not really. Not anymore. But then, I cannot imagine my life without him.

So, then he says Thursday is a good day for us to meet up – but then he remembers his son is going to be around so we decide that is not such a good plan. I have met his son before, many years ago and we could explain it away (as we did then because it was true) that his father and I are work acquaintances and we both happened to be in the same part of the country so we decided to meet up. But his son is now a grown man and M and I have known each other for over 17 years and I don’t think he’d buy it. So, then M says Tuesday is the only other possibility but it looks likely he has a work commitment for dinner so probably not, but maybe. And there’s the vagueness again. There was a time, many years ago, when I would have travelled all the way down to where he was and hang around by myself just in case the possibility happened and then if it didn’t I would have come home disappointed but that is not me anymore. That’s way in the past. So, I say, Okay well never mind. There will be other times and he says well we’ll see.

Tuesday evening he calls me at 8:20pm, apparently his work thing didn’t materialise and he asks if I will get in the car and go down there. It’s only an hour, I’d be there at 9:30pm whereupon he’d have some Thai food waiting for me and …………he would have called earlier but the phone has been going none stop so he didn’t get the chance.

I thought about it. I really did. I was hugely tempted but then it just felt like the same old stuff all over again. The same old crumbs of love and affection I have been feeding off all my life and I have been living the consequences of the subsequent emotional malnourishment ever since. I thought about how fantastic it would be too see him again, to melt into his arms, make love, talk, be with each other, to touch him, hold him……………………………but then what? More of the same vagueness – when will I see you again – dunno, excuses – I’m really busy and then there’s the family, reasons why not – I can’t commit to you, I’ve got this family thing going on. He wanted me, I could tell by his voice, he wanted me so badly and when I said no and suggested that perhaps he try and give me more notice next time so I can prepare myself he goes all cold and “yeah, whatever” on me. I know it was disappointment but he could at least try and understand. Why does it all have to be about him?

After I put the phone down, I was so tempted to jump in the car and just go. But this higher part of me knew it was wrong and that I had actually – disappointing as it might have been for both of us – done the right thing. Stupidly, I expected to hear form him the very next day with a suggestion for a day next week when we can meet up, which gives me plenty of time to ‘prepare’ (that is the other thing men do not understand – we women need to prepare for these things physically. It may seem trivial but it’s important to feel confident and making sure I look my best). But I get nothing but phone, email and text – silence! Having phoned, emailed and texted me – every day for about ten days, now there is nothing.

I think I know what this is about, but I am still not sure. As I have mentioned, I am reading about Radical Forgiveness and I know that this is all part of my journey (his journey too but this is my blog, it’s about me!). It is part of what I need to complete and forgive in order to diffuse the energy of that ‘not deserving love’ thing of mine and  ‘not deserving the best’. But this one is a biggy and (unlike the sheep episode with the dog the other day) it may take some time. Whether M is around for the whole of that process or not, I don’t know. Whether our relationship changes as a result of my going through that process or not, I don’t know. Whether we end up fulfilling our fantasy one last time or even forever, or whether he disappears out of my life completely, I’ve no idea but really none of that matters. What matters is that I am willing to go through this and start accepting that I do deserve love – and lots of it from (in my case) a man and whether that man is M or not, well…………………………………

Some of you reading this may well be talking to yourselves about the one thing I have mentioned little, which is his wife. His poor wife. What about her? Well, indeed, what about her? I hate that I am the sort of person who does this. I hate being an adulterer! It does not make me feel proud or good about myself. The fact that it goes on, with millions of couples all over the planet does not make it any easier to accept either. Has my relationship with her husband hurt her? It would be easy to say – no, not at all because she doesn’t even know about it but I don’t know that for sure and not only that it is out there in the ether and she will be picking up on it somehow. Even if it is not consciously, even if it is just through the irritation in her husband’s voice as he walks through the door this weekend or that he is behaving distantly. It’ll be getting through somehow. And it has been done to me, I know how it feels. None of this makes it right on any level. Except that it gives me another opportunity for forgiveness. This time, forgiving myself.

There are so many things I need to work on radically forgiving. So many people I need to let go of and forgive, radically, including myself. I have much work to do. But I know it will take me to a place where I can then begin to manifest positively the things and conditions in life I really want. That’s why I believe I am not a threat to M’s wife. I don’t want what she has: the solid marriage to a wonderful man, the large house, the active and full social life, the loving family, the success – none of it! And that’s a lie because I do want all of those things. But it’s also a lie too because I really have no idea if she has all that. I am just guessing that she does, it’s my perception that she does but reality might be that she doesn’t or even (ironically) that she does but she doesn’t want it, she wants something else! I think what would be really smart here is to acknowledge that I really (we none of us really) has any clue what’s going on because we make it all up anyway. This whole thing – life – it’s all made up fantasy. Oh yeah, I pretend I know what’s going on and so do lots of other people but the truth is we don’t. And therein lies the miracle! If we don’t have a clue what is going on, then we can make it up anyway we choose. And that’s great because that gives me control over the outcome of every area of my life – in the relationships I have with everything and everyone – people, money, my relationship to the planet – everything!

So, now there is silence. No phone calls, emails, texts – nothing. And I don’t know if that is because he is disappointed, confused or perhaps he just doesn’t really care for me that much but then if that were the case, what have the past 17 years been about? I cannot help thinking though, that if I had jumped in my car, abandoned the dog on Tuesday night and gone down and stayed with him that it would have been the same, that there would have been nothing but silence and regret (on his part).

I could write his story too but I’d be making it up. I think I know his story but I really don’t. All I do know with any certainty is mine. I can only guess at his and what would be the point of that?

The great thing about all this though is how my feelings have changed and moved on into a whole lot healthier place. It used to be that this intense pursuing, leading to a night of passion and then complete silence would throw me into a thought spiral that would ultimately lead to depression (albeit temporary) out of which I would drag myself by becoming resentful and bitter about M pretending to myself well I didn’t like him that much anyway. But I don’t see it that way anymore and I don’t feel that way either. I don’t get depressed when he doesn’t call me. It just is the way that it is. I get on with my life, filling it with good things and people who can give me the feast of love I so want and deserve. Perhaps that’s why I am running out of room in my life for M.

But for M and I, I don’t think it is about being together 24/7. I don’t think it has ever been about that. I watched one of my favourite movies on TV yesterday: The Bridges of Madisson County, in which an Italian housewife, married to a farmer from Ohio becomes romantically linked to a photographer from National Geographic for four summer days. Not only does she discover her passion that has lain dormant for all the years she has devoted herself to her husband and kids but they discover this deep spiritual connection, a certainty about which only ever happens once in a lifetime. There are some great lines in the film and I get totally lost in it. It’s the only film I have ever seen in which Merril Streep and Clint Eastwood disappear for me and become these characters. One of my favourite lines is where Robert Kincaid (Eastwood) says to Frances (Streep): “It feels like everything I’ve ever done in my whole life, every trip I have ever taken has been bringing me here, to you.” But they never do get together beyond those four days. She chooses to honour her commitments to her family because she knows that the guilt she would carry with her if she left them to be with him would destroy every ounce of what they had. She stays with her family and buries all of her memories of those four days in a box in the house along with (at a later date) his things which upon his death he has requested be sent to her. The saddest and yet most joyful part of that film for me is at the end upon her death when she (even though she is Roman Catholic) requests a cremation so that her ashes can be thrown from Rosamund Bridge, the start of it all and the place where his ashes had been scattered some years earlier. She says in a letter to her kids (who are by now adults): “I have given my whole life to you and your father, now I want Robert to have what is left of me.” It’s a beautiful story and chimes so much with M and I’s own. I used to hope (but I am now not so sure) that we are actually meant to ‘be together’ forever more. I don’t think that is what it is about for us. Or maybe it is – I don’t know.

Moreover, we are on this spiritual journey together and that’s as it should be. Where it takes us and what happens to us or what choices we are going to have to face along that journey, I’ve no idea but that doesn’t matter. What matters is how we face each day and what we do with those choices and how that enables each of us to grow closer to God, that’s what really matters.