Until recently (latter part of the 20th century), relationships were about survival and continuing the human race, I believe. My Grandparents got married because she needed a man to bring home the money that they used to buy food and put a roof over their heads and he needed a home-maker who would support him in going out and making the money – and they both needed each other to make babies! It was a perfect partnership. Emotional feelings, for the most part, didn’t figure and it’s been like that through time. Now, however, relationships have become exceedingly difficult because a lot of confusion exists as to their purpose. For most of us in the ‘westernised’ world, survival is pretty much handled now; single, couple, able-bodied, disabled, we can survive – even if not always under our own steam but there are systems and processes in place (pretty much – there are always exceptions of course) for us to get by. Procreating the human race, now, is unnecessary – the world is extensively over-populated. People no longer ‘need’ to have babies. Oh, but what about keeping the family name going? Leaving a legacy in my children? Maintaining the gene-pool continuum? All very valid reasons for procreating but all very selfish too. If we want to conserve the planet, we should stop breeding for a while. Mother Nature, I believe, is trying hard to redress the balance – how many couples do you know of who have had problems conceiving? Mother Nature’s way of suggesting we find other ways to fulfil ourselves but instead we go for IVF! That aside, if relationships are no longer about survival or procreation, what then are they about?
I think relationships are about love – pure and simple! But what is that? Ah, well now, that is the big question! I think love is about getting back to oneness (‘one-ness’), which means that I can be totally at peace with who I am – and the role relationships play in that (all relationships not just love relationships but family, friends, colleagues – everyone!) is to hold a mirror up to me so that I get to really see who I am. At first it’s uncomfortable, ugly even, but after a while (a lifetime, maybe, of personal development and growth) if I can begin to fall in love with myself then I will – without even trying – be able to fall in love with everyone.
So, my abusive partner was reflecting that side of myself I have been neglecting so far. That side of me that can be manipulated, abused, controlled. The low self-esteem, the total lack of attitude and assertion. Alongside that, he was also reflecting my steely independence, tenacity and strength that kept me fiercely independent and would not allow anyone to do anything for me and this provided him with something to chip at because it reflected his weakness and emotional neediness. In many ways I was weak: not blowing my own trumpet, not standing up for what I believe in and not speaking out or asserting myself. But in other ways, I was incredibly strong to the point of (unconsciously) scaring people (most particularly men). For him, I was his mirror reflecting his belief that he would never be acceptable and the only way to get what he wanted, what he felt he was ‘entitled’ to was through a regime of bullying, control and abuse. But does this make abuse right? No! Of course not, but it doesn’t make it wrong either – it just is the way that it is (don’t ask me to explain this right now – I fear it’s more than a blog entry!). To perpetuate the attitude of: horrid abuser, nasty man – poor me, I’m a victim, is to keep things as they are. To change abuse and move beyond it in my relationships (thus ensuring I do not recreate it in the next one) demands that I transcend that attitude somehow. I end the trance (trance-end) by bringing a new awareness to it. For me it is about taking responsibility for bringing it into my life – wait a second! Not condoning it. This is not about blame. This is not the same as what he and his family were trying to do which was for me to believe that the abuse was my fault – not the same! NO! NO! NO! What I am advocating here is that I see that I chose to live this life lesson. I chose him for his mirror, for what he would reflect back at me so that I would get a chance to see it, become aware of it, feel it and then change it by (in my case) saying it’s not okay with me that you treat me that way so I am going – bye! And withdrawing myself from him, and thus, the situation. I see that by blaming him all this time has been keeping me in victim land. One finger pointing at him, and three at me! He has been my gift from God. Not in any wondrous way where I should get down on my knees and worship him. He is a bad man. He has is not an angel/gift. He has not done this consciously oh I will just manifest as a human abuser, which I know will be incredibly painful for me but I will do it for her – not like that. He has been my ‘gift from God’ in the same way that the grain of sand in the Oyster shell causes such permanent irritation, rubbing and rubbing away until – WOW – one day – a pearl appears. But it doesn’t happen with every Oyster (for every 1000 you open, you may only find 1 pearl). Why is that? Same as it is with humans I expect – some get it, some don’t. I know I have got this abuse thing now. It won’t happen again for me but I suspect my abusive partner is still the dud Oyster and will remain so because he hasn’t got it. Let’s hope I am wrong.
So, relationships, now, are about growth and development – not survival and procreation. That’s how it should be but the conflict and confusion is happening because most people don’t understand this yet. Most people aren’t getting it! We are still trying to do relationships the old way – get married, breed, stay together forever, die and get buried in the family plot! I’m not saying there is anything wrong with that. It is absolutely the way many people would live as long as they are happen, fulfilled and in love. But for those of us who aren’t, we really should be asking ourselves why? And it may be that our development is in another direction.
