I’ve noticed something about myself and that is that I tend to come from scarcity when it comes to things of value such as money and love. I tend to ‘make do’ with whatever is available because I think that is all there is. I manifest this at work too. I take on too much all at once, volunteer for things that I really do not have time for and then allow other people’s priorities to overtake my own and make them more important than mine. I get ‘talked into’ things easily and say that I will do something even if I have never done it before and I know it will be difficult. I understand from what I have read that this is a typical characteristic of someone prone to being abused.

Take my business, for example, I have a set of terms and conditions which I give out to new clients most of whom don’t even bother to read them – let alone sign them! I don’t make a fuss, fearing that if I did perhaps they will take their business elsewhere and I will never get another client in my life and I will lose my house and…………………………….down I go on that ‘thought spiral’. 

The result of this is that many people in my life treat me badly. Because they are basically rude, selfish and ignorant and I don’t ‘check’ them for being so. I have always allowed them to get away with it. My clients, for example, never thank me for what I do for them – which often goes way beyond what I am being paid for. I always go the extra mile and I guess you could say that they do reward me by paying my bills and keeping on giving me business. But, you know, sometimes that’s just not enough. Sometimes, just sometimes, a kind word would mean so much. If I make a mistake or do something wrong you can bet your life they are extremely vocal but do something good, exceed their expectations and………….silence! 

I know I shouldn’t be complaining – that I should be feeling very lucky to have business in this ‘downturn’. I hardly ever complain to friends and acquaintances but when I do often the reaction typically is to shut up moaning, be thankful and enjoy spending the money!! But just recently I have begun to see that that is just one way to look at it. There are other ways. For example, would those people think it sensible to fill my life, and business hours, working for customers who are basically costing me money by keeping me busy doing work that is less profitable when I could be looking for work that is much more profitable? I believe there are customers out there who would respect my terms and conditions and indeed would see me as more professional for having them, be agreeable to adhering to them and thus making for a much smoothing ride towards a productive professional relationship whereby they get exactly what they want in the shortest time possible and as cost-effectively as possible and I get a proper, detailed and specific briefing to work to so that I don’t have to keep re-drafting everything because they cannot make up their minds what they want!! I think that is a sensible option – don’t you! 

It’s all about respect, being assertive and changing my responses to events from the past. That’s what one friend (one of the more supportive ones) said to me. She suggested I do an ‘assertiveness’ training course – but one that is business focussed (rather than personal development-led). She said this might help me to not be scared to assert my rights as a supplier and have my terms and conditions adhered to. She said that it would probably take a bit of getting used to for the clients I have so far, who have got used to the casual, ad-hoc way of working that I have allowed but that I must not worry if they cannot hack it and decide to go elsewhere because I would, in effect, be making room for more and better clients who would treat me more professionally – and better. 

I see it all the time. I see it in my personal life, how I pick up tiny crumbs of friendship, affection, attention and love because that is all there is and I might not get anymore. Well, there’s a sea-change a-commin! I’ve taken the first step: becoming aware of how much I give up and give in (actually, the first step was leaving my abusive partner!!). Now I am ready to take the next one. I want to manifest great things – great work, respectful and appreciative clients, great relationships, a full social life and………………….so much! Not sure how I will do it, but that doesn’t matter as I have taken the first step.