I haven’t blogged here for a while. Been going through another phase in my healing, I guess. Job to know really as everything is sooooo up in the air and chaotic right now. It’s hard to make any sense of any of it. I know I shouldn’t but I do keep asking myself those questions: why me? what have I done to deserve this? Is this my punishment for another life? Is it because I am gullible and stupid? and that question of all questions – why is everyone else’s life so cushy and they seem to have it so together whilst I can’t seem to even work out the basics and end up getting abused?

I’m also trying to fix it all. I keep going over and over what has happened and what is happening now and trying to come up with a solution but I can’t because there isn’t one. I know I have to just leave it to run its course but I’m scared of missing something, of looking back in another twelve months and thinking oh I wish I had done so and so then.

The facts are: we had our first divorce hearing on Monday and things didn’t go his way so he’s turned really nasty. His business is being wound up and the Official Receiver wants to investigate everything. They cannot find him as he’s gone into hiding and wont co-operate so they have come after me – yet another of his messes I am left to clean up. He is being made personally bankrupt so a couple of the creditors are coming after me for their money (I signed personal guarantees a couple of years ago whilst my husband made all sorts of threats if I didn’t). They don’t give a stuff about our personal circumstances they just want their money. I could end up £65,000 in debt. I already owe £20,000, which is money I have had to borrow to pay my solicitor’s bills – to get this far with no solution in sight! Meanwhile, all this hanging over me, I have him being his usual mean, destructive, vindictive self. All I want to do is get away from him but it seems now I am just as close as I was twelve months ago. Twelve months! I thought I would be rid of him and have my life back by now. Seems like I will never get it back. It will take another six months at least to sort out the official receiver thing, who knows how long the divorce will now be as he seems adamant that he will not agree on anything and not sign anything. Who also knows what will happen with these loans? Anyone know how to get out of a personal guarantee? I know signing a contract under duress makes the contract unenforceable but how can I prove that?

To top it all, I don’t seem to be meeting anyone new either. I so want something light-hearted in my life, a nice little dalliance with someone fun. Nothing heavy, just some – lightness in this dim, dark, chaos. I do not have delusions of grandeur but I do feel, with all the suffering, like I am serving an apprenticeship to be the next Jesus!