My escape from domestic violence, three years on

It seems so far away now, a distant memory. Reading these pages and posts again I am reminded of what it was like and I think “Oh, yeah, I remember that” but it’s like I’ve stuffed it way down inside because it hurt so much. I’m talking about my abusive marriage. A marriage I managed (eventually) to escape from three years ago. Three years. Wow! A lot has happened in three years.

I don’t see him now, don’t have anything to do with him or anyone associated with him. I’m still paying off the money I borrowed to pay solicitors to get him out of my life and to stop him dragging me down into litigious pit he was sinking into but in that sense (to get HIM out of my life), it was worth every penny and (come to think of it) was probably quite cheap.

I’ve got my life back on track. My business is going well without him (as it was before I even met him). I’ve started dating again, although that is bringing up some emotional challenges but I am dealing with them. One guy showed me, in no uncertain terms, that he sees woman as slaves to men, although he tried to say it in a charming way, so I told him to go get lost. It kind of spooked me a bit – not because of him but because of me: I chose him to go on a date with, missing all the signals.

My therapist asked: “Do you trust men?” it would be totally acceptable if I didn’t, given what I went through in my marriage, all the lies, manipulation and deceit. I thought for a second about all the male role models I have around me; my Dad, brother, friends, work colleagues, customers, most of whom are great guys and decent people who treat me well (aside from my Dad but I stay away from him). So, it’s not that I don’t trust men, it’s that I don’t trust me to pick the right ones. After all, I also chose my husband.

I know I need to listen to my gut more and start trusting that more than my head. See, my head tells me these guys (the ones I’ve dated in the past and my ex husband) are fine. A little controlling and perhaps difficult characters sometimes but otherwise okay but actually that’s far from the truth. See, mostly I’ve been thinking that just because these guys want me, and pick me and show that they are really interested in me, that I have to go along with it. I’ve told myself, in the past, this might be the only one who feels this way about you, you better hang on to him, when actually I should have told them all “GO FUCK THEMSELVES”. I don’t think a nice man is going to love me.

But that is not true. I am worthy of love and I am worthy of being loved by someone really nice and who really cares for me and while I have been filling my life with these deadbeats, I have not left room for the nice guys to come in. So, now I am. I am dating and keeping my emotions really close to my chest so that I don’t give anything away to anyone who doesn’t deserve it. I have not met my nice guy yet, but I am having a lot of fun in the meantime.

Sometimes I wonder if I ever will allow myself to be available for anyone. I am sooooo happy by myself. And I don’t know whether I will or not. It’s not a decision I have to make, I mean, it’s not like I’m joining a religious order or something “you have to make up your mind if you are willing to be celibate for the rest of your life and you have to do it now and stand by it forever”. It’s not like that. I’m just going with the flow.

I feel like I am healing well from my hurt and am living my life in a positive way. I do need to do more stuff that I really love and choose some nice friends whose company I find stimulating and interesting instead of allowing myself to be chosen by people who want me to be their friends – but on their terms. I’ve not really begun to do that yet but I will.

I hope anyone in a similar position to me three years ago who may have stumbled upon this post will take heart and know that you can get beyond this and survive. All the shit and crap, no matter how bad it may seem now, will fade at some point, just like it has for me.

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