Check out Sam Vaknin (you can get there via melove54, top of the page – link to YouTube video – or go to YouTube), self-proclaimed narcissist. Jees! That’s my husband! Well, not literally – I was not married to Sam Vaknin but the characteristics of him and my abusive ex are identical: the portrayal of grandiosity beyond reality, need to come across as perfect, constant tetchiness about the immediate environment, focus on self – yikes! Painful to watch. Then we get to see his poor wife! OMG! That’s me! Having to always look up to him, make him the focus, do his deeds, pretend like you have a say in the matter when the reality is you don’t!

It got me thinking about my relationship and how difficult it was for me, when I began to realise I was trapped in an abusive relationship, to garner support from anyone within our circle of friends, acquaintances and family. The problem was, because he was so accomplished at putting on this play, this facade, creating a great self-image, no-one saw or experienced him as I did. What they saw was what he wanted them to see: this brave, courageous and charming persona – so when I started to complain, the response I got was less than supportive. Most of them tried to make out that there was something wrong with me – there must be; that I was complaining about this ‘great’ man whom I was “lucky” to be with (yes, believe me, some people even said that to me!!). I understand now that there is a vast difference between narcissism and self-confidence. Here’s my take on it: 

• Narcissism is all about self. Self-confidence is inclusive. 
• Narcissism is about being better than………..Self-confidence is about being as good as you can possibly be and/or as good as everyone else.
• Narcissists want recognition and attention. Self-confident people want to do what they love and do it well.
• Narcissism is about entitlement. Self-confidence is about celebrating achievement.
• Narcissism is about projecting a false image. Self-confidence is about taking pride in what I know, what I have learned/studied and what I know I am good at.
• Narcissists lie. Self-confident people are goal-oriented and want to win but make no false promises. 
• Narcissists repress their emotions/feelings. Self-confident people possess freedom of expression.
• Narcissists are manipulative. Self-confident people are persuasive.
• Narcissists are motivated by power and control. Self-confident people are motivated by achievement.
• Narcissists are obsessed about appearance. Self-confident people care more about their abilities.
• Narcissists care little for human values. Self-confident people value being human.
• Narcissists value material possessions. Self-confident people value experience.
• Narcissists value notoriety. Self-confident people value dignity. 

 

The Wedding Hat

I went to a wedding at the weekend; the daughter of a best friend of mine (who also happened to be a bridesmaid at my wedding four years ago). I’d not expected to receive an invitation but was happy to accept with glee when I did. I was looking forward to getting all dressed up and showing everyone this confident, happy, sorted woman (they are all vaguely aware of my recent situation). I started planning almost immediately I got the invitation and put a lot of work in getting an outfit that said 1) “I’ve arrived” and 2) “I’m okay – more than okay actually” and (just for good measure) 3) “Older women can be confident, sexy and don’t give a stuff what other people think or say about them!!!!”. 

I pulled it off; bought a dress and hired this most amazing hat (see picture – my Marmite hat I called it. You either love it or hate it. I LOVED IT!!!), which EVERYBODY noticed and most people commented favourably on. 

The wedding was a joy. I know the family well and so had lots of ‘friends’ there but then I also made an effort to talk to as many people I didn’t know as possible. The bride’s mother (my friend) and father are divorced and I’d never met her father, although his mother has told me all about him. I was expecting to meet a grumpy, bitter, sad, old man – not the tall, handsome, articulate and gentlemanly chap I was introduced to. That was the first surprise of the event. The next one came in the form of a couple of conversations I had with other members of the family who (obviously) from what I am about to reveal have ‘issues’. Firstly, another daughter. A couple of years older than the bride who gave a sterling effort at being ‘the ugly sister’ all through the event (and from what I can understand during the run up to it). I have been told she suffers from manic depression and her excuse for being a complete and utter shit is that she is currently ‘not well’. I would put it simpler than that. I would say she is just plain jealous! 

This girl is THE classic example of someone ‘waiting’ for life to make her happy. She thinks that someone or something is going to come along and make her better. A magic potion, pill or treatment will heal her. A man will come into her life and devote himself to taking care of her. In the meantime, everyone around her will live in abstract misery like she does so that she wont get to feel bad. She treats me as a big sister, someone to moan to. Stupidly, I (being the nice person I am) have thus far allowed it, even though the silly cow has been nothing but rude and brash with me since I first met her. Apparently, though, I have something of a calming effect on her (so her family have told me). So, guess who I was seated next to at the reception! ? Yes, that’s right. The ugly sister! She wasted no time in trying to make me feel bad for being happy to be there, bending my ear manically with religious philosophy and other spoutings that to be honest I didn’t really understand. She was pretending (I think) to show me that she was far more educated than me, espousing big words and sayings from the bible and great literature. At first I just nodded and smiled politely but then after a while I just said “I really do not have a clue what you are talking about.” To which she replied “You must! Surely, you must. Have you not read …..(whatever the fuck title it was she was banging on about)?” To which I replied “No, I have better things to do.” She kept doing a disapearing act and each time everyone got in a flap and kept saying “OMG, do you think she’ll be okay?” Shall we try and find her?” Her mother’s boyfriend even suggested at one point that I “take care of her”. Fuck me – I thought! Is that why they invited me to this wedding so’s I could look after the ugly sister? I’ve gotta admit that for a few minutes the next time she disappeared I even felt a twinge of guilt, kept thinking they were going to find her hanging by her nylons from a beam in the ladies loos and all eyes would be one me: “TW! We asked you one simple thing – to take care of [shit face] and you didn’t! What have you got to say for yourself!?” 

It reminded me of the similarities in situation with my abusive husband. He would not take responsibility for himself either and hated it when everyone was enjoying themselves around him. He seemed to like nothing more than making people miserable (primarily me!) and would stop at nothing to do so. Shit face was the same. I felt like asking: “What would make you happy shit face? For us all to be as miserable as you? Would that really make you happy? Really?” Would you feel good about yourself that you have spoiled your sister’s wedding and made everyone feel miserable? What the fuck do you want little girl?” 

The remarkable thing about it is that this is how people like that dominate – by pissing people off, or using emotional blackmail and then when they get a reaction they go into their “don’t hurt me, I’m ill” act and the target of their campaign can do nothing but walk away and seeth or respond angrily and risk being branded the “devil’s spawn”. All I know is that there seems to be a few people in my life who are practised at it and have it honed to a fine art. I also know that I cannot get away with it. If I tried to use those tactics everyone in my life would disappear!! and quick!!

I feel sad for her though because being the way she is she will never be able to manifest what she wants in life which is to be loved. No-one will ever want to be around her for long if she does not change the way she is and I don’t think she can because I think she has the same problem as my ex in that she doesn’t think it is her who is at fault but the rest of the world and everyone in it. They just cannot see it her way and that makes her so cross. What can you say to people like that? If I said to her: “[name], take responsiblity for yourself. Do things (for other people, for example) that make you proud and feel good about being who you are and don’t expect the world to devote itself to making you happy.” she will undoubtedly accuse me of being cruel. 

There is a huge lesson in here for me too. I don’t want this sort of person in my life anymore and I seem to have developed over time into the sort of person who accommodates them nicely. It started with my father, who is still in my life and still succeeding in dominating (funny how the stronger and more healed I am getting the more ill, decrepit and requiring of attention he is becoming). These people infiltrate my work life too. I have had numerous clients with certain ‘qualities’. It is time I let them all go.

I’m in a bad space again. My abusive husband is still in control – so it would seem! He emailed me a few weeks ago, said he’d seen me driving to the office (an office building we both own but which he still works out of because I escaped) and “anything he could help me with to get in touch. Oh, and where do you want me to send your post – you or your solicitor?” 

I didn’t even go to the office on that occasion. I just happened to be driving along the road outside (a public highway) on my way home. I do it often (at least once a week) it just so happens, on this occasion, he saw me. Big fucking deal! Wasn’t doing anything illegal. I answered his email to that effect: that I didn’t go to the office and would he leave my post on the bottom step like always and I would pop by and pick it up (like always). I didn’t pick up the post for weeks. I don’t like going to the office. Too many bad memories so I put it off. I wrote him a few days ago and asked when it would be convenient to pick up my post and he ignored my email. I wrote again. He ignored that one too, so on Friday last I wrote and said “I’m coming to pick up my post this w/e. Leave it on the bottom step.” I didn’t get a reply but then, because he’d ignored the other two, I wasn’t expecting to. 

So, I drive there on Saturday and try to get in using my key and key fob for the Maglock – doesn’t work. The vindictive dick has only gone and locked me out of a building I own 50% of and in which I have stored important documents, papers, work stuff. I felt so foolish. I walked right into his little trap! When will I learn?! I knew he was up to something. I suspected as much but he’s not easy to second guess. I know he is gonna do something but I can just never tell what. I can’t go to the Police, they’ll say it is a civil matter so I have to go to a solicitor or court again, more expense. 

I so hate that man. I felt like reversing my car into the glass doors of the office and I would have (had they not got like megga CCTV strung up all over that fucking business park (like it’s fucking Disney Land or something!!). Of course, he is not allowed to do it. He can’t stop me from having access to a building I own – certainly not without warning first to give me a chance to remove my important paperwork but when has that stopped a serial, psychotic, narcissistic abuser from doing anything? 

I drove away absolutely livid. I drove straight up a one-way street the wrong way (for as long as I have lived here – about 15 years – it has been a two-way street – they changed it last Friday – apparently!!) and this pedantic little shit of a man shouts “Oiy you!” Oiy-fucking-you – like I’m some kind of no-life piece of shit. “This is one-way – did you not see the signs!?” I got out of my car, unfurled myself to my full height (about 5′9″), looked down on the short-arsed, loud-mouthed, breathless little git who by that stage had caught up with me, ran my hand through my glossy hair, shook my head, stared him right in the face, said: “Sooooo-fucking-whaaaat!!!!!!” turned on my heels and casually walked away leaving my car parked and facing the wrong way up a one-way street. It felt sooooooooo good!

I have since realised that my abusive husband is just using this tactic to provoke me – again! He used to do it all the time when I was with him. He couldn’t fight, was pathetic at fighting so he got really adept at provocation so that he would push people to react angrily or out of character so he could then go: “Eeeesh! Look at you! You’re so angry!” and of course he would be cool as cucumber at that point. Well, the thing with the door is just more of the same. He was hoping I would throw a hissy and drive through the doors or send him abusive emails or turn up on his doorstep screaming. But I didn’t. I felt like it but I didn’t. So, in that sense he hasn’t won. I have the upper hand because I still have the one thing he wants more than anything in  the world and can’t have and that’s my life! Yup! IT’S ALL MINE – TWAT FACE (not you, him)!

This is interesting: Initially, Fritzl pleaded not guilty to murdering his child through neglect but he changed his plea at the last minute – and without consultation with his lawyer who then claimed Fritzl had done it after watching the video evidence from his daughter. In a BBC report, lawyer Rudolf Mayer, is quoted as saying: “He was really destroyed by his emotion……………….It was possible for him to feel for the first time the feelings of his daughter.” Fritzl’s lawyer also tried to blame his actions [Fritzl’s] on a damaging childhood and the fact that his mother used to beat and mistreat him.

Nice try but we all know this man has no feelings. How could he and do what he did? I prefer the theory of Professor Jeremy Coid, professor of forensic psychiatry at Queen Mary College, University of London, who is quoted in a separate BBC report as saying:

“This is a man who is very private; and he has to be in control. While Fritzl might like to say he changed his plea after hearing his daughter’s emotional evidence – that for the first time he was able to understand his daughter’s feelings – from what I know of similar offenders, I would be extremely skeptical.

When the trial started, I’m sure Fritzl believed he was going to use his day in court to deny some of the charges and to portray himself as a good father, who was not as bad as people might think.

But, he is obviously socially avoidant and anxious in social situations. In court, he was confronted by the reality of the situation. He was no longer in control – facing the court and the media’s flashbulbs would have been unbearable for him.

We saw him covering his face – this was not just to hide from the media but because it was painful for him to be exposed.

A confession allowed this whole process to stop. We shouldn’t see this as an admission of remorse.

Among incest offenders, Fritzl is down the heavy duty end – a sadist who is intensely perverted.

Offending in the way he did would have made him feel grandiose. Raping his daughter and acting out his perversions would have given him sadistic pleasure.

To me it was interesting that he [acted out his perversions] within his own home. He has previously been convicted of a sexual offence. My hunch is that he wasn’t any good at offending outside the home.

This socially avoidant part of his personality would have caused him to withdraw from the trial.”

I disagree with Coid’s last point. I would say that it was his ingrained sense of having to be in control and be right that made him change his mind and plead guilty – without consulting his lawyer first. By doing so, he put himself firmly in control again – perhaps he didn’t get the outcome he originally wanted (which was to portray himself as a caring father and not a deviant monster) but to abusers the outcome is often a much less important issue than being in control and being right. My husband, for example, was willing to be ‘dead right’; he was not scared of death but absolutely petrified (although he would never admit it) of being controlled and made wrong.

It is also said that he (Fritzl) recognised his daughter in court when she turned up in disguise one day. I would argue that it is not so much that he recognised her but that he recognised an opportunity to use her – one last time – to rebuild his façade, his lie, thus: “See, I am a caring person. I have owned up to my sins and apologised, now the public must see that I am not a monster.” This, as we all know, is a classic tool in the cycle of abuse that abusers use: abuse, apologise, charm, abuse, apologise, charm and so on.

Monsters they may be, but abusers are extremely clever thinkers – like chess players. No matter what the game, nor who the opponent, they will always outsmart – even to the point of destruction.

The sad thing is, I suspect, Fritzl and those like him will keep on abusing – even in prison or psychiatric units. As long as he is alive, he will do so. The only way to stop him doing so is to keep him away, in solitary confinement, from any other living beings (human and animal). I believe he will get the last word – again! I believe he will find a way to take his own life as a final stand in being in consummate control (you read it here first!).

So, Josef Fritzl (the Austrian who imprisoned his daughter in the cellar for 24 years, where he repeatedly raped and abused her and fathered seven children with her) has received a life sentence, which he will serve, largely, in a psychiatric hospital.

For me this case has been particularly sickening: it has been interesting hearing different people’s reactions to what is, I believe, an extreme example of a worldwide problem that people are so keen to sweep under the rug and pretend doesn’t exist. It does exist, it has existed since time immemorial and as we now live a world where it is getting more difficult to hide – this is our opportunity to get it out into the open to be banished – for good! We must stop hiding! We will not do that by closing the door and pretending it doesn’t exist. There will be people out there saying: “Ah, yes but that happened in a sleepy little town somewhere in Europe. It would never happen here.” Believe me, my friend, it does and it is.

In a BBC report, the closing quote from the Mayor of Amstetten (the town in Austria where Fritzl lived and this took place) is: “A dark chapter in the history of our town is now closed.” This suggests to me that the town is keen to not talk about it and shut it away, which whilst I so understand, I think is a real shame. In my view Amstetten should rally together to become “that town that rose up against abuse – you remember? The one where that Fritzl monster lived and where they set up a campaign to highlight abuse so it would never go undetected again.” What a positive, healing message that would be.

There are many people on the planet who display what could be described as ‘deviant behaviour’, that is outside of what the populous, as a whole, agrees is ‘normal’. It varies in degree of harmfulness – from that which is only harmful to the ‘doer’ such as extreme sports, for example, to the very serious, such as paedophilia. Many people who are ‘deviants’ operate alone for no other reason than the momentary ‘thrill’ of the activity but some (as we know such as paedophile rings) operate in groups not only for the ‘thrill’ but for financial gain. When operating in groups, it’s harder for the individuals involved to plead innocence by saying they didn’t know it was wrong. The underground way in which the group operates will have made it obvious to anyone that their actions are unacceptable to the outside world and must be kept secret. It is harder also to keep it secret when there is always the possibility that someone in the group may be an impostor (Police investigator, for example) or a vengeful ex-member minded to blow the whistle.

The frightening thing about abusers such as Josef Fritzl (the Austrian who kept his daughter locked in the cellar for 24 years) is that he operated alone. His own wife didn’t even know or suspect anything (so we are told) or his other children. Perhaps they did and they were terrified into silence – we don’t know but certainly no-one outside of the family knew what horrors were being played out right there in their own neighbourhood.

The Fritzl thing was sickening, because of what he did, who he was and the fact that people like him could be living right next door – to any one of us! For me, there were painful echoes of my own abusive situation and it hurt to be reminded of the mentality that my husband characterised – a terrifying, destructive need for power, control and possession – above all else – even one’s own life and the lives of others. Throughout his life, my husband displayed those characteristics. He had very little regard for life – his or others. He was an erratic and unsafe driver and had a penchant for putting himself and others in life-threatening situations. He didn’t care if he lived or died – or if I did. And yet, he had to have ultimate power and control. It was more important to him than anything. He always had the last word in arguments – always – and never backed down. The same is true of Josef Fritzl. Although I was not imprisoned for over twenty years in a cellar like his daughter, my life became like a prison. Upon release I had all the feelings that inmates feel when let out. I believe it was only because of my own husband’s ineptness to ‘get away’ with anything like Fritzl that was my saviour from such a nightmare. I do believe he would have wanted to. I also believe he will have observed this case with great interest and the thought in the back of his mind “Lucky bastard, getting away with that for so long. Wish I could have been that good.”

My husband hated being called a control freak. He hated the thought that he could be ‘found out’. He was most abusive when on the point of being found out.

 

Chain of Abuse

There is a high-profile case currently going on in Austria in which a father is accused of imprisoning, raping and sexually abusing his daughter and murdering one of her children through neglect (a child which he himself fathered – sickening!!) . The case is expected to conclude tomorrow (Thursday 19th March 2009). It is alleged he kept the girl in a locked cellar in the house for over 20 years where he persistently raped and abused her. He is denying the charges of murder and imprisonment but has pleaded guilty to the others. His defence team are claiming he has a severe ‘personality disorder’, which I am guessing they hope lessens his guilt in some way. 

Firstly, before I get to the important bit, what strikes me is that ‘abuse’ in itself is still not identified nor categorised as a crime in most parts of the world. I am guessing, if one were to ask a law-maker, they would say “Well, abuse is hard to define. What constitutes abuse? You don’t want to end up with institutions full of rowdy teenagers who have been caught swearing at the teacher!” True, but persistent, premeditated, devious abuse that happens over a period of time can be defined, categorised and thus criminalised. So, why isn’t it? If it were, anyone in an abusive relationship would have grounds to make a case against their partner before it got to the point where an assault takes place. In my case, my abusive husband was prosecuted for common assault – but what about all the other stuff? The emotional abuse, the mental torture? What about that? It was wrong of him to hit me, society is agreed on that, but all that other stuff? Well, we’re not sure yet, I mean, good grief, if we outlaw that we’d end up having to be civil to each other and then how would we get by? How would politicians (who tactically use put-downs of the opposition to win votes and press editorial) cope. What about lawyers who use manipulation techniques to weaken the other side? What about sports? What about any opposing groups? I can imagine it is this kind of thinking that stops ‘abuse’ actually getting outlawed. And I can understand, that at that level of thinking, it is difficult to see it any other way. I personally feel that outlawing some of these more devious tactics is not a bad idea. I would rather listen to Barrack Obama talking animatedly about his vision, the strengths of his politics, a united peace movement and so on than to listen to any politician bang on about the weaknesses of the opposition. I would rather hear lawyers speak the truth and let justice be done than to deviate away from it to a catch in current law that enables them to get their guilty client off. 

And that brings me on to the second (but in my view more important point in this case) is the mention of ‘personality disorder’, which I believe (in the case mentioned earlier) is being used as an excuse for this man’s monstrous behaviour. The mindset is that this man has a severe personality disorder so he cannot possibly be responsible for his actions. Well, if that is true – who the hell is? His daughter? His community? Society? His Doctor? I believe this man was responsible, he knew exactly what he was doing and worse than that he believed he was entitled to do it – she is his daughter after all, the flesh of his loins and that equates to her being his possession to do with what he likes. Where have we heard that before? It has been part of global thinking since time immemorial, thankfully (usually) not as severe as in this case but it is there never-the-less as an undercurrent. 

I believe my husband had a personality disorder, narcissistic personality disorder to be exact but if I had ever alluded to that (which I did not) he and his family would have vehemently denied it – until it came to a court case of course where he could plead it as an excuse for what he did to me. When it became a useful tool to him, then he would have admitted it. 

I have seen this happen so much, people labelling behaviours with some kind of disorder as a way of excusing them. My sister-in-law, for example, was convinced her son (my nephew) was dyslexic because he kept getting poor grades at school. I was convinced it was because he wasn’t getting the right guidance from his parents and teachers. He was very practical, good with his hands and dexterous and good with mechanical things but the school was an extremely academic institution, expecting pupils to excel in those subjects. Interestingly, since my nephew has left school (he is now 20), he has worked hard and become a thorough, professional and adept mechanic and is now earning a good wage. More importantly, he is happy in his work and life and (amazingly) he can spell very well as it turns out! I am sort of getting off the point here but I believe that we should be very careful firstly of appointing ‘labels’ to particular behaviours without first undergoing thorough tests and analysis. Secondly, we must stop allowing such ‘behaviours’ to be an excuse for justice not to reign and instead use the process of labelling these behaviours as a means by which the right course of treatment should be given to the people who have them. If this Austrian father is forced to undergo years of intensive therapy in the right corrective institution, I hope they ensure it is not a soft option to prison and that it actually does work. Sad thing is, he is at the end of his life and whatever time he has left will be short. His daughter, on the other hand, has been through her prison sentence – through no crime on her part – and will probably, as a result, never be able to live a normal and fulfilled life.

 

Volatility

I’ve been thinking about the difference between volatility in relationships and abuse. I’ve heard people in the past describe what is clearly an abusive relationship as ‘volatile’. I’ve read it in magazine articles. Just the other day I was reading one story in which a woman said: “Our relationship is volatile. He hits me when he’s drunk and I retaliate but then when he’s sober he calms down.” Clearly, in this instance the relationship is abusive: he is making the choice to hit her (feeling less inhibited under the influence of alcohol) and she is retaliating with violence. It is his intention to hurt her, it is her intention to defend herself. Maybe he feels weaker when he is sober and so he appears to not do it, but I wouldn’t be surprised if the motivation is there all the time, he just chooses to express it when buoyed up alcohol. 

 

I have been in a volatile relationship before – but it was totally different to my abusive marriage. I was with Dave (we’ll call him) for eighteen months during which time we argued – a lot! We were both from creative backgrounds, both strong and opinionated and sometimes our opinions differed so we would argue because we both wanted, equally, to get our point across. More than that, we both hoped that by doing it in a really strong and convincing way, we could influence the other person to change their minds and agree with us. Our arguments could last anywhere from a few minutes to a few days. There would be raised voices, maybe even a table or wall being banged to emphasise the point but never, ever did either of us even think about violence against the other. 

There always came a point in our arguments where (expression of point-of-view exhausted) we would realise the futility of extending it – nothing more to say – and it would come to a natural end. Sometimes either he or I had stormed off in frustration or to clear our heads. At the end of the argument, or when we reunited, it would feel like the air had been cleared and we would feel closer, stronger and that’s when the fun bit started – the making up part! 

The key differences between a volatile relationship and an abusive one, as I see it, are to do with intention, self-respect and permanency of the intention. In volatile relationships the intention is to get my point across so that I can maintain mutual respect, which I do by arguing the point but in a controlled way (meaning I don’t lose it and thus lose respect). I am always mindful of the fact that, no matter how frustrating it feels, I accept that my partner has a different point-of-view (even though I might think that they are wrong!). And permanency of the intention ends when the argument ends or when I have got my point-of-view across. 

In an abusive relationship, the intention of the person doing the abusing is to hurt, control, manipulate, injure, do in and do down, the other person – no matter what it takes and on a permanent basis! There is no self-respect only a narcissistic feeling of entitlement – permanently! Therefor, there can be no ‘end’ to the argument. As long as the target stays alive the abuser’s work is not done, the aim has not been achieved nor intention fulfilled. It’s an unequal relationship, the abuser always feels – or has to feel – that they have the upper hand. 

Ask anyone in a volatile relationship if they like to argue and the majority will tell you they don’t but they can’t help it. Ask an abuser in an abusive relationship the same question and they will most likely say something along the lines of: “Oh, we never argue.”

I watched a TV progamme last night about real crimes. It was about a 22-year-old girl who was shot dead in Harvey Nichols in London (one of the capital’s premier department stores where she worked as a beauty consultant) by her ex boyfriend who had worked in the same store as a security guard. They had been dating for three weeks when she dumped him because he was displaying the classic signs of being too full-on. He stalked her for months before finally being arrested and prosecuted for stalking and harassment. His hearing was adjourned and he was given bail, even though he displayed the classic signs of being a danger to her and other people. Two weeks later, he entered the store on a busy day, shot her in the back of the head and then three times in the face as she lay dying, and then turned the gun on himself. Metropolitan Police said that no-one could have predicted the girl’s boyfriend would kill her – even though he had threatened to several times!

The most striking aspect of the programme to me was that it focussed on stalking and harassment and made references to the perpetrator as ’stalker’. What was clear to me was that he was more than that – he demonstrated the classic signs of being a domestic abuser and I suspect that if their relationship had continued longer than three weeks, he would have proved me right. The reason I point this out is that my fear is that these people are not being given harsh enough treatment and taken out of society and away from the victim because they are being labelled as much less than they actually are. We have come a long way in recent decades in terms of how we deal with stalking and harassment. A lot of people, particularly victims or targets of stalking have done a great deal to highlight and table debate about the issues so that now we have clearer understanding of what they are and what can be done about them. Tt seems to me we have some way to go with domestic violence and abuse. That said, it has already started. There are many people doing some great work in that area (click on the links on this website to see some of them). 

Amongst other things, an enquiry into the Harvey Nicks killing said the Police were not to blame but it also highlighted many areas where current thinking, assessment  of cases and the way they are dealt with are severely lacking. 

In my own experience, the Police were extremely helpful and I have no doubt that if it had or were to escalate to that level of danger I could rely on them for protection. But only to a degree. and that’s the same for everyone. Very few of us are privileged enough to have round-the-clock bodyguard protection and without that dealing with abusers is only effective to a point. My abuser was, and is, very shrewd, smart, convincing. To most people he can appear completely harmless; a charmer. But therein lies the rub because many abusers are the same and that’s how they have got away with it for years because people have believed them – including the authorities and their partners – when they have said “I’m not stalking you, I just love you so much I want to be near you. How can that be wrong?”

Couples break up all the time and usually one or other of the partners doesn’t want it to end and tries to convince the other to resume the relationship – even resorting to stalking and harassment tactics. But usually in these cases it is unwitting and they only do it for a couple of weeks or more and eventually stop and move on. On some occasions, the one who’s been dumped doesn’t try to get back with the partner but becomes abusive because they are angry and upset but, again, it usually only lasts for a short period. 

Perpetrators of domestic abuse are not like that. Their whole existence is centred on control, manipulation and abuse and they will keep doing it for as long as a) they have a victim/target in their sights b) they appear (to them) to be getting away with it and c) they are free to move around and follow their victim whenever and wherever they please. There is a vast difference between a one-off, where a person who has gone out, got drunk and sent his ex girlfriend 20 text messages of love and adoration in one night, or smashed up the model Ferrari she bought him for his birthday and someone who is a perpetrator of harassment and abuse. Yes, the first should be shown that his actions where wrong and be made to pay for them, which may involve ‘a talking to’ by the authorities but that sort of lenience will not work with abusers. 

My partner is still trying to manipulate me into resuming our marriage and there is little I can do about it other than not responding to his communication, not allowing him access to me and giving him clear messages (although with abusers that last one seems impossible because unless they are words they want to hear you might as well talk to a wall!!). Unfortunately, in my case, we are still married and although I am taking steps to change that it is a fact that there are certain times I have to initiate contact with him which for me is purely practical but for him is encouragement. 

Domestic abuse is on the rise and if we are to stamp it out we need far more immediate and harsh treatment of perpetrators plus rehabilitation – but only if it’s the right sort, the sort that works (read Why Does He Do That?). I think everyone who has been arrested for any category of violence and/or abuse should be immediately psychologically assessed by experts, not just psychologists but specialists in the area of domestic violence. They should then advise the Police on bail conditions and should even be given statutory powers to set bail conditions. I know this is wishful thinking and it will probably never happen but it seems to me that currently abusers are being ‘enabled’ to get away with it and escalate their treatment to unthinkable heights.