Check out Sam Vaknin (you can get there via melove54, top of the page – link to YouTube video – or go to YouTube), self-proclaimed narcissist. Jees! That’s my husband! Well, not literally – I was not married to Sam Vaknin but the characteristics of him and my abusive ex are identical: the portrayal of grandiosity beyond reality, need to come across as perfect, constant tetchiness about the immediate environment, focus on self – yikes! Painful to watch. Then we get to see his poor wife! OMG! That’s me! Having to always look up to him, make him the focus, do his deeds, pretend like you have a say in the matter when the reality is you don’t!

It got me thinking about my relationship and how difficult it was for me, when I began to realise I was trapped in an abusive relationship, to garner support from anyone within our circle of friends, acquaintances and family. The problem was, because he was so accomplished at putting on this play, this facade, creating a great self-image, no-one saw or experienced him as I did. What they saw was what he wanted them to see: this brave, courageous and charming persona – so when I started to complain, the response I got was less than supportive. Most of them tried to make out that there was something wrong with me – there must be; that I was complaining about this ‘great’ man whom I was “lucky” to be with (yes, believe me, some people even said that to me!!). I understand now that there is a vast difference between narcissism and self-confidence. Here’s my take on it: 

• Narcissism is all about self. Self-confidence is inclusive. 
• Narcissism is about being better than………..Self-confidence is about being as good as you can possibly be and/or as good as everyone else.
• Narcissists want recognition and attention. Self-confident people want to do what they love and do it well.
• Narcissism is about entitlement. Self-confidence is about celebrating achievement.
• Narcissism is about projecting a false image. Self-confidence is about taking pride in what I know, what I have learned/studied and what I know I am good at.
• Narcissists lie. Self-confident people are goal-oriented and want to win but make no false promises. 
• Narcissists repress their emotions/feelings. Self-confident people possess freedom of expression.
• Narcissists are manipulative. Self-confident people are persuasive.
• Narcissists are motivated by power and control. Self-confident people are motivated by achievement.
• Narcissists are obsessed about appearance. Self-confident people care more about their abilities.
• Narcissists care little for human values. Self-confident people value being human.
• Narcissists value material possessions. Self-confident people value experience.
• Narcissists value notoriety. Self-confident people value dignity. 

 

Michael Jackson 1958-2009

God bless you Michael. May you rest in peace and may your music live on. You were five years older than me and when you were at your height (1978-87) I wasn’t paying much attention. Wish I had. Interestingly, the music I was paying attention to has all but disappeared (except U2 – my all time favourite band) but yours has endured. I love Earth Song. It’s true, the Earth has a cancer – it’s called the Human Race! 

I had a dream about you once: we were both trying to help each other escape. I’ll never forget. I’m not done here yet but when I am, I hope you’ll be waiting.

I read with interest on the BBC News website an article quoting Marks and Spencer Chairman Sir Stuart Rose speaking to the Observer newspaper. In the interview he is quoted as saying: “women never had it so good” in the workplace, that the so-called ‘glass ceiling’ barring promotion no longer exists and that “women can get to the top of any single job that they want to in the UK”. 

He is also quoted as saying: “Apart from the fact that you’ve got more equality than you ever can deal with, the fact of the matter is that you’ve got real democracy and there are really no glass ceilings, despite the fact that some of you moan about it all the time.” And:

“I mean, what else do you want to do, for God’s sake? Women astronauts. Women miners. Women dentists. Women doctors. Women managing directors. What is it you haven’t got?”

Well, how about real equality Sir Stuart, that would be a start. 

I don’t want to be top dog in an organisation because a man put me there – as a token gesture to tick the box that says ’show that you are an equal opportunities employer’. I don’t want to have to ‘do it like a man’ just to compete on an even playing field. I don’t want to be looked down upon as a second class citizen if I choose to stick to traditionally female roles like stay-at-home motherhood, nursing, secretarial work, cleaning, cooking (men are Chefs women are cooks!! Same effing thing to me except that cooks don’t get paid the same as Chefs!!!). I want men to get it, really really get it – THAT YOU DON’T RULE THE FUCKING WORLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sir effing Stuart – put that in your pipe and smoke it!!!!!

 

Fitting in

Okay, look, this is gonna be controversial – but then so is domestic abuse so I guess you’ve come to expect that from me. 

I went to our local supermarket today. It’s a co-op and they purport to have ethical policies and do good things and so forth so I shop there. I also like the staff; helpful and friendly. Anyway, so I’m there today and I am standing in line at the counter waiting patiently for my go with my basket of shopping and this guy who they have just taken on pushes past me to get to where he wants to go – I mean literally elbows me out of the way. No word of “excuse me” or “mind your backs” or none of that. Okay, I think, perhaps he didn’t mean it so I let it go. Couple of minutes later and he comes back the other way and this time he clatters into my basket, thus, pushing it into my ribs (it hurt) and waltzes on his way – still no word of apology! I stand there, seething, debating with myself whether to say something or not – and then it’s my go at the till and I pay and I’m done and out the door. Should’ve been quicker but something big was stopping me from saying anything. 

The guy in question is disabled you see. I don’t know for sure but it looks like he has Cerebral Palsy, which affects his balance and mobility. Now (this is the potentially controversial bit), whilst I sympathise and empathise with the plight of disabled people and make appropriate allowances, I do not think it is an excuse for bad manners or disrespect! Clearly this man bumped into me – twice! and hard! It was not just a little nudge. Now, if it had happened once – well, of course, my immediate assumption would have been that he could not help it and it was not intentional – even then a little “oops sorry” and a smile would have gone a long way. However, this was twice and – no word of apology! I wasn’t even in his way really – although if I had been he could have said “excuse me” and I would have moved, even just some kind of acknowledgement and I would have moved! But no, nothing! I’d say it’s damn bad mannered – disabled or not!!

Now, you can imagine my dilemma because if I had said something like “do you mind?” can you imagine the looks I’d have gotten off the other members of staff and customers?!! But he’s disabled he cannot help being unbalanced and anyway you have to make allowances for him!! Yes, indeed, I’m sure there would have been lots of ‘unspoken’ comments – maybe even some spoken ones! But like I say, I will make allowances for anyone with any sort of impairment – temporary or otherwise but there is NO excuse for blatant bad manners! 

Why am I so passionate about this? My abusive partner was disabled and he had a real chip on his shoulder. He exploited, big time, the fact that most people (when confronted with an afront by a disabled person) have a hard time standing up to them. Have you noticed how suddenly very helpful people become around disabled people, how forgiving? Yeah, well my husband used his disabled card to the max and he knew how to push it! He used a weapon against me (his walking stick) many a time and yet on the few occasions when I hit back (with open hands) he stepped back in horror, ran to his parents and before too long it was me in the dock (metaphorically speaking) being vilified for HITTING A DISABLED MAN!!!! OMG – how could I?!! this is the same man who called me a fat fucking bitch, poured various liquids over me at one time or another (including pots of water, alcohol, coffee etc.), stole my keys and mobile phone and locked me in the house so I couldn’t leave him, purposely masterbated over my side of the bed when I was in another room reading late at night so that when I got in it was all wet and I had to get up and go and sleep in the spare room. Yeah, that’s the same guy – the one I slapped because he was insulting me and wouldn’t let me out of the room so I could leave the house. 

Okay, so maybe I am being unfair to this guy in the co-op because of my own harboured feelings and bitterness towards my disabled ex-husband but I still think there is no excuse for bad manners – disabled or not!

Let me just take this opportunity to congratulate both the England Women’s Cricket team and England Women’s Rugby squad who, in the same weekend, won world titles: Women’s World Cup and Women’s Six Nations title (respectively). The Women’s cricket team did rather better in the publicity stakes, gaining a modest amount of coverage in the press whereas the Rugby squad hardly got a mention. ‘course it’s only women so it’s not proper sport is it……………….

Meanwhile, how are our boys teams doing? Ah………..hm……….Oh well, never mind, it’s only a game eh!

I have a very dear friend who thinks she is a ‘modern woman’ with modern, liberated views. We went to lunch on Monday and the conversation came round to equality between the sexes (not sure how but that’s irrelevant). She mentioned Germaine Greer (a renowned British feminist) and said how damaging she thought she had been to sex equality: “Well, because of her and others like her,” she said, “Young men are now frightened of women!” 

It was all I could do to restrain myself from screaming at her! I stayed calm and said that I think Germaine Greer is great, which is true, and that if men feel uncomfortable around her then that is their problem. For centuries women have stayed quiet, diminished themselves, their views, opinions and needs, and made themselves appear smaller, less able and talented to make men feel comfortable around them – and it is not women who have made young men feel scared but older men putting it out there that young men ought to be scared of modern, liberated women! 

C’mon guys! You race cars round tracks at 200mph, you fight in wars, you build machines that take people to the moon, you perform brain surgery, you take part in extreme sports, you do all sorts of scary stuff – don’t tell me you’re scared of women! I suspect, however, that it is my friend’s old-fashioned view that is out of sync, not the male populous – least I hope so!