Respect

Been feeling sorry for myself, beating myself up. Thoughts churning over and over – like some white noise freak show. People don’t respect me – no one does. Not even my own family! Friends diss me; make arrangements and don’t show up or turn up late as hell with a hollow apology and jerry-built excuse, leaving me waiting like some moron.

No one ever calls – unless it’s to ask me to do something – for them. No one ever calls just to see how I am. My Dad, speaks to my brother every week, every Sunday night he calls him. He calls me every other month, sometimes, maybe, if he can be bothered or remembers who I am. Most of the time, I call him.

Boyfriends – pah! My ex-husband told me we were soulmates, said he’d never felt like this before and that we should be together. Then, once he’d won me over with his candied words and promises of hope, he abused the hell out of me, left me homeless, jobless, penniless and in debt!

Other men aren’t interested. Seems I’m not the prize they’re looking for. All I get are deadbeats, down-and-outs and no-hopers who think they’re doing me a favour and think I’m really into them when I’m not, all I’m doing is smiling and listening, ‘cos I was brought up to be polite and not to upset. They take it as a green light, probably ‘cos they’re not used to it.

Mostly, I go through life by myself, doing my own thing, “minding my own business”, “keeping myself to myself”, I don’t ask for anything and I don’t give much either. People say I’m independent, feels more like I’m anonymous. If I died today, who would care? Would anybody even know?

Then sometimes (rarely) a man shows interest and at first I think “oh you, hmm, not up to much are you” but then I think – better go for it ‘cos there wont be no-one else, so I do. We arrange and date. The first one’s okay so we arrange a second, this time he looks bored (keeps checking his watch) and needs to leave at half past nine! He doesn’t call again and I now I start to obsess about him. I didn’t even like him much in the first place and now I’m obsessing!!! What is it about rejection that makes men attractive?

I don’t, like, want anything from anyone. I can make my own money (although even that’s a struggle nowadays), pay my own way, mend a plug, fill a hole, turn a screw. I’d like company but sometimes it costs too much (metaphorically and literally!!).

Throughout life, I’ve always had this feeling of everyone else being better than me – even poor people or people from a lower class – anybody really! I look at these loud-mouthed slappers, all dressed up in their boob tubes and glitter shadow, showing their crotches and too much cleavage, and I think – yeah, they’re better than me. I look at the ‘stuck ups’ who live in our village and drive their 4WDs – half a mile to the shop and back – and don’t even look my way when I smile and say “hello”. I see the smug-marrieds with their three-wheeler, all-terrain pushchairs, six-bedroomed new-builds, e-diaries full of appointments and ‘doings’ and I think yeah, they’re better than me. And they all pass me by, like I’m invisible.

I think of all the people in the past who have disrespected me (there are loads) and I think, why? Why did/do you disrespect me? And I want to scream it from the top of Sears Tower “WHY WONT YOU FUCKING RESPECT ME YOU BASTARDS!!!!!!!!!” I,d get their attention, perhaps even pity, but not respect.

The only time I got any real respect was when I became a little bit famous. It didn’t last long and nor did the respect. Seems everyone wanted to be my friend then. Soon as the fame went, so did they.

And then I realise – it’s not them, it’s me! I’m the one disrespecting myself. I’m letting them do those things, I’m letting them ‘get away with it’. They are stumbling through life (just like me), in a fogged up numbness, bumping into things, kicking over my little pot of self-esteem with their clumsy, rushing feet, worrying about their own miserable lot – and it really is not personal. And  I am doing both them and I a huge disservice by not telling them, showing them that their behaviour is not okay with me.

I cannot and will not gain anyone’s respect by stamping my feet, screaming my demand for it until my cheeks are read, my tonsils ache and my voice cracks. I will not gain respect by being a petulant, self-absorbed miserable blob, sulking because ‘they don’t respect me’.

I have to respect myself first and show other people how to do it too. Oh wow, so simple a lesson. I thought I’d been doing it all this time when actually I’ve been hanging around disrespectful people because that’s what I am used to and letting people push and pull me around because they think it’s what I want because I haven’t told them otherwise, until one day I go “I don’t want this actually” and wonder why they get all angry and yell at me.

Not anymore – I’m a changed woman! I’m ready to connect, to acknowledge, to smile, to hug, to love, to be with and be alone – to be and to become. Watch me fly. Come with me if you like.