Check out Sam Vaknin (you can get there via melove54, top of the page – link to YouTube video – or go to YouTube), self-proclaimed narcissist. Jees! That’s my husband! Well, not literally – I was not married to Sam Vaknin but the characteristics of him and my abusive ex are identical: the portrayal of grandiosity beyond reality, need to come across as perfect, constant tetchiness about the immediate environment, focus on self – yikes! Painful to watch. Then we get to see his poor wife! OMG! That’s me! Having to always look up to him, make him the focus, do his deeds, pretend like you have a say in the matter when the reality is you don’t!

It got me thinking about my relationship and how difficult it was for me, when I began to realise I was trapped in an abusive relationship, to garner support from anyone within our circle of friends, acquaintances and family. The problem was, because he was so accomplished at putting on this play, this facade, creating a great self-image, no-one saw or experienced him as I did. What they saw was what he wanted them to see: this brave, courageous and charming persona – so when I started to complain, the response I got was less than supportive. Most of them tried to make out that there was something wrong with me – there must be; that I was complaining about this ‘great’ man whom I was “lucky” to be with (yes, believe me, some people even said that to me!!). I understand now that there is a vast difference between narcissism and self-confidence. Here’s my take on it: 

• Narcissism is all about self. Self-confidence is inclusive. 
• Narcissism is about being better than………..Self-confidence is about being as good as you can possibly be and/or as good as everyone else.
• Narcissists want recognition and attention. Self-confident people want to do what they love and do it well.
• Narcissism is about entitlement. Self-confidence is about celebrating achievement.
• Narcissism is about projecting a false image. Self-confidence is about taking pride in what I know, what I have learned/studied and what I know I am good at.
• Narcissists lie. Self-confident people are goal-oriented and want to win but make no false promises. 
• Narcissists repress their emotions/feelings. Self-confident people possess freedom of expression.
• Narcissists are manipulative. Self-confident people are persuasive.
• Narcissists are motivated by power and control. Self-confident people are motivated by achievement.
• Narcissists are obsessed about appearance. Self-confident people care more about their abilities.
• Narcissists care little for human values. Self-confident people value being human.
• Narcissists value material possessions. Self-confident people value experience.
• Narcissists value notoriety. Self-confident people value dignity. 

Until recently (latter part of the 20th century), relationships were about survival and continuing the human race, I believe. My Grandparents got married because she needed a man to bring home the money that they used to buy food and put a roof over their heads and he needed a home-maker who would support him in going out and making the money – and they both needed each other to make babies! It was a perfect partnership. Emotional feelings, for the most part, didn’t figure and it’s been like that through time. Now, however, relationships have become exceedingly difficult because a lot of confusion exists as to their purpose. For most of us in the ‘westernised’ world, survival is pretty much handled now; single, couple, able-bodied, disabled, we can survive – even if not always under our own steam but there are systems and processes in place (pretty much – there are always exceptions of course) for us to get by. Procreating the human race, now, is unnecessary – the world is extensively over-populated. People no longer ‘need’ to have babies. Oh, but what about keeping the family name going? Leaving a legacy in my children? Maintaining the gene-pool continuum? All very valid reasons for procreating but all very selfish too. If we want to conserve the planet, we should stop breeding for a while. Mother Nature, I believe, is trying hard to redress the balance – how many couples do you know of who have had problems conceiving? Mother Nature’s way of suggesting we find other ways to fulfil ourselves but instead we go for IVF! That aside, if relationships are no longer about survival or procreation, what then are they about? 

I think relationships are about love – pure and simple! But what is that? Ah, well now, that is the big question! I think love is about getting back to oneness (‘one-ness’), which means that I can be totally at peace with who I am – and the role relationships play in that (all relationships not just love relationships but family, friends, colleagues – everyone!) is to hold a mirror up to me so that I get to really see who I am. At first it’s uncomfortable, ugly even, but after a while (a lifetime, maybe, of personal development and growth) if I can begin to fall in love with myself then I will – without even trying – be able to fall in love with everyone.

So, my abusive partner was reflecting that side of myself I have been neglecting so far. That side of me that can be manipulated, abused, controlled.  The low self-esteem, the total lack of attitude and assertion. Alongside that, he was also reflecting my steely independence, tenacity and strength that kept me fiercely independent and would not allow anyone to do anything for me and this provided him with something to chip at because it reflected his weakness and emotional neediness. In many ways I was weak: not blowing my own trumpet,  not standing up for what I believe in and not speaking out or asserting myself. But in other ways, I was incredibly strong to the point of (unconsciously) scaring people (most particularly men). For him, I was his mirror reflecting his belief that he would never be acceptable and the only way to get what he wanted, what he felt he was ‘entitled’ to was through a regime of bullying, control and abuse. But does this make abuse right? No! Of course not, but it doesn’t make it wrong either – it just is the way that it is (don’t ask me to explain this right now – I fear it’s more than a blog entry!). To perpetuate the attitude of: horrid abuser, nasty man – poor me, I’m a victim, is to keep things as they are. To change abuse and move beyond it in my relationships (thus ensuring I do not recreate it in the next one) demands that I transcend that attitude somehow. I end the trance (trance-end) by bringing a new awareness to it. For me it is about taking responsibility for bringing it into my life – wait a second! Not condoning it. This is not about blame. This is not the same as what he and his family were trying to do which was for me to believe that the abuse was my fault – not the same! NO! NO! NO! What I am advocating here is that I see that I chose to live this life lesson. I chose him for his mirror, for what he would reflect back at me so that I would get a chance to see it, become aware of it, feel it and then change it by (in my case) saying it’s not okay with me that you treat me that way so I am going – bye! And withdrawing myself from him, and thus, the situation. I see that by blaming him all this time has been keeping me in victim land. One finger pointing at him, and three at me! He has been my gift from God. Not in any wondrous way where I should get down on my knees and worship him. He is a bad man. He has is not an angel/gift. He has not done this consciously oh I will just manifest as a human abuser, which I know will be incredibly painful for me but I will do it for her – not like that. He has been my ‘gift from God’ in the same way that the grain of sand in the Oyster shell causes such permanent irritation, rubbing and rubbing away until – WOW – one day – a pearl appears. But it doesn’t happen with every Oyster (for every 1000 you open, you may only find 1 pearl). Why is that? Same as it is with humans I expect – some get it, some don’t. I know I have got this abuse thing now. It won’t happen again for me but I suspect my abusive partner is still the dud Oyster and will remain so because he hasn’t got it. Let’s hope I am wrong. 

So, relationships, now, are about growth and development – not survival and procreation. That’s how it should be but the conflict and confusion is happening because most people don’t understand this yet. Most people aren’t getting it! We are still trying to do relationships the old way – get married, breed, stay together forever, die and get buried in the family plot! I’m not saying there is anything wrong with that. It is absolutely the way many people would live as long as they are happen, fulfilled and in love. But for those of us who aren’t, we really should be asking ourselves why? And it may be that our development is in another direction.

 

The Kiss

This guy has come back into my life, having been out of it for the duration of my abusive marriage, and I’m not sure what to make of it. I’m into there being meaning to everything at the moment – nothing happens by accident. It’s all meant to be. And so everything has to have a meaning, or some higher purpose. Otherwise, what’s the point? What’s the point to any of this?

On the one hand, his appearance back on the horizon of my life has lifted me. He’s brought me joy this week because he’s been extremely attentive. It has done my self-esteem a lot of good. I’ve received emails almost daily and on the days I haven’t there have been phone calls. I’ve fallen asleep fantasising about how it would be to be together again, to melt into his arms and be held, to reconnect with whatever it is that bonds us. It fills me with love. And that’s a good feeling.

We’ve known each other since 1992 (17 years!) which makes him one of my longest running friendships. Although I hesitate to use the word ‘friendship’ because in many ways we are like acquaintances but in many others our relationship has been deeper and more touching than any I have known. Sometimes it feels like that ‘soulmate’ thing but yet there are aspects to it that get in the way of us being in a relationship together. For one, he’s married. I know I should dump him pronto, put it all down to a slight slip of the halo, one of life’s little mistakes and move on, never once uttering his name or thinking about him ever again. But that would be to deny what is going on, which I may at this stage understand little about but which is much bigger than the both of us and cannot be simply shut away in a box somewhere and put with all the other stuff that gets buried in the life garbage sack. “But what about his poor wife and family!!!?” Well, for one I am not a threat to them. Never have been. I don’t want him to leave her for me. I would rather he left her for him, if that is indeed his journey, at some stage or if their marriage came to a natural end for whatever reason and he feels he wants to move on.

If, at that stage, it’s right for us to be together then – great! If not, fine. So, don’t worry. I’m not a home wrecker and not about to become one. There’s an age difference of fifteen years (he’s older), which has never bothered me but I think it does him. I don’t see a 60-year old when I think of him. I see him and he could be 20 or 100! Some people show their age but to me he doesn’t because the connection between us is not just physical it’s spiritual and that’s ageless.

But the fact that he’s unavailable is interesting, there’s a pattern there for me. I have chosen a lot of men in my life who have been unavailable.

My father was unavailable, emotionally, for much of my childhood, older childhood in particularly. My soon-to-be-ex husband was unavailable that way too. In between times there have been numerous ‘unavailables’ I have gravitated towards. And, by the same token, there have been numerous ‘availables’ I have lost interest in pretty quickly because (I suspect) of the very fact that they are available.

And then there’s M (we’ll call him M, no particular reason, just the first thing that came into my head). When we first met, he was a client. I fell for him immediately. There was a real magnetism, for me at least. He was so much older but I found him so attractive. He seemed the direct opposite of my father; driven, ambitious and strong. He seemed, at the time, quite out of my league, something to aim for. Every time I saw him, my heart would (literally) skip a beat and I’d get all excited and fuzzy-headed and get all school-girl and inept all of a sudden, which wasn’t really like me. I’d catch myself saying stupid things in his company, things I would never say to anyone else, or things I meant to say would come out all wrong when normally I would be quite articulate. It got that it was impossible to concentrate when I was in his company. Not great when he was a client. I knew he was married; occasionally we would have downtime between company meeting and he would talk proudly of his family. I liked that, not that he was married but that he was a loving and doting dad (unlike mine). I didn’t ever think the fact that he was married would be a problem because (don’t forget) he was ‘out of my league’.

We didn’t start having an affair until years later, after I’d left the company. We stayed in touch, I can’t remember how or why but we did. All I can remember is that it was a mutual thing, he wanted to as much as me.

In the intervening years I did once have a dream about us together, making out. It was a proper dream, not an imagined fantasy. From then on, to me at least, he became ‘the man of my dreams’. The dream was very vivid and the reality (as it turned out) was not dissimilar. We didn’t have sex, however, until five years ago around the time of my 40^th birthday. We’d come quite close several times. What we had done, however, had been pretty hot and extremely seductive.

The sex itself wasn’t the passionate, free and spontaneous love-making of my dream but tinged with awkwardness and (I am guessing) regret (although not on my part). We only did it the once but rather than being the start of something I had hoped for it actually seemed to signify the end of our relationship as I’d known it up to then.  He went quiet and didn’t contact me for months. I’d got used to that. M had always been like that; either full on or nothing. I’d got used to getting my hopes up and letting my imagination run wild for a few weeks and then having to wrap all my fantasies back up in tissue again and put them away in the storage box until the next time he was ready. Yes, I know, he was very much in control of when and how much we saw of each other – and there goes another pattern in my life – the controlling male. Except in M’s case, it wasn’t like the same kind of control as my ex-husband. It didn’t make me feel squashed or undermined. If anything, I put it down to him taking charge and I liked that, so I let him.

But just after my 40^th birthday, my self—esteem was at such a low ebb. Dad and I had had a major bust up. He’d been really pissy and awkward that I had not had the sort of celebratory party he’d wanted me to have (a private, quiet, family doo). Instead I had organised a party for 40 close friends in our local village hall. I’d hired a Karaoke and disco and got caterers in. I was short of money, so Dad had offered (weeks before) to pay for something. I’d thanked him kindly and asked if he would pay for the Karaoke, which he agreed but then, the day before I went to collect it and had no money left in the bank, he changed his mind saying he didn’t like Karaoke and wouldn’t pay for it. I said I wish he had told me sooner and he told me that if I couldn’t afford to pay for things I shouldn’t get them! It meant I had to borrow the money from a friend to pay for the karaoke (thank God I have been blessed with great mates!). That, and the fact that there was a woman at the rowing club (of which I was a member) who’d taken a dislike to me and was making my time there miserable and this bloke (from the same place) who was giving me the run around. So, just after my birthday, my self-esteem was too low to deal with the ‘love ‘em and leave ‘em’ attitude of the man of my dreams. He still occupied much of my thoughts but I resigned myself to the fact that our relationship had changed and I probably would not see him again. Then, of course, I met my husband who as we all know was looking for a vulnerable yet strong woman to ‘feed’ his habit – and the rest is history as they say!

During the good times, it hadn’t all been physical with M either – although that was the primary driver (I’ve never reacted like I did with him with any other man in my whole life. He could turn me on just by standing close!). We had good conversation too. That said, in the last seventeen years, we have hardly seen each other, yet every time we do it seems (clichéd as it sounds) like it was only yesterday! There’s no catching up, straight back in there where we left off and even though each of us has been through so much in our lives separate from each other, it seems like he and I are travelling along the same path together as spiritual beings in this human experience.

That brings me nicely to now…….

So, he calls me last week, just for a chat but it soon gets round to flirting. I like it. It makes me feel good. Brings back all the wonderful feelings of the past, our past. And after the call they stay with me and I’m off on this fantasy – again – of me and him together – again. Making love. But it feels different this time. It’s not that it’s not as nice, far from it, or that I want him any less. It’s just that I don’t need him anymore. There’s a very subtle but vast difference between wanting someone’s affection and needing it and I recognised this week that I still feel the same about the guy but I don’t need him anymore. It feels good, healthy. Gives me all the pleasure of being able to fantasise without the emotional neediness.

He wants to meet up but he’s not sure when. I understand, his business is suffering at the moment and life is a constant fire fight for him. I understand that. But he seems to forget that it’s like that for me too, in my situation. I am not so free as I was. I am having to work my ass off to pay £1000/$1600/month solicitors bills just to keep my ex from dragging me down into the shitty place he’s in right now – and I don’t mind paying if it means I keep control of my life and my finances from now on. So far it is working but it demands a lot of commitment and hard work. I also have a dog and I am not willing to just drop everything a leave him on his own in my house for 8-10 hours while I go off and indulge myself in great sex!

But then, what I’ve noticed with M too when he wants to meet up is that there are always a thousand other things he has to do first, people he has to satisfy or comply with before he can possibly, maybe, perhaps have some time for me. I am beginning to feel like I don’t deserve that kind of vagueness in my life anymore. I’m human too. I’m important too – leastways to me and I deserve to be put top of the list by someone just once in a while. M is not in a position to do that. I accept that. But is it okay with me? No. No, not really. Not anymore. But then, I cannot imagine my life without him.

So, then he says Thursday is a good day for us to meet up – but then he remembers his son is going to be around so we decide that is not such a good plan. I have met his son before, many years ago and we could explain it away (as we did then because it was true) that his father and I are work acquaintances and we both happened to be in the same part of the country so we decided to meet up. But his son is now a grown man and M and I have known each other for over 17 years and I don’t think he’d buy it. So, then M says Tuesday is the only other possibility but it looks likely he has a work commitment for dinner so probably not, but maybe. And there’s the vagueness again. There was a time, many years ago, when I would have travelled all the way down to where he was and hang around by myself just in case the possibility happened and then if it didn’t I would have come home disappointed but that is not me anymore. That’s way in the past. So, I say, Okay well never mind. There will be other times and he says well we’ll see.

Tuesday evening he calls me at 8:20pm, apparently his work thing didn’t materialise and he asks if I will get in the car and go down there. It’s only an hour, I’d be there at 9:30pm whereupon he’d have some Thai food waiting for me and …………he would have called earlier but the phone has been going none stop so he didn’t get the chance.

I thought about it. I really did. I was hugely tempted but then it just felt like the same old stuff all over again. The same old crumbs of love and affection I have been feeding off all my life and I have been living the consequences of the subsequent emotional malnourishment ever since. I thought about how fantastic it would be too see him again, to melt into his arms, make love, talk, be with each other, to touch him, hold him……………………………but then what? More of the same vagueness – when will I see you again – dunno, excuses – I’m really busy and then there’s the family, reasons why not – I can’t commit to you, I’ve got this family thing going on. He wanted me, I could tell by his voice, he wanted me so badly and when I said no and suggested that perhaps he try and give me more notice next time so I can prepare myself he goes all cold and “yeah, whatever” on me. I know it was disappointment but he could at least try and understand. Why does it all have to be about him?

After I put the phone down, I was so tempted to jump in the car and just go. But this higher part of me knew it was wrong and that I had actually – disappointing as it might have been for both of us – done the right thing. Stupidly, I expected to hear form him the very next day with a suggestion for a day next week when we can meet up, which gives me plenty of time to ‘prepare’ (that is the other thing men do not understand – we women need to prepare for these things physically. It may seem trivial but it’s important to feel confident and making sure I look my best). But I get nothing but phone, email and text – silence! Having phoned, emailed and texted me – every day for about ten days, now there is nothing.

I think I know what this is about, but I am still not sure. As I have mentioned, I am reading about Radical Forgiveness and I know that this is all part of my journey (his journey too but this is my blog, it’s about me!). It is part of what I need to complete and forgive in order to diffuse the energy of that ‘not deserving love’ thing of mine and  ‘not deserving the best’. But this one is a biggy and (unlike the sheep episode with the dog the other day) it may take some time. Whether M is around for the whole of that process or not, I don’t know. Whether our relationship changes as a result of my going through that process or not, I don’t know. Whether we end up fulfilling our fantasy one last time or even forever, or whether he disappears out of my life completely, I’ve no idea but really none of that matters. What matters is that I am willing to go through this and start accepting that I do deserve love – and lots of it from (in my case) a man and whether that man is M or not, well…………………………………

Some of you reading this may well be talking to yourselves about the one thing I have mentioned little, which is his wife. His poor wife. What about her? Well, indeed, what about her? I hate that I am the sort of person who does this. I hate being an adulterer! It does not make me feel proud or good about myself. The fact that it goes on, with millions of couples all over the planet does not make it any easier to accept either. Has my relationship with her husband hurt her? It would be easy to say – no, not at all because she doesn’t even know about it but I don’t know that for sure and not only that it is out there in the ether and she will be picking up on it somehow. Even if it is not consciously, even if it is just through the irritation in her husband’s voice as he walks through the door this weekend or that he is behaving distantly. It’ll be getting through somehow. And it has been done to me, I know how it feels. None of this makes it right on any level. Except that it gives me another opportunity for forgiveness. This time, forgiving myself.

There are so many things I need to work on radically forgiving. So many people I need to let go of and forgive, radically, including myself. I have much work to do. But I know it will take me to a place where I can then begin to manifest positively the things and conditions in life I really want. That’s why I believe I am not a threat to M’s wife. I don’t want what she has: the solid marriage to a wonderful man, the large house, the active and full social life, the loving family, the success – none of it! And that’s a lie because I do want all of those things. But it’s also a lie too because I really have no idea if she has all that. I am just guessing that she does, it’s my perception that she does but reality might be that she doesn’t or even (ironically) that she does but she doesn’t want it, she wants something else! I think what would be really smart here is to acknowledge that I really (we none of us really) has any clue what’s going on because we make it all up anyway. This whole thing – life – it’s all made up fantasy. Oh yeah, I pretend I know what’s going on and so do lots of other people but the truth is we don’t. And therein lies the miracle! If we don’t have a clue what is going on, then we can make it up anyway we choose. And that’s great because that gives me control over the outcome of every area of my life – in the relationships I have with everything and everyone – people, money, my relationship to the planet – everything!

So, now there is silence. No phone calls, emails, texts – nothing. And I don’t know if that is because he is disappointed, confused or perhaps he just doesn’t really care for me that much but then if that were the case, what have the past 17 years been about? I cannot help thinking though, that if I had jumped in my car, abandoned the dog on Tuesday night and gone down and stayed with him that it would have been the same, that there would have been nothing but silence and regret (on his part).

I could write his story too but I’d be making it up. I think I know his story but I really don’t. All I do know with any certainty is mine. I can only guess at his and what would be the point of that?

The great thing about all this though is how my feelings have changed and moved on into a whole lot healthier place. It used to be that this intense pursuing, leading to a night of passion and then complete silence would throw me into a thought spiral that would ultimately lead to depression (albeit temporary) out of which I would drag myself by becoming resentful and bitter about M pretending to myself well I didn’t like him that much anyway. But I don’t see it that way anymore and I don’t feel that way either. I don’t get depressed when he doesn’t call me. It just is the way that it is. I get on with my life, filling it with good things and people who can give me the feast of love I so want and deserve. Perhaps that’s why I am running out of room in my life for M.

But for M and I, I don’t think it is about being together 24/7. I don’t think it has ever been about that. I watched one of my favourite movies on TV yesterday: The Bridges of Madisson County, in which an Italian housewife, married to a farmer from Ohio becomes romantically linked to a photographer from National Geographic for four summer days. Not only does she discover her passion that has lain dormant for all the years she has devoted herself to her husband and kids but they discover this deep spiritual connection, a certainty about which only ever happens once in a lifetime. There are some great lines in the film and I get totally lost in it. It’s the only film I have ever seen in which Merril Streep and Clint Eastwood disappear for me and become these characters. One of my favourite lines is where Robert Kincaid (Eastwood) says to Frances (Streep): “It feels like everything I’ve ever done in my whole life, every trip I have ever taken has been bringing me here, to you.” But they never do get together beyond those four days. She chooses to honour her commitments to her family because she knows that the guilt she would carry with her if she left them to be with him would destroy every ounce of what they had. She stays with her family and buries all of her memories of those four days in a box in the house along with (at a later date) his things which upon his death he has requested be sent to her. The saddest and yet most joyful part of that film for me is at the end upon her death when she (even though she is Roman Catholic) requests a cremation so that her ashes can be thrown from Rosamund Bridge, the start of it all and the place where his ashes had been scattered some years earlier. She says in a letter to her kids (who are by now adults): “I have given my whole life to you and your father, now I want Robert to have what is left of me.” It’s a beautiful story and chimes so much with M and I’s own. I used to hope (but I am now not so sure) that we are actually meant to ‘be together’ forever more. I don’t think that is what it is about for us. Or maybe it is – I don’t know.

Moreover, we are on this spiritual journey together and that’s as it should be. Where it takes us and what happens to us or what choices we are going to have to face along that journey, I’ve no idea but that doesn’t matter. What matters is how we face each day and what we do with those choices and how that enables each of us to grow closer to God, that’s what really matters.

 

Michael Jackson 1958-2009

God bless you Michael. May you rest in peace and may your music live on. You were five years older than me and when you were at your height (1978-87) I wasn’t paying much attention. Wish I had. Interestingly, the music I was paying attention to has all but disappeared (except U2 – my all time favourite band) but yours has endured. I love Earth Song. It’s true, the Earth has a cancer – it’s called the Human Race! 

I had a dream about you once: we were both trying to help each other escape. I’ll never forget. I’m not done here yet but when I am, I hope you’ll be waiting.

Today, I want to write about what it’s like to be the victim in an abusive relationship being accused of being a perpetrator of violence against one’s own perpetrator, about the guilty feelings and how that, in itself, silences any idea of complaining – to the authorities – to anyone! It has taken me a while to come to terms with my own violence in my abusive relationship but over time (being out of the situation) I have developed a healthy understanding and I feel ready to disclose without fear of accusation or retribution.

The guilt I felt about the anger and violence I discharged on my husband during our three-year marriage was a major cause of concern for me. I felt guilty for a long time and he knew it. He knew just how to make me react like a scared puppy whose owner arrives home to a littered house. The dog hasn’t done anything wrong (wasn’t his fault he was left too long) but because it can smell the irritation on its owner and interpret the angry facial expression, it adopts a guilty stance. That was me; every time he spat: “but you hit me too” I adopted that guilty puppy stance – because he was right – I had! But what I was too traumatised to acknowledge (and he wouldn’t admit) was the difference between the reason I did it and the reason he did it, which made the accusation of me being a perpetrator completely wrong and unjustified.

My husband claims I have attacked him numerous times during our marriage; that I subjected him to extreme violence and aggression, that I beat him, threw things at him, yelled and screamed abuse at him and so on. I have given him cause to make those accusations, but I have never attacked him.

He has subjected me to a sustained campaign of abuse, intimidation, manipulation, bullying, violence, aggression and so on. The first time I reported him to the Police, the officer asked me “have you hit him?” to which I replied “yes” because I had. He said that as far as the Police were concerned it would be very difficult, in that case, to ‘prove’ any crime against me by my husband because it would be his word against mine. He predicted a counter claim.

Firstly, please bear in mind that by this stage I had endured dozens of attacks, violence, bullying (and all the other aforementioned) from my husband before I even went to the Police in the first place. I do not say that to justify my actions but to paint a true picture of the situation. Also, whereas I hit my husband with open hands (and I am not a fighter nor trained in any form of combat, martial arts or self-defence), my husband used a weapon against me, a walking stick mostly. Does that make me any less guilty than him? Well, yes, I believe it does – and here’s why:

I didn’t ‘attack’ my husband as he claims. I did not use violence against him in a premeditated, intentionally harmful manner. I, either, used violence to defend myself against his violence towards me or in response to his intimidation, bullying, anger, manipulation etc., etc. There is a huge difference and it’s what makes one person the perpetrator and the other the victim, in my view. My husband’s actions (whatever motivation lay behind them) were designed to ‘do me in’, belittle me, undermine me, hurt me, control me, manipulate me, and so on. My actions were intended to stop the situation, stop him doing all those things to me, end the violence, stop the abuse. It was never about doing those things to him. I can honestly say, hand-on-heart, that I never attacked him with the sole intention of hurting him or harming him in any way. Therefore, I believe, I have never attacked him – full stop! I have got angry and yelled and screamed in the hope that it would show him that he could not treat me that way and shut him up but I have never actually set out to ‘do him in’ – even when it could have been called justifiable ‘revenge’. Even now, going through the divorce and separation of the business interests (during which, as you can imagine, he is still employing his tactics) none of my actions is motivated by any need, want or desire to do him in. All of my actions are designed, intentionally, to show him (and everyone else involved) that I will not be bullied, manipulated, undermined and so on and so forth. They are also intended to limit the damage that could be caused to both of us through his negligent pig-headedness.

I often wondered, when he had driven me almost to breaking point and I was standing in front of him, fists clenched, purple in the face from screaming, two inches away from his face, why he never showed any fear.

I would have, and I did when he did it to me – I tried to get away from him as quickly as I could. But he didn’t once try and run away from me. He told his parents that I scared him, but it didn’t make sense because you don’t hang around people who scare you – and he did. He’d stay right there and keep pushing – push, push, push, hoping that I’d really lose it and run him through with a knife or something so he would have something really serious he could accuse me of but I never did. He knew I never would and that’s why he wasn’t scared. He had nothing to be scared of because I wasn’t out to do him in – unlike him.

I have mentioned this before but the most predominant emotion I felt throughout the whole of my marriage was anger. I used to feel angry 90% of the time (the other 10% I felt depressed, which is the same – anger turned inwards, I have since read). He accused me of being out of control, said I was a thug and told his parents that I got angry with him and hit him. His father told me I had a problem with anger and should go and seek anger management counselling – so I did! So desperate was I to make our marriage work that I believed him. I was prepared, at the time, to do anything to make it work and so I arranged to go for counselling (even though I was of the view that it was my husband who had the anger problem).

I disclosed everything to the counsellor. I told him about our marriage and the problems we were having. I told him about my husband and myself and told him how much I loved him and wanted to make it work and that I hadn’t even realised I had a problem with anger until my father-in-law had mentioned it, whereupon I’d thought maybe he had a point.

Having listened to me talk about all this for a whole hour, the counsellor (who was standing to make around £600 out of me if I took the course), turned to me and said: “I don’t think you have an anger problem. From what you have told me, I think your anger is a justifiable response to unreasonable behaviour from your husband and that for the most part you have it under control.”

It was then I began to realise that if I wanted to move away from anger and violence, I had to move away from our marriage.

Having been separated from my husband for almost a year, I now know this to be true. I cannot think of one single time I have been angry or felt prolonged outrage since (except once or twice when I have had to deal with him).

When is violence justified?

I also do not feel guilty anymore about defending myself against his regime. I feel justified. I have often thought about the question: when is violence justified? I guess every head of state in world has asked themselves that self same question before declaring war on their neighbours.

Being a peaceful person at heart, I find it hard to justify any. I am certainly not a supporter of war or violence in any shape or form, but having lived through four years of an abusive relationship, I can understand why victims display violence and anger too. But I have also come to realise that, as with war, it doesn’t actually solve or achieve anything and in that sense it is not the answer. It doesn’t stop the abuse or violence from the perpetrator nor does it shut up their verbal attacks and emotional undermining. If anything, it feeds their campaign and it does this in three ways:

1) Whilst the victim is being angry and violent, they are giving their power away to the perpetrator and thus, unwittingly, putting them in a position of power and control (which is exactly what the perpetrator wants).

2) It feeds the perpetrator ammunition with which to sustain their campaign of accusation and undermining.

3) It gives the victim a sense of powerlessness and thus makes them feel bad about themselves, which ultimately undermines their confidence and self-esteem, which is already at a low ebb – again, what the perpetrator wants.

Most people I have talked to are of the opinion my actions were justified, that I had been pushed beyond the boundaries of self-restraint to a place where I had no option. Now, that may be so, but it doesn’t stop me from wishing I hadn’t done it, wishing I could have been more composed, able to ‘turn the other cheek’ and not have been pushed into a reaction. But I did and I was and so I have to live with that. But I take comfort from the fact that, for me, anger is not a problem merely an emotion.

I reckon domestic abuse (of one form or another) has been going on in marriages and intimate or family relationships since the millennia. What makes me say this? Well, the number of women I meet, older women usually, who say: “Oh, yeah. My husband was like that but I just put up with it. We stayed together until the kids left home and then I left him ‘cos I’d had enough.” I reckon loads of women out there (who have left marriages) were in abusive relationships and didn’t even know it. They knew it felt bad, perhaps even had an inkling it was wrong but didn’t know what they could do about it or that they didn’t deserve it, so they just ‘put up with it’.

When I look back through my life and think about everyone I know who has separated or got divorced, I think it is likely there was some form of abuse going on for them to have left and in the majority of cases it was the woman who was being abused. Why do you suppose more men have second or multiple marriages than women? I’ll tell you: because if a woman has been married for a long time and endured abuse and she then plucks up the enormous courage required to leave him and go solo, she then discovers how good her life can be lived on her own terms, lived freely and without compromise and she thinks – why the hell would I want to risk losing all this and go and be someone’s ‘wife’ again?!! The abusive partner, on the other hand (who in this example is a man) thinks – right, got to find my next victim, my next ‘house-keeper’, slave, substitute mummy!

The time is right for really creating awareness about abuse, what it is, what it does to people (victim and perpetrator) so that it cannot go undercover anymore, so that it is no longer a ‘taboo’ subject and so that people will feel okay about coming forward and saying: “NO! That is not okay!” When I was young, a woman being slapped on the bottom by an amorous boss had to just keep shstum. Sex discrimination didn’t exist – and it’s not that long ago (I’m not that old!). Now, the majority of workers understand the boundaries in that sense. We need to do the same for abuse – in all its forms. Make people aware so that we can, globally, begin to change our habits around it and it becomes as unacceptable as drink-driving and child abuse and the perpetrators have few places to hide.

 

The Wedding Hat

I went to a wedding at the weekend; the daughter of a best friend of mine (who also happened to be a bridesmaid at my wedding four years ago). I’d not expected to receive an invitation but was happy to accept with glee when I did. I was looking forward to getting all dressed up and showing everyone this confident, happy, sorted woman (they are all vaguely aware of my recent situation). I started planning almost immediately I got the invitation and put a lot of work in getting an outfit that said 1) “I’ve arrived” and 2) “I’m okay – more than okay actually” and (just for good measure) 3) “Older women can be confident, sexy and don’t give a stuff what other people think or say about them!!!!”. 

I pulled it off; bought a dress and hired this most amazing hat (see picture – my Marmite hat I called it. You either love it or hate it. I LOVED IT!!!), which EVERYBODY noticed and most people commented favourably on. 

The wedding was a joy. I know the family well and so had lots of ‘friends’ there but then I also made an effort to talk to as many people I didn’t know as possible. The bride’s mother (my friend) and father are divorced and I’d never met her father, although his mother has told me all about him. I was expecting to meet a grumpy, bitter, sad, old man – not the tall, handsome, articulate and gentlemanly chap I was introduced to. That was the first surprise of the event. The next one came in the form of a couple of conversations I had with other members of the family who (obviously) from what I am about to reveal have ‘issues’. Firstly, another daughter. A couple of years older than the bride who gave a sterling effort at being ‘the ugly sister’ all through the event (and from what I can understand during the run up to it). I have been told she suffers from manic depression and her excuse for being a complete and utter shit is that she is currently ‘not well’. I would put it simpler than that. I would say she is just plain jealous! 

This girl is THE classic example of someone ‘waiting’ for life to make her happy. She thinks that someone or something is going to come along and make her better. A magic potion, pill or treatment will heal her. A man will come into her life and devote himself to taking care of her. In the meantime, everyone around her will live in abstract misery like she does so that she wont get to feel bad. She treats me as a big sister, someone to moan to. Stupidly, I (being the nice person I am) have thus far allowed it, even though the silly cow has been nothing but rude and brash with me since I first met her. Apparently, though, I have something of a calming effect on her (so her family have told me). So, guess who I was seated next to at the reception! ? Yes, that’s right. The ugly sister! She wasted no time in trying to make me feel bad for being happy to be there, bending my ear manically with religious philosophy and other spoutings that to be honest I didn’t really understand. She was pretending (I think) to show me that she was far more educated than me, espousing big words and sayings from the bible and great literature. At first I just nodded and smiled politely but then after a while I just said “I really do not have a clue what you are talking about.” To which she replied “You must! Surely, you must. Have you not read …..(whatever the fuck title it was she was banging on about)?” To which I replied “No, I have better things to do.” She kept doing a disapearing act and each time everyone got in a flap and kept saying “OMG, do you think she’ll be okay?” Shall we try and find her?” Her mother’s boyfriend even suggested at one point that I “take care of her”. Fuck me – I thought! Is that why they invited me to this wedding so’s I could look after the ugly sister? I’ve gotta admit that for a few minutes the next time she disappeared I even felt a twinge of guilt, kept thinking they were going to find her hanging by her nylons from a beam in the ladies loos and all eyes would be one me: “TW! We asked you one simple thing – to take care of [shit face] and you didn’t! What have you got to say for yourself!?” 

It reminded me of the similarities in situation with my abusive husband. He would not take responsibility for himself either and hated it when everyone was enjoying themselves around him. He seemed to like nothing more than making people miserable (primarily me!) and would stop at nothing to do so. Shit face was the same. I felt like asking: “What would make you happy shit face? For us all to be as miserable as you? Would that really make you happy? Really?” Would you feel good about yourself that you have spoiled your sister’s wedding and made everyone feel miserable? What the fuck do you want little girl?” 

The remarkable thing about it is that this is how people like that dominate – by pissing people off, or using emotional blackmail and then when they get a reaction they go into their “don’t hurt me, I’m ill” act and the target of their campaign can do nothing but walk away and seeth or respond angrily and risk being branded the “devil’s spawn”. All I know is that there seems to be a few people in my life who are practised at it and have it honed to a fine art. I also know that I cannot get away with it. If I tried to use those tactics everyone in my life would disappear!! and quick!!

I feel sad for her though because being the way she is she will never be able to manifest what she wants in life which is to be loved. No-one will ever want to be around her for long if she does not change the way she is and I don’t think she can because I think she has the same problem as my ex in that she doesn’t think it is her who is at fault but the rest of the world and everyone in it. They just cannot see it her way and that makes her so cross. What can you say to people like that? If I said to her: “[name], take responsiblity for yourself. Do things (for other people, for example) that make you proud and feel good about being who you are and don’t expect the world to devote itself to making you happy.” she will undoubtedly accuse me of being cruel. 

There is a huge lesson in here for me too. I don’t want this sort of person in my life anymore and I seem to have developed over time into the sort of person who accommodates them nicely. It started with my father, who is still in my life and still succeeding in dominating (funny how the stronger and more healed I am getting the more ill, decrepit and requiring of attention he is becoming). These people infiltrate my work life too. I have had numerous clients with certain ‘qualities’. It is time I let them all go.

Is it true that you can only forgive people who want to be forgiven? 

I’ve been thinking about forgiveness a lot lately. The word has been coming into my life spontaneously. Whilst I understand the principle, I am finding it VERY, VERY difficult to even think about that word in the context of my soon-to-be ex – let alone do it! And I have realised there is a very good reason for that and that is he doesn’t feel he needs to be forgiven. He doesn’t think he has done anything wrong or is doing anything wrong (we are in the process of divorce and he is being a complete arse. He even staged a sit in at my solicitor’s office the other day. He wasn’t even meant to be there. He had phoned and demanded a meeting with her and she told him “No! It doesn’t work like that. I am representing your wife.” and he ignored it and turned up anyway. In the end they threatened to call the Police and he left). So, given the sort of character he is and his mind set, you can appreciate my struggle with forgiving him. 

I know forgiveness does NOT mean ‘condoning’ something. So, for example, I have forgiven my ex-employer for over-charging clients without actually condoning or agreeing with his actions. It caused me a lot of problems at the time but I understand why he did it, he realised it was wrong, apologised for the problems it caused me and ……………we’ve all moved on, even though I still think it was wrong. 

So, to forgive my husband for what he has done would not mean condoning it or accepting it was my fault in any way, it would be about understanding why he did it and accepting it happened. And, I guess that is the bit I am struggling with because (although I understand a great deal more about his mind-set and motivations than I did a year ago) I still don’t fully understand. Not only that but he keeps on doing it. At least my boss saw the error of his ways and stopped doing it. 

But I guess that is one key thing that I and everyone else has to understand about abusers is that they will NEVER see that they are wrong or that their behaviour is unjustified and unacceptable and that makes forgiveness very hard – if not impossible! 

When he was being persecuted by the Jews, JC said: “Forgive them, father, for they know not what they do.” Is that true of abusive people? Do they not know what they are doing? I have read various theories and ideas that suggest abusers are very aware of what they are doing, which is how they can turn it on and off – just like that! They can beat their wife in a frenzy of anger and aggression and then, when the Police arrive, be cool, calm and collected while she stands there an emotional gibbering wreck!

My theory is that abusers DO NOT WANT TO BE FORGIVEN because that would be an acknowledgement  that what they are doing is wrong. In that sense, making it impossible for their victims to forgive them is part of the abuse, a continuation of their control and – therefore – the perfect reason to forgive them in my view. But how?

This is interesting: Initially, Fritzl pleaded not guilty to murdering his child through neglect but he changed his plea at the last minute – and without consultation with his lawyer who then claimed Fritzl had done it after watching the video evidence from his daughter. In a BBC report, lawyer Rudolf Mayer, is quoted as saying: “He was really destroyed by his emotion……………….It was possible for him to feel for the first time the feelings of his daughter.” Fritzl’s lawyer also tried to blame his actions [Fritzl’s] on a damaging childhood and the fact that his mother used to beat and mistreat him.

Nice try but we all know this man has no feelings. How could he and do what he did? I prefer the theory of Professor Jeremy Coid, professor of forensic psychiatry at Queen Mary College, University of London, who is quoted in a separate BBC report as saying:

“This is a man who is very private; and he has to be in control. While Fritzl might like to say he changed his plea after hearing his daughter’s emotional evidence – that for the first time he was able to understand his daughter’s feelings – from what I know of similar offenders, I would be extremely skeptical.

When the trial started, I’m sure Fritzl believed he was going to use his day in court to deny some of the charges and to portray himself as a good father, who was not as bad as people might think.

But, he is obviously socially avoidant and anxious in social situations. In court, he was confronted by the reality of the situation. He was no longer in control – facing the court and the media’s flashbulbs would have been unbearable for him.

We saw him covering his face – this was not just to hide from the media but because it was painful for him to be exposed.

A confession allowed this whole process to stop. We shouldn’t see this as an admission of remorse.

Among incest offenders, Fritzl is down the heavy duty end – a sadist who is intensely perverted.

Offending in the way he did would have made him feel grandiose. Raping his daughter and acting out his perversions would have given him sadistic pleasure.

To me it was interesting that he [acted out his perversions] within his own home. He has previously been convicted of a sexual offence. My hunch is that he wasn’t any good at offending outside the home.

This socially avoidant part of his personality would have caused him to withdraw from the trial.”

I disagree with Coid’s last point. I would say that it was his ingrained sense of having to be in control and be right that made him change his mind and plead guilty – without consulting his lawyer first. By doing so, he put himself firmly in control again – perhaps he didn’t get the outcome he originally wanted (which was to portray himself as a caring father and not a deviant monster) but to abusers the outcome is often a much less important issue than being in control and being right. My husband, for example, was willing to be ‘dead right’; he was not scared of death but absolutely petrified (although he would never admit it) of being controlled and made wrong.

It is also said that he (Fritzl) recognised his daughter in court when she turned up in disguise one day. I would argue that it is not so much that he recognised her but that he recognised an opportunity to use her – one last time – to rebuild his façade, his lie, thus: “See, I am a caring person. I have owned up to my sins and apologised, now the public must see that I am not a monster.” This, as we all know, is a classic tool in the cycle of abuse that abusers use: abuse, apologise, charm, abuse, apologise, charm and so on.

Monsters they may be, but abusers are extremely clever thinkers – like chess players. No matter what the game, nor who the opponent, they will always outsmart – even to the point of destruction.

The sad thing is, I suspect, Fritzl and those like him will keep on abusing – even in prison or psychiatric units. As long as he is alive, he will do so. The only way to stop him doing so is to keep him away, in solitary confinement, from any other living beings (human and animal). I believe he will get the last word – again! I believe he will find a way to take his own life as a final stand in being in consummate control (you read it here first!).

The fact that Josef Fritzl ‘got away with it’ for so long, I fear, is a problem exacerbated by our detached and fragmented societies where ‘community’ has been weakened by people moving around, not staying in one place for more than a few years, getting on with their lives and leaving others to get on with theirs – no questions asked.

What is the solution? It’s a difficult one. Coming from a certain part of Europe, I do not want to go back to the ‘curtain twitching’ communities of old where your every move was scrutinised and gossiped about. That would be sad, but if we are to combat the plague of abuse and mistreatment that exists, globally, behind closed doors, we need to claw back some sense of public spiritedness where it becomes okay to take an interest in others – not from the point of view of being able to gossip about them but from the point of view of humanity and respect. We have a responsibility, both individually and as communities, to facilitate this but in a manner that is inclusive and not divisive. It is a big ask – a huge ask – and the basis of any peace programme. Perhaps it is too much to ask but at least we can try.