Today, I want to write about what it’s like to be the victim in an abusive relationship being accused of being a perpetrator of violence against one’s own perpetrator, about the guilty feelings and how that, in itself, silences any idea of complaining – to the authorities – to anyone! It has taken me a while to come to terms with my own violence in my abusive relationship but over time (being out of the situation) I have developed a healthy understanding and I feel ready to disclose without fear of accusation or retribution.

The guilt I felt about the anger and violence I discharged on my husband during our three-year marriage was a major cause of concern for me. I felt guilty for a long time and he knew it. He knew just how to make me react like a scared puppy whose owner arrives home to a littered house. The dog hasn’t done anything wrong (wasn’t his fault he was left too long) but because it can smell the irritation on its owner and interpret the angry facial expression, it adopts a guilty stance. That was me; every time he spat: “but you hit me too” I adopted that guilty puppy stance – because he was right – I had! But what I was too traumatised to acknowledge (and he wouldn’t admit) was the difference between the reason I did it and the reason he did it, which made the accusation of me being a perpetrator completely wrong and unjustified.

My husband claims I have attacked him numerous times during our marriage; that I subjected him to extreme violence and aggression, that I beat him, threw things at him, yelled and screamed abuse at him and so on. I have given him cause to make those accusations, but I have never attacked him.

He has subjected me to a sustained campaign of abuse, intimidation, manipulation, bullying, violence, aggression and so on. The first time I reported him to the Police, the officer asked me “have you hit him?” to which I replied “yes” because I had. He said that as far as the Police were concerned it would be very difficult, in that case, to ‘prove’ any crime against me by my husband because it would be his word against mine. He predicted a counter claim.

Firstly, please bear in mind that by this stage I had endured dozens of attacks, violence, bullying (and all the other aforementioned) from my husband before I even went to the Police in the first place. I do not say that to justify my actions but to paint a true picture of the situation. Also, whereas I hit my husband with open hands (and I am not a fighter nor trained in any form of combat, martial arts or self-defence), my husband used a weapon against me, a walking stick mostly. Does that make me any less guilty than him? Well, yes, I believe it does – and here’s why:

I didn’t ‘attack’ my husband as he claims. I did not use violence against him in a premeditated, intentionally harmful manner. I, either, used violence to defend myself against his violence towards me or in response to his intimidation, bullying, anger, manipulation etc., etc. There is a huge difference and it’s what makes one person the perpetrator and the other the victim, in my view. My husband’s actions (whatever motivation lay behind them) were designed to ‘do me in’, belittle me, undermine me, hurt me, control me, manipulate me, and so on. My actions were intended to stop the situation, stop him doing all those things to me, end the violence, stop the abuse. It was never about doing those things to him. I can honestly say, hand-on-heart, that I never attacked him with the sole intention of hurting him or harming him in any way. Therefore, I believe, I have never attacked him – full stop! I have got angry and yelled and screamed in the hope that it would show him that he could not treat me that way and shut him up but I have never actually set out to ‘do him in’ – even when it could have been called justifiable ‘revenge’. Even now, going through the divorce and separation of the business interests (during which, as you can imagine, he is still employing his tactics) none of my actions is motivated by any need, want or desire to do him in. All of my actions are designed, intentionally, to show him (and everyone else involved) that I will not be bullied, manipulated, undermined and so on and so forth. They are also intended to limit the damage that could be caused to both of us through his negligent pig-headedness.

I often wondered, when he had driven me almost to breaking point and I was standing in front of him, fists clenched, purple in the face from screaming, two inches away from his face, why he never showed any fear.

I would have, and I did when he did it to me – I tried to get away from him as quickly as I could. But he didn’t once try and run away from me. He told his parents that I scared him, but it didn’t make sense because you don’t hang around people who scare you – and he did. He’d stay right there and keep pushing – push, push, push, hoping that I’d really lose it and run him through with a knife or something so he would have something really serious he could accuse me of but I never did. He knew I never would and that’s why he wasn’t scared. He had nothing to be scared of because I wasn’t out to do him in – unlike him.

I have mentioned this before but the most predominant emotion I felt throughout the whole of my marriage was anger. I used to feel angry 90% of the time (the other 10% I felt depressed, which is the same – anger turned inwards, I have since read). He accused me of being out of control, said I was a thug and told his parents that I got angry with him and hit him. His father told me I had a problem with anger and should go and seek anger management counselling – so I did! So desperate was I to make our marriage work that I believed him. I was prepared, at the time, to do anything to make it work and so I arranged to go for counselling (even though I was of the view that it was my husband who had the anger problem).

I disclosed everything to the counsellor. I told him about our marriage and the problems we were having. I told him about my husband and myself and told him how much I loved him and wanted to make it work and that I hadn’t even realised I had a problem with anger until my father-in-law had mentioned it, whereupon I’d thought maybe he had a point.

Having listened to me talk about all this for a whole hour, the counsellor (who was standing to make around £600 out of me if I took the course), turned to me and said: “I don’t think you have an anger problem. From what you have told me, I think your anger is a justifiable response to unreasonable behaviour from your husband and that for the most part you have it under control.”

It was then I began to realise that if I wanted to move away from anger and violence, I had to move away from our marriage.

Having been separated from my husband for almost a year, I now know this to be true. I cannot think of one single time I have been angry or felt prolonged outrage since (except once or twice when I have had to deal with him).

When is violence justified?

I also do not feel guilty anymore about defending myself against his regime. I feel justified. I have often thought about the question: when is violence justified? I guess every head of state in world has asked themselves that self same question before declaring war on their neighbours.

Being a peaceful person at heart, I find it hard to justify any. I am certainly not a supporter of war or violence in any shape or form, but having lived through four years of an abusive relationship, I can understand why victims display violence and anger too. But I have also come to realise that, as with war, it doesn’t actually solve or achieve anything and in that sense it is not the answer. It doesn’t stop the abuse or violence from the perpetrator nor does it shut up their verbal attacks and emotional undermining. If anything, it feeds their campaign and it does this in three ways:

1) Whilst the victim is being angry and violent, they are giving their power away to the perpetrator and thus, unwittingly, putting them in a position of power and control (which is exactly what the perpetrator wants).

2) It feeds the perpetrator ammunition with which to sustain their campaign of accusation and undermining.

3) It gives the victim a sense of powerlessness and thus makes them feel bad about themselves, which ultimately undermines their confidence and self-esteem, which is already at a low ebb – again, what the perpetrator wants.

Most people I have talked to are of the opinion my actions were justified, that I had been pushed beyond the boundaries of self-restraint to a place where I had no option. Now, that may be so, but it doesn’t stop me from wishing I hadn’t done it, wishing I could have been more composed, able to ‘turn the other cheek’ and not have been pushed into a reaction. But I did and I was and so I have to live with that. But I take comfort from the fact that, for me, anger is not a problem merely an emotion.

 

Older women

Are women over 40 attractive to men? I’ve been told recently by a woman who runs a dating agency that they seldom get ‘chosen’ as dates – unless they look really, really stunning in their photos. 

Do we really live in such a shallow world? 

Answers on a postcard please……………………..

So, Josef Fritzl (the Austrian who imprisoned his daughter in the cellar for 24 years, where he repeatedly raped and abused her and fathered seven children with her) has received a life sentence, which he will serve, largely, in a psychiatric hospital.

For me this case has been particularly sickening: it has been interesting hearing different people’s reactions to what is, I believe, an extreme example of a worldwide problem that people are so keen to sweep under the rug and pretend doesn’t exist. It does exist, it has existed since time immemorial and as we now live a world where it is getting more difficult to hide – this is our opportunity to get it out into the open to be banished – for good! We must stop hiding! We will not do that by closing the door and pretending it doesn’t exist. There will be people out there saying: “Ah, yes but that happened in a sleepy little town somewhere in Europe. It would never happen here.” Believe me, my friend, it does and it is.

In a BBC report, the closing quote from the Mayor of Amstetten (the town in Austria where Fritzl lived and this took place) is: “A dark chapter in the history of our town is now closed.” This suggests to me that the town is keen to not talk about it and shut it away, which whilst I so understand, I think is a real shame. In my view Amstetten should rally together to become “that town that rose up against abuse – you remember? The one where that Fritzl monster lived and where they set up a campaign to highlight abuse so it would never go undetected again.” What a positive, healing message that would be.

 

Shake hands on it

I arrived in court, nice and early.  Too early. “Go up the road to Cafe Loco,” said the woman on security, “and get yourself a decent coffee. That stuff upstairs is awful.” she added in a whisper. 

From my table by the window, I glanced across the street from the coffee shop and noticed a familiar car – Mr P’s. My heart sank. I’d been hoping he wouldn’t turn up. Thought he might send his brief like last time (because he’s far too important to attend himself). Anyway, I tried to keep breathing, deep, relaxing inhalations and think of something else. There were no papers or magazines, I played with my cellphone instead (anything to keep my mind distracted).

When the time came, I collected my things, paid for the coffee, exchanged good-humour with the waiter and left for the courthouse, vowing to maintain an attitude of self-assurance. Before I’d left the house earlier, I thought carefully about what to wear; nothing he had bought me – or was the style of outfit he used to favour. I chose a pair of smart, tailored, rustic-coloured slacks (part of and expensive suit I bought myself for work), a pale green sweater, leopard-print silk scarf and tan-coloured Windsmoor coat (which I also paid for myself). He used to go on about how much he had bought me whilst we were together, like it was a justified reason for me to surrender to the physical and emotional beatings. He had indeed bought me clothes and liked me to dress in a particular way I never felt comfortable with. I used to think he made me look like his mother – all buttoned up and uniform. Not the way I naturally dress, which is casual and contemporary). 

Having been ushered through courthouse security and finding my way to reception, I noticed him sitting at a table next to a woman of about 30-ish, whom I took to be his brief. Dressed somberly (as they do) in black suit, she busily took notes as he leaned in, talking in a whisper but making strong emphatic hand gestures as if to ram home his point. 

She looked up in my direction, briefly. I smiled. She smiled back. I smiled at him too but he looked away. I noticed his red face, which is how I remember him a great deal of the time. He complained constantly of being too hot, was always having to stop and take off a layer of clothing or unbutton his collar or take a cold drink, almost like he was on the point of boiling over much of the time. It used to frighten me, make me clam up or try to appease him (which invariably triggered instant abuse), but today, in a courthouse surrounded by lawyers, police officers and security guards, I really didn’t care. In fact, I was glad because it meant he was feeling uncomfortable.

Having given my name to the court administrator, affirmed I was indeed representing myself, I made sure I sat away from them over the other side of the room. 

The woman next to Mr P got up and walked over, introduced herself and sat down beside me. I vowed to be pleasant and display a confident exterior (more for his benefit that hers). She explained that she was indeed representing Mr P and that they were proposing we use the court pledge system instead of pushing for a full-blown case, which would be costly and time consuming. “Mr P totally refutes your claim against him and is prepared to defend himself emphatically should it go to court.” she stated. Making a promise to court, whereupon we both agree the terms and boundaries by which we are to adhere, results in ‘contempt of court’ if the terms are broken by either party, rather than a crime (which is the case when someone breaches a court order). I felt she was being straight with me. She didn’t come across as intimidating or aggressive like some lawyers and I could see the merits in a solution not requiring a return to court. I agreed in principle with the proposal – as long as I was happy with the terms. She assured me she would compile something there and then that covered the points I had outlined. If I wasn’t happy with it, she said, she would ask the judge to hear my concerns first. Okay, I can’t lose I thought and off she went back to Mr P to draft the wording. 

Even though I was determined to maintain the ’swan thing’ and keep a calm, serean exterior, inside my heart was pounding. I was starting to shake from the adrenalin and my stomach was in knots. A woman opposite offered her paper, I gratefully accepted (something else to keep my mind busy). Although my eyes were scanning the blocks of Times New Roman line-by-line, my mind was elsewhere. I couldn’t help but think about how surreal it all was. There was my husband, sitting not ten metres away and yet the chasm between us could have spanned the solar system. It seemed odd somehow. How did we get this broken? I desperately wanted to be able to talk to him, to say come on, let’s patch things up and stay friends at least. When all this is done we can go out to lunch. We haven’t done that in ages. But I knew how dangerous that would be with a character like him because, in his world, he would hear something different than was being said. He would interpret it as an admission of my guilt, an apology for being so wrong and a desperate plea to be reconciled with him. Nothing could be further from my mind. My life is sooooo good without him in it and I wont do anything to damage that. But we are, for the time being, still married and still entangled professionally (although not working together). There are still matrimonial and professional issues that need to be sorted out. To NOT be in communication at all (except through solicitors) seems obstructive rather than facilitating. What his solicitor was proposing made sense…….until she brought me the draft: 

Point 1) “I, TW, give an undertaking to the court promising not to use or threaten violence against Mr P and not to instruct, encourage or in any way suggest that any other person should do so.” 

Point 2) “Not to intimidate, harass or pester Mr P and not to instruct, encourage or in any way suggest that any other person should do so.“ 

Point 3) “Not to contact or attempt to contact Mr P by any means other than letter or email. Any communication to be limited to the separation of the parties’ joint business, joint matrimonial interests and other non-social communication relevant to the separation.“

An alarm sounded in my head. I felt myself being manipulated all over again. What had started out as my application against him had been turned on me, just like when we were together, each complaint about an episode of abuse would be hurled back as a steel bar of blame – well you hit me too! And here it was again. He had managed to twist the process, deflecting the missile right back at me and hijack my application. If I didn’t know him better I would have congratulated him on his creativity. 

“I cannot agree to this.” I turned to his brief who was watching me nervously. “This is making me admit to something I have not done and promising never to do it again and I cannot do that as I haven’t done any of those things in the first place.” She then showed me his piece of paper, which contained exactly the same wording except where it said “Mr P” was my name. “You see,” she said, “it’s the same for both of you. But if you are really not happy then I will ensure the judge lets you air your concerns.” Damn right, I thought, as she toddled back to her seat. 

An hour went by before we were called in, during which time the courthouse burst into a flurry of activity. A woman ran out of one of the court rooms swearing and screaming MURDERER! FUCKING MURDERER! SHOULD BE LOCKED UP AND INSTEAD HE GETS A FUCKING SUSPENDED SENTENCE! Everyone looked up. No one said anything. My initial thought was to condemn her as an  imbecile, loud, aggressive and rude. Then I turned and caught a glimpse of her face, pale and drawn. I could see underneath her rage lurked a sorrowful heart weighted down by loss and with no relief from justice today. A few minutes later a young woman, dressed in jeans, smock top and voluminous scarf like a yoke around her neck, came and stood by the window and started talking on a mobile phone. I deduced she was a journalist and was speaking to her editor, caught snippets of conversation but no detail only single words and bits of sentence like “rape“, “gun“, “blood“, “but he said he didn’t rape her” and “that was why he had the gun“.  My mind flashed back to an incident when my husband had grabbed a walking stick from the hall stand, raised it above his head and screamed “DON’T DEFY ME YOU FUCKING BITCH – I’LL KILL YOU”. On that occasion, I’d managed to run upstairs and lock myself in the  bathroom until he left the house but it became his weapon of choice from then on. I identified with this woman’s injustice, remembering how I’d gone to my brother-in-law’s house after a particularly violent incident and showed him the bruises his brother had inflicted on me. Rather than responding with shock and disbelief and promising to ‘talk to him about his unacceptable behaviour’, he just stood there, wordless. I could feel a drawbridge being lifted between us. He could not get me out of his house quick enough. I heard nothing from any family member for days – not even my sister-in-law with whom I regularly communicated by email and phone. All communication stopped – just like that. My husband attended a family conference, at which I hoped they would tell him to get his act together and that his behaviour was totally unacceptable. Instead, from that day forward, I was the one ostracized. 

At 11:45am, we were called in to court number 5, today presided over by Judge Forster (made up name) – a woman! (my lucky day. Number 13 has always been lucky for me). Sagacious though she was, Judge Forster was welcomingly open, unofficious and non-judgemental – surprisingly. She listened, explained and didn’t once advise. She heard my concerns and assured me that this was not an admission of guilt for something I have not done, merely a process by which the court system tries to proffer a speedy and inexpensive solution. “But,” she emphasided “If you are feeling compromised by it and are not happy, I am in no way going to force you into it so you can be assured of that.” She explained it to me in a way that made it palatable. She said to look at this way: you have already sent out a very strong message to Mr P that any sort of unreasonable behaviour is unacceptable and will be responded to in the strongest terms possible. The promise is just a way to clearly communicate where the boundaries are. Put like that, I was happy to sign. 

So, my husband has now promised to the court that he will not do any of those things to me. I have promised the same. That promise is in place for 12 months, which hopefully will give us enough time to sort out the divorce. More than that, at least now he has witnessed my true strength and maturity, seen how I can hold my own – on my own – without him squashing me into a meek, weak, lost and overwrought soul and that I WILL take all necessary steps to protect myself and my interests. I still wish, though, it had not come to this. But that’s abusers for you; they thrive on driving close to the edge. 

He will be at his parents house now, showing them the form (a copy of what was agreed) and saying: “So, she can’t harass me anymore. She admitted it, there and then and the judge said I should apply for an order myself given what I’ve had to put up with but you know what, I can’t be bothered. And they will be saying “Well done son. You did great today. Poor you having to deal with all this from her.”

Sometimes I wish I was a fly.

 

Another Snowy Picture

I am healing, I know I am. Life feels so different than it did a year ago. I feel much stronger, lighter, healthier, in charge of myself and my life and building something of a future. There is still an undercurrent of doubt, guilt, fear. I still find myself picking at the skin around my fingers whilst I’m watching TV and realise that I am not really watching TV, I’m in my head reliving the abuse – what he said, what he did, what his father said, what his mother said, what his brother wrote in the emails. I still fear he may do something. I can’t imagine what, but then again I couldn’t imagine that he could do all the things he has done! I catch myself distracted by these thoughts and I shake myself and get up and move around or go and do something but it’s always there, like a Gremlin. It gets me in the car sometimes. When I am driving, suddenly I’ll realise I’ve done five miles on auto-pilot whilst this Gremlin has been bitching at me. It’s like I’m carrying him around with me. Sometimes it scares me that it’s so close but at least now it is only a Gremlin. Until recently, those thoughts felt very real, like it was my fault, like it was my unwillingness to submit that was the problem. So, that shows progress that I can see it like that – and one day, perhaps, I will be able to silence that damn Gremlin for good. I can see the possibility. At the moment it’s a dream of some future time when I am so over this that I wonder how it ever happened. But the realisation that I can get there, I can achieve it is very real. I can feel it and I know I will. 

I am not doing it alone. That may be possible but I reckon it is quicker to do it with help and guidance from others. I am taking action, everyday, to turn my life around. I took control of my business and brought it back in line with what I had been moving towards all those years ago. I read loads of books on domestic abuse. I wrote this blog and shared my story and in so doing found loads of like-minded, supportive and totally beautiful women out there. I listened to what my body and heart were telling me. I started to excersice more, get out in the fresh air more, changed my diet (read Fat Around the Middle – brilliant), I cut right down on alcohol and caffiene and cut out sugar. I’m shrinking again (I put on 3 stones over the 3 years of my marriage – I have lost 1.5 so far!). I have been using Inner Talk CDs on Forgiving and Letting Go and Soaring Self-esteem.

I am also learning how to say “NO” and be calmly assertive and not tolerate poor treatment from others. The phone hardly ever rings now and I guess it’s because people have got it that I wont be ‘used’ (I used to get a lot of calls from ‘friends’ whenever they wanted something: would I like to come to an event because they haven’t sold enough tickets; can I sell some raffle tickets for them; can I babysit Saturday?! I want people to call just because they wanna talk to me and I guess that will happen in time. My counsellor came up with a great expression to describe where I am right now. He calls it my fertile void!). But I am also learning that it is okay to get it wrong sometimes and to accept that I am not perfect and neither is anyone else. I don’t feel I have anything to apologise for anymore, which I used to feel a lot when I was with my husband. I am learning to reach out and take up someone’s offer of friendship as well as opening up myself and offering it too. I am not yet ready to start dating but unlike a few months ago at least now I can see it as a possibility.

I’ve been feeling down and angry about my situation, particularly because my abuser husband appears to be drifting through life totally effortlessly, surrounded by sycophants who worship him and obey his every command and here I am having to clean up yet more of his mess day after day. It just doesn’t seem fair. 

In talking to a friend today, who has also come through an abusive relationship in the past, I realised that what I am looking for, what I want is revenge. I want to feel justified that he has got his ‘come uppance’ and that he is paying the price for being the way he is. She helped me to see that it is perfectly natural I should feel this way. However, she also helped me see how much effort and energy I am wasting on that which I cannot control and how I can and should change to focus on those areas of my life that I do have control over like my new business, my new home, the dog, new friendships and social aspects, new hopes and aspirations and so on. 

She’s right, of course, I can see that. I also recognise that that is what is making me feel bad, the fact that I am allowing myself to be controlled by those thoughts instead of being in control of my life – that’s what’s making me feel bad not that he has done this to me. Yes, that made me feel bad but I have won that one because I took myself away, me and the dog, I took us from him and that’s the best revenge ever!

I’m not doing so good right now. I was so desperate yesterday I phoned a counselling service. I had to talk to someone and I needed to talk to someone without an agenda. She was great – just what I needed. I am not suicidal or anything it’s just that I am frustrated having to deal with getting my ex out of my life and very few people really understand what’s like to have to do that when the other person is a psychotic abuser. People give you standard answers and the usual advice, which in most circumstances would work but not in my case. I got so frustrated because here I am trying only to get my life back so I can live in peace and get on and I can’t because of decisions he has made and actions he has taken that I was not party to and – yet again – I am left to clean up the mess whilst he is on a Cruise in the Caribbean!

I had a meeting with a web designer on Tuesday. I need a website to promote my business and have been waiting for my ex to take down and delete the existing one, which uses my name and likeness and claims I still work for his company! Well, I decided to wait no longer. I know this guy, he has done work for me in the past. He knows about the situation between my husband and I (in so far as we have separated and are in dispute over the business – he doesn’t know about the abuse). Anyway, he takes me for lunch, nice. I’m sitting there telling him all about my ideas for the business and suddenly he pipes up that he is thinking about doing some work for my husband! Jees! Why the hell didn’t he tell me before I wasted my time meeting up with him!!!! He can’t see the problem himself – well you’re two separate businesses he says. Yeah! two separate businesses competing with each other and in conflict with each other!! Well, it is your decision he says. No, I say, it is yours; you either work for me or him. If (name) asked me to do work for him in the future, he says, I would and you shouldn’t be telling me who I should and shouldn’t work for. Are you working for him now? I ask. If (name) asked me to do work for him in the future, he repeats, I would and you shouldn’t be telling me who I should and shouldn’t work for. I say no, you are not getting it – are you working for him right at this very moment in time? Again, the same answer – more deflection than an effing politician. Eventually, he knows I have him cornered and am seeing through his lies. I could not get away quick enough. I was furious. I know he is  desperate for work right now and maybe that got in the way of him making the right decision but I fear that he has been ‘got’ by the charmer who is my psychotic abuser who will have said oh, yes, TW and I are getting back together soon so everything is fine. She just needed some space, can’t cope with the stress of an expanding business, you know how women are. 

I told this guy firmly, but calmly, I felt betrayed and let down and that I will never give him any work ever again. I also said I hope the work he gets from my ex will compensate for that. My final comment was he will show you his true colours one day and I hope for you it isn’t anytime soon. 

It feels to me like my ex has a lot of people closing ranks around him. Particularly those involved with us on a business level. You see, he will have taken them by the arm, manoeuvred them away from the obvious truth by feeding them stories like the one above about me not being able to cope with work stress and needing space and will have made them believe that it is me who is at fault and they will have believed him because 1) I have said nothing to them to counteract that because I am ethical and dignified and keep personal things to myself. I could write to them all, telling them he has a conviction for assault and battery against me but I haven’t and I wont and he knows that. Secondly, I’m a woman and they are all men and – like it or not gentlemen (if there are any of you reading this) we still live in a patriarchal business world in which it is comforting to hear that women cannot cope. 

It also feels like I am never going to shake him off and that’s so unfair. I have told him until I am blue in the face just get out of my life and leave me alone and he just wont do it. He is finding every excuse he can that, in any other rational situation, would be justified (like he should be allowed to have the dog occasionally, there is some post for me at home, he needs a lift somewhere) to stay in contact with me. I am going to court tomorrow to try and get a non-molestation order. It means another day away from work, having to do something that really ought to be unnecessary because he is a controlling, mean-spirited, nasty man. Why is it always the victim who is put out!?

It really feels, just now, like there really is no justice in the world. Next month I will have to start divorce proceedings – God knows how much that is going to cost me! I would have done it sooner but I couldn’t afford to pay the £300 petition fee! Again, it is me who is suffering because he will not co-operate. If another person will not cooperate – they should effing well be made to suffer not the other way around. I have so far cooperated with everything he needed me to cooperate with. But you know what, I am not going to anymore. No more dog for you Mr. You want to see doggie, you do as I say for a change!

So, I am not in a good space right now. But I WILL come through. But, actually, despite the exhausting emotional upset, I am quite pleased with how I am dealing with it.

I watched a TV progamme last night about real crimes. It was about a 22-year-old girl who was shot dead in Harvey Nichols in London (one of the capital’s premier department stores where she worked as a beauty consultant) by her ex boyfriend who had worked in the same store as a security guard. They had been dating for three weeks when she dumped him because he was displaying the classic signs of being too full-on. He stalked her for months before finally being arrested and prosecuted for stalking and harassment. His hearing was adjourned and he was given bail, even though he displayed the classic signs of being a danger to her and other people. Two weeks later, he entered the store on a busy day, shot her in the back of the head and then three times in the face as she lay dying, and then turned the gun on himself. Metropolitan Police said that no-one could have predicted the girl’s boyfriend would kill her – even though he had threatened to several times!

The most striking aspect of the programme to me was that it focussed on stalking and harassment and made references to the perpetrator as ’stalker’. What was clear to me was that he was more than that – he demonstrated the classic signs of being a domestic abuser and I suspect that if their relationship had continued longer than three weeks, he would have proved me right. The reason I point this out is that my fear is that these people are not being given harsh enough treatment and taken out of society and away from the victim because they are being labelled as much less than they actually are. We have come a long way in recent decades in terms of how we deal with stalking and harassment. A lot of people, particularly victims or targets of stalking have done a great deal to highlight and table debate about the issues so that now we have clearer understanding of what they are and what can be done about them. Tt seems to me we have some way to go with domestic violence and abuse. That said, it has already started. There are many people doing some great work in that area (click on the links on this website to see some of them). 

Amongst other things, an enquiry into the Harvey Nicks killing said the Police were not to blame but it also highlighted many areas where current thinking, assessment  of cases and the way they are dealt with are severely lacking. 

In my own experience, the Police were extremely helpful and I have no doubt that if it had or were to escalate to that level of danger I could rely on them for protection. But only to a degree. and that’s the same for everyone. Very few of us are privileged enough to have round-the-clock bodyguard protection and without that dealing with abusers is only effective to a point. My abuser was, and is, very shrewd, smart, convincing. To most people he can appear completely harmless; a charmer. But therein lies the rub because many abusers are the same and that’s how they have got away with it for years because people have believed them – including the authorities and their partners – when they have said “I’m not stalking you, I just love you so much I want to be near you. How can that be wrong?”

Couples break up all the time and usually one or other of the partners doesn’t want it to end and tries to convince the other to resume the relationship – even resorting to stalking and harassment tactics. But usually in these cases it is unwitting and they only do it for a couple of weeks or more and eventually stop and move on. On some occasions, the one who’s been dumped doesn’t try to get back with the partner but becomes abusive because they are angry and upset but, again, it usually only lasts for a short period. 

Perpetrators of domestic abuse are not like that. Their whole existence is centred on control, manipulation and abuse and they will keep doing it for as long as a) they have a victim/target in their sights b) they appear (to them) to be getting away with it and c) they are free to move around and follow their victim whenever and wherever they please. There is a vast difference between a one-off, where a person who has gone out, got drunk and sent his ex girlfriend 20 text messages of love and adoration in one night, or smashed up the model Ferrari she bought him for his birthday and someone who is a perpetrator of harassment and abuse. Yes, the first should be shown that his actions where wrong and be made to pay for them, which may involve ‘a talking to’ by the authorities but that sort of lenience will not work with abusers. 

My partner is still trying to manipulate me into resuming our marriage and there is little I can do about it other than not responding to his communication, not allowing him access to me and giving him clear messages (although with abusers that last one seems impossible because unless they are words they want to hear you might as well talk to a wall!!). Unfortunately, in my case, we are still married and although I am taking steps to change that it is a fact that there are certain times I have to initiate contact with him which for me is purely practical but for him is encouragement. 

Domestic abuse is on the rise and if we are to stamp it out we need far more immediate and harsh treatment of perpetrators plus rehabilitation – but only if it’s the right sort, the sort that works (read Why Does He Do That?). I think everyone who has been arrested for any category of violence and/or abuse should be immediately psychologically assessed by experts, not just psychologists but specialists in the area of domestic violence. They should then advise the Police on bail conditions and should even be given statutory powers to set bail conditions. I know this is wishful thinking and it will probably never happen but it seems to me that currently abusers are being ‘enabled’ to get away with it and escalate their treatment to unthinkable heights.

Nothing to do with the current conflict in the Middle East (hence the spelling with two zeds). I’ve just been watching a programme on TV Surviving Gazza about a famous footballer who is no longer a famous footballer and has turned to drink to numb the fact that he no longer has anything to be famous for except (allegedly) being an abusive shallow thug.

The programme actually was focused more on his family – wife and kids – whom he abuses even when hundreds of miles away on foreign shores. It tenderly and sympathetically highlighted the central issue which is that perpetrators (ex-footballers in this case) rely on those around them who inevitably are strong and able to take responsibility for them, their lives and the abuse. It also clearly showed why they have no intention of changing. Think about it – why would they? Here are all these people who love them and feel responsible for them devoting every waking moment to pandering to the perpetrator, making sure he or she has everything they need, which is control over them (the targets/victims) that then makes them feel good. Like vampires, they feed off it as it it were pure blood. In this instance the family (with the help of a brilliant and experienced specialist) realised it is not their responsibility to fix this guy and gave up trying. It was an extremely soul-searching, brave and courageous thing to do.

What touched me most was how the abuse affected the family dynamic. Mum was trying to hold it all together and fix Dad because that’s what the kids wanted – she’s mum and she fixes things so she can fix this – please! She went to the psychiatrist first, heard for the first time in her life someone say “It’s not your job. You don’t have to do this” and came back and said to the kids “that’s it, I’m not doing this anymore” only to be confronted by their wroth “but mum, you’ve got to”. Thankfully, she stayed strong, steadfast and supported them in doing whatever it was they needed to do (which in this instance entailed flying out to Portugal where he was on an alcoholic bender and confronting him with an ultimatum – sober up or you wont see us again). He didn’t and indeed showed his true colours once again in an abusive tantrum and so, sad though it was, they have all been able to move on with their lives and in time have come to realise that it is a whole lot better without him. Interestingly, it was the youngest son who had figured that out long ago. He actually said in the programme “I liked life better the way it was without him”. Good for him! How insightful for one so young.

It made me think about my own situation and how different my own life is since I left my husband in August last year. I went through a gamut of emotions in the first couple of months, I was relieved, sad, lonely, joyful, laughing, crying and sometimes all at the same time. Initially, I thought everyday about how much better my life was without him in it. Over time, the frequency of those thoughts lessened but I still remember. In a way, I hope I will always remember how bad it was and that although I pray for a full recover, I do not want to travel too far from the remembrance because if I do I may forget how good life is now and I don’t want to do that. In a way, it is good for me to keep revisiting the place of my imprisonment (like watching tonight’s programme) because, like Holocaust victims revisiting Auchwizt, it makes me appreciate not being there and gives me a whole new perspective on it, one I can only have as a free human being and not as a prisoner in domestic abuse.

A news story on TV yesterday reported that January is the time when incidents of domestic violence escalate. Tensions mount after the holidays when families have spent more time together in close proximity and little to distract them from their ‘issues’. This year, because of the credit crunch, authorities are expecting worse-than-ever statistics and more and more incidents than are being reported.

So, if you’re in an abusive relationship (either physically or emotionally – or both) how can you protect yourself during these tense times?

Against any rational force you’d be able to arm yourself (literally) with a weapon, which you could then fall back on purely as a defence. You could collect snippets of information that would give you clues as to where that person’s weaknesses may lie which you could also use as a defence against their attack. You could barricade yourself in somewhere so they could not get at you. You could use any widely-accepted defence mechanisms or techniques you liked but with an abuser – you can’t. None of these will work, and in fact, most of them will end up doing you more harm than him/her.

I used force against my abuser to defend myself and ended up accused of abuse myself. I tried to find a weakness that I could exploit as a defence (like you do with kids, you know, where you tell them to stop doing whatever it is that’s unacceptable or otherwise lose a privilege) but that didn’t work either because he was so used to playing the game, he changed tack so many times it was impossible to find anything that mattered. Not only that, but he thought he was untouchable anyway. I tried barricading myself in but I played right into his hands because I then became even more his prisoner.

The only thing that worked in my case was to call the authorities, who then dealt with him as best current legislation allows and put me in touch with people who could help me better understand my situation and prepare to do the only thing that really worked in my case, which was to leave, to get the hell out and go.

But although it was the right thing to do, it wasn’t easy and in fact temporarily put me in even more danger but at least I had the help and support I needed, which I hadn’t had before.

Everyone’s situation is different but if I have learnt anything it is that we are NOT alone. There are people out there willing and able to help. Reaching out takes immense courage and bravery but it is worth it.