What is it about abusive ex-partners that makes them so hard to shake off?
I was thinking that to myself today as I was driving into town to see a legal expert so he could decipher what this court document that arrived in the post this morning meant and what I need to do about it. Never mind ‘legal-ise’, it isn’t even written in plain English! Anyway, all I want to do is put this whole sordid, lousy episode behind me and move on, rebuild my life, forget it – all!! I keep getting to a place where I think I have and – WHAM! – another salvo fired from the direction of my ex-husband. He’s behind all this court action – I know it! I can see him, in my mind’s eye, working his manipulation into a frenzy, telling these people it should be me they should be suing – not him! I can hear the very words he will be using. All he wants is to be vindictive – and that’s one of the reasons why it is so very hard to shake these people off. That has become his focus and he has nothing better to do. Whereas I have a busy job, social life, new relationships and so forth, he has only his unrelenting need for revenge. He will stop at nothing to get it – because he has no conscience. That’s another reason.
Abusers have no conscience, they cannot tell right from wrong and accept no responsibility for anything. All they know is what they want. They live in a world of one where everything literally revolves around them. When I was with my abusive partner, I had no time or space in my life – I literally had no life of my own. Even when my husband was away on business my life still revolved around him. Even when I was away from him on business, my life still revolved around him! I cannot explain it but it was like he had this invisible leash around me that stretched for miles and miles and meant that I could be in another city – another country even – but never actually be free from him. Even after I’d left him, it was still there for a good while. I’d left – I knew I’d left. I was living elsewhere and I had no intention of EVER going back and most rational human beings (whether they liked it or not) would accept that after a certain period of time. Not him! And why? Because it was not his decision, it was mine and in his world (as he lives in a world of one) no one makes decisions other than him. To him, at that time, it was like the fact that I was no longer living in our marital home with him made his life a little challenging for a while – but I hadn’t actually left. Not to him, because he hadn’t decided that and until he did – well – I would never be free as far as he was concerned.
He needed to see it this way because, you see, these people are emotional vampires and they need their fix, to satiate themselves on you. They make you, turn you, into their source, their narcissistic supply and like the fictional vampires of gothic horror stories, they rule in their world. They have control so even when you leave you cannot be, and are not, free because you cannot and have not shaken them off. There is still that invisible leash, which no matter how hard you try you will NEVER get them to let go of. Even if and when they find another partner, they will still keep the leash on you even if they cannot actually get to you you’ll still feel it there.
The good news is that over time, the holes in your neck from where he sunk his terrifying fangs into you and drank your blood will heal and eventually disappear. Your blood, which he contaminated with his poison that made you numb and weak and unable to leave him will cleanse itself and you’ll feel strong again and over time the leash will wear thin of its own accord and eventually snap and you’ll be free. Not only that, but you will have one of the most attuned, honed emotional vampire detectors on the planet and you’ll smell them a mile away and be able to avoid them forever. You may even become a vampire slayer.